[peaches100]

I feel awful. I emailed my t a couple of times yesterday, telling her something that has been bothering me. I'm used to doing this. She has always allowed me to email her. She doesn't love them, but she knows i need them to feel connected between sessions. She always replies to my concerns, usually within a couple of hours. But yesterday, she didn't reply. I got a message this morning saying she'd gotten my emails but didn't have time to respond to them. She has never done this before. What makes it worse is that one of the things i emailed about was feeling like our relationship is not special because of all the other patients she also sees, and how she gives the same good things to them as to me. Now i feel even worse. She is probably tired of answering my emails and constantly reassuring me and figures that it's not working anyway -- I still don't feel important -- so why bother with going the extra mile?

[peaches100]

i have a gut feeling she's not going to respond to my concerns today either. i think i'm going to quit emailing. i feel like a thorn in her side. i don't even feel like going to see her tomorrow now. i realize maybe something came up . . .but couldn't she at least write a couple of sentences to address my concerns? I dunno. She just has never told me she doesn't have time to address my concerns before and it feels bad.

[peaches100]

i probably need to get used to less support. maybe to stop emailing is the best way.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by peaches100

i realize maybe something came up . . .

Yes, maybe it did. At least she answered your e-mail, if only briefly.

[winterbaby]

Well I think sometimes T's get a brainwave and all of a sudden decide to set a new boundary without telling the client. Or want us to be more independent of them (also without discussing it) and decide to do something like that. It could just be that she was busy and couldn't respond. Maybe that's all there is to it but it's good to discuss when you see her.

[ECHOES]

I think she showed caring by letting you know that she didn't have time. She might simply mean that she has much going on at this time, on this day/week, but that it is not forever. I hope you will talk about it with her

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I got a message this morning saying she'd gotten my emails but didn't have time to respond to them.

This seems reasonable. It is funny how we read so much into things. I remember doing this. We can write entire novels about one sentence. We probably do this because we live in our heads so much instead of just out in the real world. Oh do I remember...........

[Sannah]

It just occurred to me why we can write a novel. Because one sentence can trigger all sorts of internal stuff.........

Peaches,

I bet her being busy is just want it means, it isn't anything negative about her feelings for you. She in a way is letting you know that she wants to respond, but right now she is very busy and she would rather give you her 100% attention when she does.

(((((Little Peach))))))))))))

[deliquesce]

i remember my old-T would allow me emails, and always made an effort to reply. one week he didnt reply at all, and i was a mess come appt time. he apologised about the non-reply and said he'd started replying but run out of time, and thought it would be better addressed in session where he could clarify etc. he even offered to read out the beginning of his reply to me.

i just spent the whole time thinking - but why couldn't you have just dropped me a little note say "hi deli, have read your emails but am too run over to reply this week. let's talk in session".

so maybe your T thought that this tiny reply, this acknowledgement, really, was better than nothing?

[Thimble]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

Peaches,

I bet her being busy is just want it means, it isn't anything negative about her feelings for you. She in a way is letting you know that she wants to respond, but right now she is very busy and she would rather give you her 100% attention when she does.

(((((Little Peach))))))))))))

This is exactly what my t said to me. And I believe him. He says rather than send some off the cuff response to get it done, he would rather wait until he has time and can sit down and think carefully about what he is writing...because he knows I read his every single word very carefully because everything he says is so important to me. He doesn't want to inadvertently say something I might misread...just because he was rushing.

I think your t does care. Please don't write off your relationship even though I know you are hurt (and how much it hurts when they take a long time to respond).

Peaches, sounds like a good topic to bring up in session. I can totally understand why that would feel bad, you were hoping and expecting an understanding response, and instead T said she didn't have time to answer. But I agree with others - T wasn't saying that she didn't have time for you, just that she didn't have time to formulate an articulate response that she knew would help you.

This is why I'm glad my T doesn't do email, though - I would totally be in the same boat as you!

((((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))))

My T will sometimes leave me a message to tell me he doesn't have time to leave a message and will call back later when he has time to think. I do think that they try to be careful and thoughtful when they reply to us, and she probably didn't want you to think you were being ignored, but truly didn't have time to write a reply.

I hope you feel better

[Melbadaze]

Peaches, yes those moments do sting, and we sink into our familiar place of feeling rejected, and uncared about. I won't say what T may or may not have meant because I'm not her and dont know, but its important that you talk about this with her, tell her how her reply made you feel.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( peaches ))))))))))))))))

[Confused_1982]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm going to talk to T myself tomorrow about something similar. This is definitely something to bring up with T. If you dont feel T really cares about you it makes therapy v difficult (even if she really does care). I would think she read your email and made sure she responded so that you know you DO matter to her. It was just that at that moment she couldnt respond as she would like

[coconut64]

(((((((((((((( peaches )))))))))))))))) I know this probably brings up a lot of feelings like abandonment or rejection, but I agree with everyone here. She probably didn't have time that day and will address your emails in session. It sounds like you wrote about very important issues, I'm sure she wanted to craft an adequate response but she was just having a busy day. I hate when T triggers something painful when they don't mean to. They have that power unfortunatedly.

[mixedup_emotions]

My T said to me that he generally dislikes communication by e-mail, because messages get interpreted in different ways - and you never know what can be triggered as a result - so he prefers communication to be in person.

He doesn't mind receiving them, but he doesn't like to open up a dialogue. I pushed him a bit to get him to at least acknowledge the e-mails, so I know he's read them.

[velcro003]

Peaches, I agree with everbody else here. My T usually responds to my emails, but I think she is intentionally vague in them because she would rather discuss it in person. Maybe that is all your T is doing?

[peaches100]

I appreciate the responses and the viewpoints being offered. It seems like most people feel that my t did not mean to blow me off. And I want to believe that, I really do. But what bothers me is that, in the time it took for her to reply that she didn't have time to respond, she could have responded at least briefly to my concerns. I mean, if she took the time to make a 1-sentence reply about not being able to respond, she could have just as easily said something like, "I understand your concerns and look forward to discussing them with you tomorrow" or "I know these things bother you, and we'll talk about it." That would have taken NO extra time. There have been many times when she has replied to my concerns with 1 or 2 sentences like that. Why not now?? It just feels GROSS. Especially when the topic was not feeling important to her in the first place.

I feel that if she had WANTED to, she could have been more supportive, but that she CHOSE not to. I know it's so wrong and probably self-destructive but i feel like cancelling for tomorrow. I just feel so let down.

Originally Posted by peaches100

I appreciate the responses and the viewpoints being offered. It seems like most people feel that my t did not mean to blow me off. And I want to believe that, I really do. But what bothers me is that, in the time it took for her to reply that she didn't have time to respond, she could have responded at least briefly to my concerns. I mean, if she took the time to make a 1-sentence reply about not being able to respond, she could have just as easily said something like, "I understand your concerns and look forward to discussing them with you tomorrow" or "I know these things bother you, and we'll talk about it." That would have taken NO extra time. There have been many times when she has replied to my concerns with 1 or 2 sentences like that. Why not now?? It just feels GROSS. Especially when the topic was not feeling important to her in the first place.

I feel that if she had WANTED to, she could have been more supportive, but that she CHOSE not to. I know it's so wrong and probably self-destructive but i feel like cancelling for tomorrow. I just feel so let down.

Peaches, I get everything that you're saying here. I know how it feels and I have had similar reactions.

However, just recently I've been getting better at stepping back when these things come up and trying to keep it in perspective rather than letting it take over the entire relationship. Has she been kind, caring, attentive to your needs generally speaking? If so, then maybe she was just imperfect here, had a mis-step, didn't respond in the 100% perfect way that you were looking for...but that doesn't necessarily mean that all the other caring that she's shown doesn't exist any more, right? I guess for me, it's been shifting from focusing on the ways my T is not doing enough/is failing to meet my needs (because, let's be honest, sometimes she doesn't meet them all), and instead focusing on all the ways she has tried to meet my needs and show me caring (when I look at a list of all the caring and considerate things she's done for me, it's really hard to deny that she does in fact care).

Just my thoughts, and I hope they don't come out wrong. Like I said, I've been exactly where you are. I hope you can talk it out with her tomorrow and get some reassurance that she does still care about your feelings.

Peaches, okay, now that I have read what you recently wrote and that makes total sense to me. Instead of saying she didn't have time, she could have said something even generic at least saying that she read your email and look forward to discussing it with you, etc.
I wonder what the "I don't have time for you peaches" is stirring up for you?

I do agree your T could have said something else a little nicer, but I think the real issue is why is that triggering you so strongly on what she wrote. :-) Sounds like a good topic for therapy. ((((Little peach))))

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I feel that if she had WANTED to, she could have been more supportive, but that she CHOSE not to. I know it's so wrong and probably self-destructive but i feel like cancelling for tomorrow. I just feel so let down.

Peaches, instead of cancelling, why don't you just go and punch her in the nose???!!

No, not really...

[crystalrose]

i agree with peaches it wouldn't have taken that much longer to write something reassuring. Some T are so weird. I think you should definatly skip your session. T's all need to think before they do things.

[complic8d]

((((((Peaches))))))
I know what it's like to not get the response that I need from t. Sometimes it can bring up so many feelings, so triggering. I have found that whenever I read something into what was said it needs to be checked out. A lot of the times my t had no idea that it was triggering, what I had inferred from something. We talk and get things cleared up. Chances are, your t being human like mine , that she may have no idea that her response would trigger you. Even when I figure "she must know that will bother me", it isn't always so. Sometimes I have to write down the things I don't dare bring up, not wanting to be ashamed of my feelings, but I have found that she is a lot more understanding than I thought and she really wants to make things better. She actually will admit that she "had no idea." Probably best to air it out in a session, then she will know how you feel/felt and you will know what she meant.
(Sometimes I think we can be so sensitive to everything that they don't even realize what may be an issue, such little things affect us.)
I hope you get this worked out and feel better about things.
Take care!