I should be more happy?

I finally have a date to see my therapist, who disappeared abruptly because she was placed on leave. (Long story to be found in other threads.) The point of this is that I have not felt particularly glad or excited since I got the call last week to book a session. It will be six months almost to the day since the last one.

Maybe I just ran out of emotional energy to spend on this situation. Maybe its partly because I am only sure of seeing her while she is in her new job, which may be temporary. She took the position for a year. Of which two months have already passed. She doesn't know what will come next.

Or maybe it's just that six months is a long time and I have pretty well shut down my connection to her, since it was so painful at first not to be able to see her.

Guess I'll start to discover what's up once I sit down in front of her in a couple of weeks.

A 6-month break is pretty long. It may be that you've lost some of the connected feeling you had with her. It could also be that you're holding yourself at an emotional distance because there's no guarantee you'll be able to see her long term if she leaves her current job after 1 year. You may be reluctant to reconnect knowing that therapy may not last much longer. Is this how you feel? Could you be trying to protect yourself from hurt down the road by resisting reconnection with her now?

Yes, peaches, I think you may be right that I am protecting myself. That would be a familiar way for me to react. As I said, I guess I'll have to see how it goes in a couple of weeks.

ripley, do you want to see her again? You always have the choice to not resume therapy with her. Do you still have issues you would like to work on in therapy, or do you feel you have resolved them?

Hi sunrise,

I do want to see her again. And my issues are manifold and largely unresolved. I am starting to think that what I an experiencing is a kind of 'insecure attachment' phenomenon. In kids that looks like this:

"Distressed on separation with ambivalence, anger, reluctance to warm to caregiver and return to play on return."

The abrupt separation was traumatic when it occurred and my younger self, who was just on the verge of really trusting my therapist and feeling welcome in her presence, seems to be where the feeling of resistance originates. I guess that makes sense. My last session, six months ago, ended with my T asking me "Do you think she would like to come back next time?" (As in this young me) To which I answered with a tentative "Probably" And the next thing that happened was her disappearance.
I spent weeks trying to reassure my young self, but I think she doesn't really believe much of what I say. Or maybe it is just that for 2 or 3 year-olds, six months is an eternity.

I can understand your ambivalence, ripley. I think it will take time for you to regain that trust with your T. But I think you will! Are you worried, even now that you have the appointment, that she will disappear again before you get a chance to see her? If it were me, with my negativity I'd be thinking like that. I'd be a nervous wreck, probably!

Yes, 6 months would seem like an eternity to a small child! I imagine you have so many pent up feelings, both as an adult and a child, to discuss with your T. I hope your session goes well.

Yes, rainbow, as you and sunrise both suggest I think part of what is squashing me emotionally is the sense of insecurity. Will this appointment actually take place, or will I show up again and be told to go home? And once I resume with her, will I engage fully only to find out that we won't be able to continue for very long?

I guess it is standard procedure to be guarded in the face of possible disappointment. And my lack of a positive response is very typical of me. No excitement means no letdown. I often say to people who wonder at my lack of enthusiasm "I don't do excited."