if your therapist lied to you

I think I react the same way. As you say, it doesn't always happen. I find that hard to take. It's a nice lesson to believe that one has done one's own part at least. Boy is that so not easy.

I feel I should apologize for taking over this thread. It obviously triggered stuff. Sorry. I will run now before the attack begins.

that wasnt so hard to decipher!

Please tell me, so I know if you really understood or not!

I am reminded of the very first time one realizes the humanity of someone one really cares about. There are feelings of betrayal and hurt...and then (maybe) acceptance and forgiveness. I think at the end of the day we can be really angry with someone that we care about, but still know in our hearts that when our foundation of caring is strong enough it will weather the potential storms.

I think all of us likely have very powerful feelings about this subject matter.
And while that is certainly understandable and some reactions are inevitable, I feel the most important thing we can do for Sunrise right now is to be supportive of her feelings in this.

its difficult when you are in therapy learning how to treat people and how you want to be treated, and then you use what you know and get the rude awakening that not everyone is in therapy! you're still going to have to deal with people who arent interested in changing their approach. that can suck. but like you said, just knowing you did your part is whats important. although it certainly doesnt feel that way in teh moment.

well, if i understand correctly, youre saying that when we apply value-laden words to situations its hard to separate our reaction to the situation from our reaction to the words. using more neutral words, meant to describe a situation or concept without judgment of good vs. bad, can help to really clarify what youre reacting to and how you are actually feeling.

i dont mind being wrong, feel free to let me know if i am!

do you get attacked here on a regular basis?

My head hurts. Will read again...

Okay, I got it now. I have always been really set off by certain words myself. Especially when the words seems diminishing of my feelings.

When we apply value-laden words to anything, it is because we are conflicted about what our actual feelings are! We are afraid to recognize our own feelings, and thus confuse them with facts.

Ideally I would like to say "these are the facts of the situation" and "these are my feelings about it".

Inside my head, yes.

Occasionally outside. I often find it hard to tell the difference.

Ouch Sunny, I'm really sorry you are in this situation. I guess if it were me I would be trying at this point to determine why he might have felt the need to fabricate the lie. Obviously, you will never have the opportunity to know the real reason unless you raise this issue directly with him.

Based on what you have presented about your T, I find it hard to believe that he lied to you simply because he assumed that you would not be able to "handle" the truth. I'm not sure what the fabrication issue is related to but maybe he was uncomfortable expressing the truth because it would likely lead to a discussion about him or his feelings about something that he doesn't want to discuss or that isn't professionally appropriate to discuss. IDK just guessing here. Just seems to me like maybe the lie wasn't about you or in response to something YOU did. Maybe its all about about him and something he said or did. Maybe he said or initially commited or wanted to something, then having thought about it more, other personal factors came in to play and he ended up making a bad choice-telling a lie- and now you're having to deal with it. Not a great situation and I am really sorry for you. I can definitely appreciate the confusion and hurt this likely is causing you. I would have a really hard time dealing with my T lying to me, even if her intentions were good.

I hope you are able to resolve this issue with him. The optimist in me keeps saying ther has got to be a silver-lining in this situation...somewhere.

(((Many hugs)))

I'll shut up now since most of this is based on speculation.

lots of times we do it because its just what we've been taught to do. i dont know that i think its always because of being conflicted....sometimes its just the only way we know how to be...

Some teaching.

hey, we got lots of crap from parents and authority figures that we could definitely do without!

Sunny,

I continue to think about this dilemma you face. If someone (anyone) I respected and loved told me a lie I would be hurt. But I don't think that it necessarily would mean the end of the relationship. I understand that the therapeutic relationship is different and that it is based on trust--not unlike a marriage, really in that respect. However, I think it would be possible to forgive and move forward, but only if honor were restored. How could that happen for you? I hope you can find a way through this. It seems very difficult and painful.

Sunrise, my thoughts echo Miss and Complicated...
I know for myself - honor, truth and trust are paramount. For me to tell a lie, safety or another person's safety would have to be at stake.
I think T's have a very hard job - having to often teach clients how gain trust, how to rebuild their own lives, how to speak with authencity... and yet, having to protect confidentially and i don't know all what else T's have to protect. I would definately urge you to discuss it with T and try to remain open about things - see where the chips fall.
Thinking of you!

I think a part of why he did it was for himself. I also continue to think what deli wrote earlier really applies here:
"i think i trust that they are human and make judgement errors at times, and that they lied for whatever purpose - not to hurt me, but because they felt inadequate about handling and processing the truth with me."

I wish he had had more faith in himself that he could do it (tell the truth) and also more faith in us, that we could handle it, discuss it, get through it, etc. In the end, maybe he just took the easy path for himself. But it turned out not to be easy for me.

Thanks, MissC.
I have never thought (or said) that it would mean the end of the relationship. I guess I have a feeling that our relationship is so strong, it would take Thor's hammer to break (hyperbole ). But it does feel changed to me, and not in a good way. It feels kind of "lesser" to me now, and not what I had thought it was. I feel a loss, perhaps an absence in my heart. I have come around in my thinking (from my original post) that this is something I do need to discuss with T in order to move forward. I can't just sweep it under a rug and pretend it never happened (an approach I often take in relationships). I think we need to talk about it. Maybe some of my loss can be recouped. Maybe not.

I'm a very forgiving person so this part would probably not be too hard, if the discussion went well. However, today I have been having "fantasies" of talking with him about this, and it does not go well. There are different versions with different things going wrong. A bad thing that is a part of some of these imaginings is that T doesn't care that the relationship is changed or that it ends. (In some versions, it seems like it ends).

I'm sticking to my earlier vision of the best way it might enfold:
"In my imagination, I confront him and he acknowledges what happened. He doesn't backpedal. And he talks openly with me, explains things, and is not defensive. He is a model of how to handle conflict and resolve it. I learn something from this."