[Elysium]

For those of you that aren't aware/don't remember....about a month and a half ago I terminated with my long term T of five years and started with a new T that specializes in DID. The transition has be going well....but it has been difficult as I truly miss the relationship I did have with old T.

She was a mother-type figure, a mentor for me, and even though the work was tough emotionally, I looked forward to being able to work with her for that one hour each week.

As any relationship has...we had our moments of trials and tribulations. There were times when T had to put her foot down and practice a sort of tough love to get me to where she knew I needed to be.

We didn't discuss her life much. I knew that she had a daughter, and I thought that she was a Single mother. We had talked about certain things she like to do on her vacations...she seemed to be quite interested in rock climbing and skiing, and she also loves Yoga.

Now...after a couple months with new T, we have finally begun to broach the deeper issues that I had with old T. What I came to realize in last session was that old T, although she cared about me, was not able to set good boundaries for herself....and should have referred me on to a more experienced T sooner rather than later. She challenged her own limits as a T....and instead of making the decision to pass me over to someone who was better able to treat me...she kept me on as her patient...and struggled to keep everything together.

I found out from new T, that old T didn't feel that she was capable of treating me for a long time...but that she couldn't let me go....for her own reasons. I knew there was a reason a couple years ago that I began to feel our therapy had become stagnant and that it wasn't progressing...but I couldn't put my finger on it.

My therapy experience began back in 2005 when I was referred to a P-doc to help me prepare for weight loss surgery. The P-doc that evaluated me for the procedure noted my history of trauma and referred me for assistance with coping with the life changes and working on some past issues. This P-doc I was referred to, without seeing me, referred me on to old T, a LCSW. That's where old T's and my therapeutic relationship began.

After talking with new T in last session...not only did I find out that old T WAS married....but that her husband was the p-doc that referred me to her?

Sorry this might be confusing....but for some reason...I feel quite betrayed by old T all of the sudden. Why would she never tell me that her husband was the doc that referred me. Why would she hold me back in therapy for her own issues.

There were a couple times when she threatened termination. The first was when she thought I needed to have a course of DBT. She stated that if I didn't get into a DBT program, that she would no longer be able to see me. I freaked!! I felt manipulated...but because I was terrified of loosing her as my T...I went to DBT. The other time she threatened me with termination....I was going through a discrimination suit with a previous employer. They denied me advancement in my career due to my psychological disorder and I filed a formal complaint. I could have won had we gone to court...but old T said that "once therapy goes to court" she could no longer work with me as a T. So...again, terrified....I dropped the court case, chose arbitration and got shafted. The company got away with it and will never face accountability.

What irritates me the most is that she knew/felt that she was not qualified to treat me with my background of trauma and my issues...yet she still held on to me.

Why couldn't she just come forward and tell me that she didn't think that she was the most appropriate person for the job and that she felt I would do better with a more skilled T?

I am not angry with her....I just feel kind of betrayed by old T is all. I'm trying not to judge my feelings...but I still can't help but feel I DON'T have a right to feel betrayed.

Any words of wisdom would be welcomed.

[Miracle1986]

Sorry no words of wisdom here.
Just lots of hugs.

[crystalrose]

wow that does sound tough. I would feel betrayed too. What I'm also thinking though is now you have stopped seeing her you have given yourself permission to think about the negative parts of the relationship. If you are like me you are probably using the negative parts and thinking of them to cover the pain of losing T. I hope this help and doesn't confuse you.

[darkrunner]

Big hugs to you, Elysium.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think what you're feeling is totally normal, and I would feel the same way. It does sound very inappropriate that you were referred to old T by her husband. I'm no expert in professional misconduct, but something does not sound right about that.....especially because their relationship was not disclosed to you.

I can really relate to what you described about the threats to terminate therapy, and the situation with the lawsuit sounds especially regretful. Have you thought about filing a complaint against the old T? It certainly does not sound like she had your best interests at heart.

You DO have a right to feel betrayed.

I hope you like your new T......I hope that she will help you work through these issues and feelings of betrayal, and continue to work on what brought you to therapy in the first place.

[rainydaygirl420]

I had the same type of experience with my former therapist, only he abandoned me abruptly, looking back at the relationship Ifeel like I was his little science project, becaus he was entirely too incompitent to treat me and should have refered me when he figured that. Instead of using me

((((((((((((elysium))))))))))))

wow, this all sounds like really hard info to absorb. like ktgirl i also think it must be unethical for your pdoc and old t to not have disclosed that they were married since pdoc referred you to old t. i don't know what the law is on that but it really doesn't sit right with me.

you know, your t should have referred you or at least have been forthright and said she wasn't trained to deal with your diagnosis but if you wanted to continue with her she would get the necessary help to be able to treat you. or she could have had you see a trauma or DID specialist in addition to seeing her for the regular therapy stuff. unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she was very professional with you in this regard. i am really sorry you went thru all that. it doesn't mean she didn't care as it may have been she wanted to keep treating you because she did care despite her lack of training. obviously, it was not in your best interests to do things the way she did though. i hope new t can help you process this and what if anything you should do.

[rainydaygirl420]

Im not sure that your new t should be telling you what your old t said about you. That makes me think of how someone will come up and say oh guess what so and so said about you. That doesnt seem healthy to me, you would have been better off not knowing those things.

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Elysium))))) I agree with everything that has been said.

This sounds really difficult emotionally. Putting myself in your position, Id feel terribly confused. On the one hand, you loved your t, she was there for you for 5 years. That is a really long time. And unless she kept you on for some kind of selfish, financial thing, I imagine she kept you because she cared for you so very much. So there was real caring, love and concern on her part and I would imagine strong feelings for her on your part. But she should have done the right thing. Deep breath.....

I think it isnt appropriate and fair as you said for her husband to refer you to his wife. And not say something about that. I agree with what has been said. Especially since he had to know in some way that she wasnt qualified (experience-wise or whatever) to work with you. That was the bigger mistake I see. She should have made it clear to you that she wasnt the t for you in the beginning. Maybe once things got underway she thought she could do it? And she liked you? The legal things you mentioned, well, Im not sure why she would have said that. Maybe she was afraid your chart would be called into court and she would have to testify to something. Not sure there, but I am so sorry she left you feeling so confused, disappointed and betrayed. She certainly did all of those things and you DO have every right to feel that way.
Big Hugs to you

[Elysium]

Originally Posted by rainydaygirl420

Im not sure that your new t should be telling you what your old t said about you. That makes me think of how someone will come up and say oh guess what so and so said about you. That doesnt seem healthy to me, you would have been better off not knowing those things.

Thanks Rainy.

New T isn't telling me what old T said, per se...just stating a fact that old T wasn't capable of treating me, recognized that, but that for her own issues, she couldn't/didn't refer me.

New T is very good about not giving here se type info out. She's just trying to help me understand why and how things happened as they did.

The betrayal I feel with mine and old T's relationship does not come from an angry place so much....but more from a confused and hurting place. Kind of like I'm feeling the betrayal and loss from a child's perspective. Duh me!!! I am.

I do miss her soooo much though and I long to just have one more hour....or coffee!! She's not my T anymore...why couldn't she be my mentor or something. I need all the support I can get these days.

[Miracle1986]

(((((Elysium)))))

[rainydaygirl420]

That makes sense, I had a image of your new t leaning over and saying hey so heres what she said about you. LOL Im glad thats not the case, you could look at it as your old t cared a lot about you and even though new her limitations, maybe thought she could over come them. It sounds like it came from a caring place and not from a mean spirited place.