[chaotic13]

I've been doing really well lately. I had my T appointment this week. I had spread my appointments out so the the last time I had gone was 3 weeks ago. We had an OK session. Honestly, I avoiding talking about some things but... that happens, right? I'm getting ready to take another big leap for me on Friday and we did talked about about this. I thought I was fine with everything. But as soon as I left the appointment the mental noise started and panic about Friday set in. My T usually allows me to email her if I want and she typically responds when I'm showing signs of freaking out. Well, as my flipping out progressed sent a few 1-2 line emails. She hasn't responded at all. Her silence is flipping me out more. I know there is likely a reason for it (technical problems or maybe she is wanting me to handle things on my own). Whatever the reason, I'm sure it is not malicious, but the silence is just feeding my mental loops. I hate when this happens. I hate when I KNOW I'm OK and I'll be fine, but yet that freaky part of me just gets out of wrack and wants attention.

At this point I am angry at myself, not my T. The adult part of me wants my T not to respond so I can get this freaky part to stop being so....freak'n needy. I just hate days like this when I realize how childish I am at times.

Sorry just venting I guess.

[Melbadaze]

Perhaps this means closer together sessions would help you at this time? Wanting and needing show's we're human. The more we deny this in ourselfs the more painful it becomes when we realise we-just-plain-need-someone sometimes to support us and be there for us, no biggy, but we make it that way.

chaotic

[Rapunzel]

Waiting for T to respond to email has been traumatic for me too ever since I first started using email to communicate with T. The first T who gave me his email address was not very good at responding. I wrote to him and then had to wait until session to see what he would say about the email. And waiting after sending him something always made me crazy and I was afraid he would reject me or something because of what he hadn't replied to. Time after time, same thing.

My next T started out with email being the only way we communicated. She was so good at responding to questions and self-disclosures when I was a student in a class she was teaching. I'd always go home after class and email her (it was a distance class so there was no opportunity to talk to her privately any other way), and after the class was over I kept wanting to write to her and talked her into trying email therapy with me. That same worry when waiting for a reply took over again. She set one day a week that she would reply to me, and if she was late writing back, I freaked out. And I started freaking out if I wrote something and she didn't respond to it. The email got to be blown way out of proportion, and I started making the trip to see her in person, and email kept getting more stressful. Now it's been 5 years, and I still go to see her, and email is off limits. I can write to her, but she isn't going to respond by email. I guess that was how it had to be, because email was making things worse, not better.

So, anyway, there's something about email and T and flipping out, and at least it isn't just you, if that helps at all. It's just such an intense relationship, and that need for acceptance and to be ok is so strong. It's really hard not knowing, and if we have a part of ourselves that doesn't believe we are acceptable, that part feeds off of any doubts.

[chaotic13]

Rap,
I think you made a good point in your post about email sometimes becoming more problematic than helpful.

As I am thinking more about this issue. I think what I am struggling with here is not really about the email, its about acknowledging the fact that some part of me is seeking attention from my T. I think is not having a clear rational reason for this behavior that is bothersome. Last session was kind of a superficial session- one where you talk about stuff but... don't really go into it. It hard to explain what happened but obviously I left with a little residual ...energy cysts that then ignited as the evening progressed. Typically, when this happens my T would responded to my email, and I would settle down and be fine. I guess this situation just shows that...the parasite is still alive and well and can still send me spinning. Maybe it is important that I see this at this point, but I don't like it.

I guess its clear that I haven't quite internalized the concept that Melbadaze mentioned.."we-just-plain-need-someone sometimes to support us and be there for us, no biggy..." I think I need to post IT'S NO BIG DEAL TO WANT SUPPORT on my forehead today. I still have a hard time admitting that I like, want, need someone's attention. Actually, I think this is the main stressor for me at the moment--seeking attention, then tolerating getting it, and finally being OK with seeking it in the first place.