does not work

creates more stress. Waste of time money and effort. Is a fake relationship, causes more pain, creates dependency, feels wrong. I hate me because i still need psychotherapy. I need my T. I hate that i do.

I understand and feel quite similar emotions. I wish i didn't need therapy either because i feel i'm setting myself to be hurt, often unintentionally...but still. But i guess we have to have hope that in time we will realise it is all worth it and start to notice a difference. I'm not sure anything worth having comes along easily but that's my logical side talking, my emotional side is screaming 'it's not fair!'.

((((((((((((((((crystalrose))))))))))))))))))

I always feel off and on about whether therapy actually works. Needing it is so painful. They say to trust the process but that's not easy.

I think everyone goes through that with therapy. I was am kinda in that place right now, feeling like I am hanging on a thin thread but wanting to trust the direction that she is going b/c it all feels so hopeless inside. I almost have to believe in the direction that I am going b/c if I don't then what do I have.
Share what is going on with you therapist, I have and it has helped.

I know it's hard for you, Crystal. I still struggle with the thought that therapy is "fake", that my T only cares because I pay her. You probaby wonder why your T can't just continue to see you, also. If she cares, why can't she? I think like that too. It helps to share your angry thoughts with your T. She'll understand.

This month I have entered my 5th year in my relationship with T and I still think about the following things:

What's the point?
This hurts too much.
I need him too much.
What a waste.
This will someday end.

I used to say these things all the time because, as I felt it, the pain was outweighing the benefits. It is not that way anymore. I can tell you that as therapy progresses, the anxieties, dependency, and pain doesn't necessarily go away or disappear-- but it changes-- and you learn soooo much from it-- I did.

That sounds very much like a real relationship...

I understand that you're feeling frustrated, but I think it's really about accepting limits, Crystal. There are limits in every relationship. This particular kind of relationship just has different ones that we aren't generally accustomed to. As I've said before, we pay for their expertise and their time, but not their humanity. Their caring comes from within. I truly believe that. Frustrating and painful at times? Yes. But very real.

At the moment, I'm feeling the same way. There are times i wonder if i'd have been better off not to go to therapy in the first place. Having attachment problems is painful enough as it is. But when you add in getting attached to a t who cannot love you in return and who is not going to stay in your life, it is torture.

I frequently wonder about the value of therapy. On a personal level it has been incredibly valuable. It has helped me interact with friends and family better,to feel good about the things I do well, understand a little better about how became the person I am at the moment, and has helped me be more open when faced with a new challenge. The downside of this is... I've invested a lot of time and effort into exploring myself, childhood, etc...This exploration unfortunately hasn't yielded tangible things yet. I haven't finished my degree, haven't secured a promotion, haven't really advanced myself in a way that others might recognize as improvements.

I feel like this so often, Crystal. It is sad, we become dependent, love them, need them, they leave, we leave, whats it all for? Sigh........

That's kind of the way life and relationships are in general, don't you think? Well, perhaps minus the dependency...

There is always joy to be found in loving someone even when the relationship has to end. Love is a gift we give to ourselves as well. It's about enjoying the special moments life has to offer us now. I still feel very strongly attached to former T despite not having had a session with him since last December. He's in my heart to stay.

For me, therapy truly ended up being about discovering my capacity to love...which is not at all what I went there for. I got so much more out of it than I ever intended to.