So my T said that she wanted to do the actual EMDR today. I thought we were just doing the groundwork, but she thought I was ready to try the real thing, so why not?

First, though, we talked about my neuroses about the double session - as usual, T gave no actual answers, but we related my feelings all back to my mother, so this was a clear case of transference - I could see it as we discussed it and laid it out. Then we discussed scheduling - T thinks that a double session is better for something "special", like EMDR, but that there is a lot of benefit to shorter sessions. She actually had an evening appt. open up, only it's every other week. So we went over the pros and cons, and after we do a few more double sessions of EMDR, I'm going to see T every Monday and then every other Wednesday - I think that will work, plus it will save me a bit of money - excellent! And I was happy that T thought of me for that evening slot.

So next T had me envision my safe place, and then T moved her fingers back and forth, so we did eye movements for the safe place. I was getting distracted by the different lamps as I followed her fingers, so T turned off a lamp - that helped some, but I kept losing the image as I moved my eyes. We did that 5 or 6 times, and then we started talking again - identifying the negative belief, my rating for it, what I want the positive belief to be, what emotions I feel when I think of the negative belief, and where I feel it in my body. So then it was time to do the EMDR. I don't even know if it worked - I had images that came to me, but I couldn't tell if it was the EMDR or just my memory working. Sometimes, I was just blank, and then we'd go back to the target image and start again. One time, T stopped me, and we talked for a minute about my target memory - right as I started to get very emotional and cry, T started up the fingers again, and that time I really felt it working, I felt those bad feelings - not fun. We kept going, and I don't even know if it got better, but I really felt relaxed. T had me do a body scan as we wound down, and we targeted some anxiety that I had in my stomach. But we didn't come close to getting rid of the negative belief, or installing the positive belief. Needless to say, I was disappointed. T thinks I was anxious, and that I was anticipating - she said that's completely normal. T said it was a great first session, for me not to be concerned, that she thinks I'm the "perfect candidate for EMDR" because of this particular trauma and how I really was able to tap right into those negative emotions. T warned me that my mind will continue to process it, she said I might have thoughts, emotions, even more flashbacks happen. I'm going to note them all, and then I'll be out of town next week, so we'll discuss them over our first phone session next week. And then we're going to do another double session, entirely EMDR, in 2 weeks.

So it seems that I maybe psyched myself out a bit over this, and now I need to take some of the pressure off myself, trust T, and just let go. Easier said than done!

Oh, but I did cry - 3 times - tonight. That makes 3 sessions in a row of crying after months of not crying! So I do consider that progress, even if I didn't allow myself to completely do the 'fall apart and writhe on the floor cry'.

[BlueMoon6]

Dream- it sounds like a very powerful tool for your memories and trauma. I dont know anything about this, but it sounds like the relaxation and eye movements are something that help somehow process your feelings. Am I right?
Anyway, your t sounds like a very safe person and the room a very safe place.

As for crying, it is amazing how much you accomplished in such a short period of time. You are working so hard and your t is a really good fit for you.

[quote=BlueMoon6;1145143]Dream- it sounds like a very powerful tool for your memories and trauma. I dont know anything about this, but it sounds like the relaxation and eye movements are something that help somehow process your feelings. Am I right? quote]

Thanks, Blue - yes, the idea is that the bilateral stimulation helps the brain process the memories, gets them 'unstuck', so that the emotions are freed and are processed correctly. T said it's normal to feel relaxed (I kept saying that I felt spacey) because T said I was in my head so much and not really talking much.

Also interesting, when T would ask me between sets where I was, my voice was different, almost like my voice from that age. Has anyone who has had EMDR experienced that? T was sitting about a foot away from me, and she even had to lean in to hear what I was saying.

[BlueMoon6]

I am interested to hear what others who have done this say. It sounds like you could come away from this expereince feeling much more "centered" and peaceful.

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I am interested to hear what others who have done this say. It sounds like you could come away from this expereince feeling much more "centered" and peaceful.

I'm interested to hear others' opinions, too, because I don't feel centered and peaceful today. I feel like my brain worked in warp speed last night - I woke up at 3:30 AM, thinking it should be much later, but still feeling totally exhausted. I fell back asleep but still don't feel rested at all today, and I'm in the worst mood. I don't know if it's the EMDR working on a delay, or what.

[Sunee]

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

I'm interested to hear others' opinions, too, because I don't feel centered and peaceful today. I feel like my brain worked in warp speed last night - I woke up at 3:30 AM, thinking it should be much later, but still feeling totally exhausted. I fell back asleep but still don't feel rested at all today, and I'm in the worst mood. I don't know if it's the EMDR working on a delay, or what.

Well i tried EDMR (very expensive procedure), for a few months with weekly sessions, i liked my T and felt safe with her. They figured it takes approx 3 to 6 sessions to be better, i must have had a dozen, and it did not work well for me at all. Some people find peace in reliving all that has happened to them, but i didn't..... When i was in full EDMR, my T had gotten frightened of my reaction, she had to stop for fear of what i was going through and the EXTREME anxiety it put me through each time. I suffer from PTSD, GAD, MDD. Mind you, i did like that she made me find a 'safe spot', which i try to use every time i have an attack. Some days were better, but mostly i walked away feeling like i had just been abused all over again.

Maybe it works better on some people, the medical profession seems to back it up.... i don't know. I find i feel better after just regular therapy sessions.

I truly hope it will work for you, everyone deserves some 'peace of mind'.

[SUNNY2009]

Hi, first time here. Just looking around and checked out your post. I had gone thru EMDR several times with my T and it can be exhausting. Usually I cant wait to go to bed after the session. Actually I purposely have my sessions sched at the end of week and also evening so I can go home sleep and not have to wrry to much about the job. Thurs night is where its at now and poss will event chng to fri. Anyhow, the next day is most times - uncentered - unpeaceful- My T says when you allow your brain to process the mem's that makes way for new mems that have also been blocked. They (the new) may still have no place to go but spin around and around. So if you dont have a similar mem box that they recognize then they do not fit. I think this is why there is unrest for a couple days after. I have found that the initial sessions were the hardest, and then the following although tough did get more familiar and not as stressful ... well depending on the mem. Anyway, for me at least, it takes days to process the work and then to be OK. Usually by my next weeks visit I am a little more centered and ready again...and if I am not then we dont do it... that is the key, it is up to you and you can go at your own pace. good luck hope this helped

HI, just thought I would say good for you! I get so tired after EMDR and my T tells me to make sure I get the extra sleep, it is my mind and body recovering. I do feel stirred up for a couple days, you should call your T and let her know, she might want you to come. I think the more you relax especially after the first time, you will have more relief during the session and after.

The spacey feeling could very well be dissociation, that is how I feel especially during this kind of thing. Did your T make sure to help ground you afterward, the safe place and making sure you were "all there?" It sounds like the voice you were speaking of different ages was that trauma that happened to you at those ages being processed. This is normal. One time my T asked me what age I was... I had to think before I answered that.

I hope you feel better today, if not you really should call your T and get in to settle things down a bit. I am very proud of you!

Thanks for the words of support and encouragement, everyone.

Some people find peace in reliving all that has happened to them, but i didn't..... Mind you, i did like that she made me find a 'safe spot', which i try to use every time i have an attack... I find i feel better after just regular therapy sessions.

Sunee, I hear ya - I am certainly not feeling any peace. The safe place has helped me to calm myself at home a bit, but then I start crying again, not good.

I had gone thru EMDR several times with my T and it can be exhausting. Usually I cant wait to go to bed after the session... the next day is most times - uncentered - unpeaceful- My T says when you allow your brain to process the mem's that makes way for new mems that have also been blocked. They (the new) may still have no place to go but spin around and around. So if you dont have a similar mem box that they recognize then they do not fit. I think this is why there is unrest for a couple days after.

SUNNY2009, welcome to the PC boards, and thanks for your reply! I did feel like a mess yesterday, it was like my thoughts and feelings had been in a whirlwind and were still settling down from that. I like the way your T described it, because while the memories we targeted with the EMDR don't seem to be quite as traumatic for me to remember, I have all these new, horrible feelings of being worthless and hopeless that weren't there before, and they are strong! So maybe the EMDR stirred them up, and now they have nowhere to go. I am still very tired and didn't sleep well last night, so I am going back to bed now to rest more.

The spacey feeling could very well be dissociation, that is how I feel especially during this kind of thing. Did your T make sure to help ground you afterward, the safe place and making sure you were "all there?"

Exotic - no, we didn't do any grounding back to my safe place after the EMDR, we just talked for about 15 minutes. T did have me do a body scan to see if I had any emotion stored anywhere, so we targeted some anxiety in my stomach, that was about it.

I hope you feel better today, if not you really should call your T and get in to settle things down a bit. I am very proud of you!

Thanks, Exotic. I'm not really feeling better today - I did call earlier and left T a message. I'm also feeling lousy enough that I'm staying home from work, so I'm hoping that T will have an opening for me sometime today - I think that's what I need, her help in sorting this out. I can't keep feeling like this!

ETA: T called, I'm seeing her this evening. I'll let you all know how it goes. Thanks for the support, it means the world to me!

(((((((((((((dream)))))))))))))))

oh this sounds so hard. i hope you get some good sleep tonight after your appt with t. take gentle care with all these emotions being stirred.

Originally Posted by bloom3

(((((((((((((dream)))))))))))))))

oh this sounds so hard. i hope you get some good sleep tonight after your appt with t. take gentle care with all these emotions being stirred.

Thanks, bloom - about to head off to bed! Session with T was again intense, but T really helped me. I definitely feel better, and I feel more equipped to deal with any bad emotions that come up again. T told me I'm working hard and doing a good job.

((((((((((((dream)))))))))))))) I am SO glad that you called and T was able to see you. That's good self-care...and you sound like you are in a better place now. It seems like it would have been hard to go out of town with all of those feelings stirred up and nothing to do with them.

I hope you get some good rest tonight, and wake up tomorrow feeling more peaceful.

[BlueMoon6]

((((Dream)))) I am catching up here today on how you are. Im glad you called t and were able to go in to see her and that you are feeling better. You are working very hard and doing a great job. And now you are can better handle emotions that come up. Im sure its a huge relief.

So many hugs for you, Dream

I am glad you got in to see your T tonight. I think sometimes especially trauma victims, it is hard to actually know if we feel relaxed or if we don't feel anything. Sometimes feeling nothing is actually dissociation, a numbed out thing. My T really had to work with me on that before we did the EMDR. My whole life I didn't know I even dissociated to a more stronger degree than most people. Now I see the signs and my T who works with a lot of trauma cases knows it even before I do. She does a grounding exercise at the end, as a way to calm down and end the session and to make sure I am okay to drive. ( I lose feeling in my feet) Sometimes we do two if needed. If you are feeling spacey, make sure you tell your T right then, they can help you with that. :-) The first time I did EMDR I didn't feel anything till later that night ( I was too uptight and nervous the first time). I had to come in the next morning for an emergency appointment, my husband actually called my T because I had some extreme flashbacks that night.
Now that you are more relaxed and confident you can handle what come up, I think it seems like this will work well for you. I am excited for you.

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks Exoticflower for posting that about dissociation. I thought just clicking on the "thanks" button wasnt enough. It was really helpful to me to read this.

You sound like you have a wonderful t who knows you well. What are the grounding exercises that you do?

Originally Posted by exoticflower

I am glad you got in to see your T tonight. I think sometimes especially trauma victims, it is hard to actually know if we feel relaxed or if we don't feel anything. Sometimes feeling nothing is actually dissociation, a numbed out thing. If you are feeling spacey, make sure you tell your T right then, they can help you with that. :-)
Exotic, that's it exactly - on Monday night, I thought I was relaxed, but I was actually really spacey and dissociated, looking back on it. I told T that I was feeling spacey, I'll have to ask her if she thinks I was dissociating. Last night, she made sure to ground me at the end by really reinforcing my safe place with the EMDR, and we strengthened it based on our discussion, added some more 'safe' factors to it.

The first time I did EMDR I didn't feel anything till later that night ( I was too uptight and nervous the first time). I had to come in the next morning for an emergency appointment, my husband actually called my T because I had some extreme flashbacks that night.
Now that you are more relaxed and confident you can handle what come up, I think it seems like this will work well for you. I am excited for you.

Exotic Those flashbacks must've been horrible. I didn't have any flashbacks, but did these new emotions ever overwhelm me, and not until the next day! And then I thought they'd go away, but they didn't - that's when I knew I needed to call my T. And she told me that she was glad that I called her, and to call again if I need her.

I slept for about 5 hours and then woke up for at least an hour, then finally fell back asleep. I'm feeling tired today, but so much better emotionally than yesterday! I really can't believe the difference.

I think the EMDR was different for me yesterday, partly because I knew what to expect, and partly because I had hit bottom, I had nothing to fear and nothing to lose by giving myself over to the process. T wisely pointed out that she had sensed on Monday that I got overwhelmed by my emotions and the EMDR, she wondered if it was because I wanted to do a good job or I wanted to please her - I told her it was both, and I just wasn't sure if I was doing it right. T said there is no right or wrong way to do it. But yesterday, wow, the emotions came so much easier. And I didn't even focus on keeping an image in my head so much, but other images still came to me in between sets - it was really quite remarkable. I only went from a 10 to a 6 on the negative cognition scale, but obviously we're going to work on it more at my next double session in a week and a half, and T did work on starting to instill the positive cognition, so that's good.

I'll keep you updated on the progress! Thanks, everyone!