T Said She Didn't Have Time

Thanks. I hope your talk with your t went OK.

Yes, about that power. I told t awhile back that this is what i really dislike about getting attached. . . that another person's actioin (or inaction) can result in me feeling so upset or hurt. If i didn't care, i wouldn't need the reply or be hurt without it. But when i feel attached and reach out, and she can't be there, it feels awful. I know others might disagree that the t has power, but to me, this is power. It's not t's fault, but it's power nontheless. . .that what she does can make such a difference to me.

Hi Mixed up,

I agree that email communication can result in misunderstandings. If i didn't feel that i needed contact between sessions, i wouldn't rely on email. But i seem to need it.

I think though it,s a power we give, not that they have, like when we were children, and seeing this helps us understand the then and now, helps us see when we,re rrsponding from another time, though

This is always the way it is. The healing needs to come emotionally. I would think if you worked on healing the original wound then it can't be triggered anymore.

I agree with Melbadaze, this power that T has, we have given to her, though the giving is from inaction on taking our power.

But if you heal those wounds you wouldn't be so vulnerable and it would be easier being close to others.

I wonder also if it was secure attachment then you wouldn't doubt your T's care so much. With insecure attachment, we're insecure about whether they truly care and value us. I agree with Sannah about healing original wounds--that can pave the way for a more secure attachment.

This is SO true. I've noticed a huge internal shift lately, and I think it's secure attachment. I love T, and I know he loves me, but he doesn't have the POWER over me that he used to have. I don't jump to the worst conclusion when he doesn't call, and I don't doubt that he does care for me. It feels so different...and so much better.

I wish I knew how I got this point...I honestly think it was a result of the Summer of Ruptures...we had to work through SO MUCH STUFF, but we did it, and came out on the other side. So, peaches, I guess I would just say to you to be as honest as you can with your T about how you're feeling. It seems like that's the only way I can ever really move forward.

to you!

Hi Notme,

You made a really good point about trying to look at what my t is doing right, rather than what she does or says that bothers me. I honestly think she is a great therapist, and i know that most of the time when i get triggered, it is about the "past" more than about what she is doing in the present. I try to talk myself out of being upset. But when to says or does something that reminds me of the past (such as even a little thing that feels like a brushoff), i immediately go into this hurt/fear mode. That fear of rejection makes me unable to see clearly what is happening, and then i tend to think my t is doing the exact same thing my parents did when they ignored my pain or needs. So i hurt terribly and then put up walls. Somehow, i've got to keep my adult mind intact when these triggers happen.

I told my t that i didn't want to stop working with the hurt parts of me, even if it is painful. But her response surprises me. She said, "I think we need a way for parts to let me know when we need to slow down, so that you don't have to push me away and your parts don't overwhelm you."

She has said things like this to me several times, when we've had a rupture. In my mind, it feels like she says or does something to trigger my old traumas, so i get hurt and back off. But my t seems to think that i actually bring about the ruptures as a way to create distance whenever i begin feeling too attached to her.

Hmmm. I don't know what to say. It is very true that shortly after any very good connecting session, i shortly begin to feel anxious, and then i seem to get hurt by something she says or does. I know that it is terrifying to me, the thought of getting close to her and then having to say goodbye later. It's also hard for me to feel good with her because i don't feel i deserve it. I'm also afraid that if i let myself go and enjoy the connection, i will be vulnerable and then when i am not expecting it, "the other shoe will drop!" And i am afraid to believe that she cares and that our relationship means anything, for fear i will find out later it meant nothing and i will be crushed. So i fight the attachment. . .as much as i want and need it, i fight it. . .i fight it . . .i fight it.

It seems we will have a tremendous push forward. . .and then suddenly she does something to hurt me. But could it be true that after feeling good and connected with her, i "look" for something to get upset about? I just can't let things be good? This does happen over and over.

It sounds like a lot of my own behaviors. I always worried about doing something wrong, messing up, ruining things...and I was always trying to protect myself from the pain of what I perceived would be my inevitable failures. It's a fear that if you allow yourself the joy, that something terrible will happen. That once you feel good, your guard is down and you can't be prepared for the awful things that will follow so you don't let it happen. Or even that it's wrong to feel good...selfish...and selfish is the worst thing of all to be. But that's me. Does any of that sound familiar to you? Maybe finding something wrong protects you from enjoying the good that will surely be taken away from you if you allow yourself to have it. Anything like that?

Have you come to any conclusions on this? My opinion is that you are just vulnerable so it is easy for you to be triggered by her. I don't think that you are doing this on purpose. We can see your thoughts here, however, and she cannot so she could come to this conclusion without being able to see what you are thinking.

Hi Exoticflower,

My t's response stirred up my own feeling that i'm invisible and not worth caring about. It's not my t's fault; I know it's how i feel about me. But it still affects my relationship with t. Once i feel blown off, i distance. Once i feel that pain in my heart that feels like rejection, i'm already on my way to withdrawing from t. I hate being sensitive and can't figure out why the smallest-type rejections (or what seem like rejections) throw me into such despair. I don't know how to stop feeling/reacting that way because logic and intellectual understanding don't cause my internal feelings or reaction to change. It confuses me as to why this is the case?

That made me chuckle a bit. Boy, would she be SHOCKED!!! I am so not-aggressive! She'd never expect that from me.

Yes, i admit i probably over-reacted, but she could have at least acknowledged the topic and then said "we'll talk about it at your session." It was the blunt "I don't have time" that made me feel bad.

Hi! I do "read in" to things way too much. I tend to overthink things, so sometimes she makes a brief statement, and i analyze it until i come up with some story or scenario about why she said what she did, or why she said it the way she said it. Usually, i feel that it has something negative to do with me. . .usually that i am not important or that she wants to distance from me. It kind of just snowballs from there until i'm triggered and hurt. Somehow, i guess i do this to myself, even though it feels like it is my t that is hurting me.

My t is good about discussing misunderstandings. We seem to have so many! I know she is only human and makes mistakes, and i want to give her the benefit of the doubt. . .and she deserves the benefit of the doubt. But some extremely insecure side of me is always prepped and ready to react with defensiveness and hurt to anything she does that looks in any way like a rejection. . .

You have to work through it emotionally. Intellectual understanding won't touch it.

(((((((((((((Peaches)))))))))))))))

Hi! I do "read in" to things way too much. I tend to overthink things, so sometimes she makes a brief statement, and i analyze it until i come up with some story or scenario about why she said what she did, or why she said it the way she said it. Usually, i feel that it has something negative to do with me. . .usually that i am not important or that she wants to distance from me. It kind of just snowballs from there until i'm triggered and hurt. Somehow, i guess i do this to myself, even though it feels like it is my t that is hurting me.

My t is good about discussing misunderstandings. We seem to have so many! I know she is only human and makes mistakes, and i want to give her the benefit of the doubt. . .and she deserves the benefit of the doubt. But some extremely insecure side of me is always prepped and ready to react with defensiveness and hurt to anything she does that looks in any way like a rejection. . .

This is me all over-I totally understand. I just wish I could take T (and everyone else) at face value and not read into EVERYTHING!! I wish my mind was rested for one minute.