[sw628]

Please all, I desperately need hugs.. such a painful session tonight.

[ECHOES]

as many as you need

be kind to you, wrap your self in soothing loving kindness

[rainbow8]

to you, SW628. I hope you feel better tomorrow. Do you want to share more about what happened?

[jacq10]

[googley]

[jexa]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

as many as you need

be kind to you, wrap your self in soothing loving kindness

Hi come to THREAD "come and get your never ending hugs"

They'll always be some waiting for you.... and take a few extras in case of emerency.....

Think its under Kudos and Affirmation

Hope to see you there

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((SW628)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hope it was healing even if it was painful, those sessions are very hard!

(((((((((((((((((sw)))))))))))))))))))))



I hope you feel better after a night of sleep. Sometimes the most painful sessions are the most healing ones, but it's hard to see until later.

Be extra gentle with you.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by sw628

Please all, I desperately need hugs.. such a painful session tonight.

((((((((((((((((((((((((( dear SW )))))))))))))))))))))))))

hope all is well with you.

[Brightheart]

(((((sw)))))



I hope you feel better about things this AM. If you want to talk more about it, we're here to listen.

[mixedup_emotions]

Some big hugs for you.....

[sw628]

You guys are SO SUPPORTIVE and such lovely people Thanks so much for the hugs. I'll share more of what happened in session..

T and I had spoken quite a bit about what would happen in our upcoming session and how i felt. My T is an ED specialist and i see her for that including other issues. I've struggled with body image issues all throughout high school and bit of ED stuff as well. However it got significantly worse last summer after i graduated from college. That's when I began to see my college T , which then referred me to my current T. Anyway, she decided that it might help me to have dinner with her in session to see what and how much i was eating. I am trying so hard to commit to my healing and getting better,but it's so painful. I brought my dinner with me, took two bites and immediately started crying. T said that she brought dinner, but had accidentally eaten it earlier leaving me to eat alone. I also remember being so angry with her because she kept going on about calories and fat in food( so triggering) while just watching/waiting on me eat. In the midst of my tearful session, i remember feeling very alone and abandoned. I kept thinking of the HUGE amounts of pain that I felt on behalf of my mother( tons of abandonment).It's strange because in the very moment all i wanted was my mother and her touch.... but I NEVER got that from her. Why would I want something from someone that never gave me any sort of comfort of soothing? I only lived with her for 0-7yrs old and even then I was moved around from place to place( foster homes etc). T did ask me at some point what I needed from her and I can't remember what my response was. I remember her sitting next to me on the couch, but everything after that until the end of session is quite foggy. It was just awful and I needed your hugs.

[peaches100]

(((((SW628)))))

So sorry to hear your session was so painful.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by sw628

T said that she brought dinner, but had accidentally eaten it earlier leaving me to eat alone. I also remember being so angry with her because she kept going on about calories and fat in food( so triggering) while just watching/waiting on me eat.

woooooooooooo sw........................ I know it's not good to criticize another's T, and especially in this area when this one is "an ED specialst" and I am certainly not, but it seems the KIND thing for yr T to do would have been to postpone the experiment to another date, and next time, not forget and make you eat alone.

I know that if I go to a restaurant at lunchtime alone, I can scarcely get a fork to my mouth, and that's even with a book to hide behind. I can't shake the feeling that I am being watched and my hands tremble. And you had the certainty that you were being watched; to me this is incredibly hard, what she asked of you,

I have another word for it but I won't use it.

I'm sorry but that's how I see it. Maybe when you are more calm you could tell her that a deal is a deal..... ? here's a sweet hug for you.

[BlueMoon6]

SW28....here is a whole lot of hugs and hugs and hugs for you

What described sounds so incredibly painful. I do believe that if someone says they are a ED specialist it doesnt mean they know what they are doing. I think the idea of a meal with your t is a great idea. I think a lot can come up, but it HAS to be under very safe circumstances and circumstances that allow feelings to come up. I have done that many times, had an eating session and A LOT comes up. It is REALLY difficult.

If she said she was going to eat with you, then she should have and I would imagine you felt just as you descrebed, abandoned. When I did that it was in a group of a couple of people, not alone. It felt safer that way. Food has so many deep meaniings to us. Even drinking a cup of tea brings up feelings for me. I have brought that up in therapy. Could you start small with a cup of something and see what comes up? Bring in a apple? Not a whole lunch kind of thing. That would freak me out, too.

More big hugs, SW, and love to your sweet, gentle soul.

[sw628]

((SWE))) and ((BM))
Thanks for your great advice and personal story. I haven't gotten the courage or strength to email T because I have so many negative feelings right now on top of a really awful cold. Anger, embarrassment, resentment and abandonment all echo in my ear. This all needs to be brought up to her. SWE you're right.. a deal is a deal.I might add that she did bring a small banana and hot chocolate, however that isn't eating with me. BM, thanks for your story. I have reads quite a bit of your post and know that you are right here with me in understanding how hard this is

[BlueMoon6]

SW- I hope your cold feels better....everyone seems to be sick right now

Does your t often eat with you there? A small banana and a cup of hot choc in the room with someone with an ED is big deal (to me). How do you feel when she eats?

I'll tell you what desk-t used to do with me. She almost always ate in a session. I tried to pretend I was "normal" and the eating didnt bother me. Afterall, she is hungry, human, and maybe it made her more human to me. I didnt like the level of "pretending" I had to do for it to be OK. I never mentioned it, my bad. I was afraid to upset her to or to make her change her ways b/c of me. There was a little bit of jealousy of her in that she could so casually eat anything. I had (at one point) asked her if she had an ED. She said no, but she diets occasionally if her weight goes up. She said she knows which clothes fit her at what weight. I wanted to be able to eat casually like that and have a casual attitude toward weight.

Then, the longer her eating in the session went on, I felt like there was a possibility she was deliberately eating. There were times when her meal sparked a conversation, not on food/eating feelings, but on specifically what I could eat for lunch that wouldnt trigger me etc. She didnt go to my feelings. I am very convinced that if I dont go to my feelings on a deeper level, I can know backwards and forwards what I should eat, but I wont feel comfortable eating until I get to what is underneath. But I think there might have been some deliberateness to her eating in front of me. At the time I was really underweight, I thought she was trying to make me hungry or something so Id eat anything...ugh!

Dt once told me to read books on ED. It was one of the only times I got angry at what she said when she said it. It was a reflex. I said, "I could write my own book on eating disorders, I dont need to read anything." She smiled UGH! I thought it was very simplistic and a textbook way of working with me. I think I have read enough about it all.....I need to do the work....

[taylor43]

((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) be gentle with yourself