[Medicated]

In the past two months, I have been involuntarily hospitalized for depression, kicked from psychiatrist to psychiatrist, from diagnosis to diagnosis, from treatment to treatment, from therapist to therapist, around and around, and back again.

When this all began, I poured my heart into the quest for the right answer. I made myself vulnerable repeatedly. I was deeply invested emotionally. As the diagnosis and plans constantly changed, I suffered disappointment after disappointment, and each one crushed my spirits just a little bit more. I don't know how many times I crawled back for help after getting the wind knocked out of me, hopeful that the next person or the next plan would work.

I quit the DBT clinic last Friday because I felt like that therapist just was not listening to me and wouldn't believe anything I said. I couldn't trust her. (I also disagreed with the borderline diagnosis.) This afternoon, I met with a new counselor (CBT). After we spoke for a while, she sat back, looked at me thoughtfully, and asked, "Do you really want to do this? It seems like you're not sure if you want to be here." She's right; I'm not sure.

I'll admit that I probably have issues which could stand to be addressed, but I think I'm completely burned-out on trying to get help. I've gone into turtle-mode, proclaiming that everything is fine (so let's just forget that any of this ever happened). What I'm seeing now is that even though I realize deep-down that therapy could be beneficial, I'm either unwilling or unable to make the emotional investment necessary for therapy to help. Perhaps I have lost hope in the system.

I wish I could trust again, but it just doesn't seem to be that easy. I'm emotionally exhausted from all that I've been through in the past couple months, and I feel like I have nothing more to give to make therapy work now. It's like I can't get help because I need help.

As appealing as it feels, I know just quitting altogether probably isn't the right choice. What can I do?

[zooropa]

that sounds wrenching, going from T to T & asking over and over for help, only to be pushed away again. I'm so sorry.

What was your response when the new T asked you if you really wanted to be there today? I'm thinking the only thing you can do at this point is just be honest, I think it's completely understandable why you'd be burned out at this point. But maybe if you can keep talking to her about that, and just keep showing up, it'll get better as you see that she's not going to disappoint you yet again?

[Medicated]

Originally Posted by zooropa

What was your response when the new T asked you if you really wanted to be there today? I'm thinking the only thing you can do at this point is just be honest, I think it's completely understandable why you'd be burned out at this point. But maybe if you can keep talking to her about that, and just keep showing up, it'll get better as you see that she's not going to disappoint you yet again?

Yes, I was entirely honest with her. I don't want to waste our time and my money if this is a hopeless endeavor from the start. I agreed to come back next week, and she says she wants to talk more about what has happened in the past couple months. I think her plan is to try to help me have a little faith again... I'm not opposed to that - I'd welcome it - I'm just having a hard time believing that it's possible. It feels so futile.

If nothing else, I ought to try a little patience. I can still do that.

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by Medicated

Yes, I was entirely honest with her. I don't want to waste our time and my money if this is a hopeless endeavor from the start. I agreed to come back next week, and she says she wants to talk more about what has happened in the past couple months. I think her plan is to try to help me have a little faith again... I'm not opposed to that - I'd welcome it - I'm just having a hard time believing that it's possible. It feels so futile.

If nothing else, I ought to try a little patience. I can still do that.

If you are looking for a good T. I could recommend someone in the city.

[sunrise]

Medicated, that sounds so difficult to be bounced around like that. I can understand why you would be tired of trying to make it work, and having to keep starting over again with new practitioners. That would be hardest under the best of circumstances, but when you are fighting depression, it could easily be just too much.

I think once you find a decent pdoc, you should just be able to keep him/her. Do you know why you are being bounced from pdoc to pdoc? Is it to do with your ability to pay or insurance?

As for therapists, the way you write about being "bounced around", it sounds like it has been out of your control who you go to see. What control do you have? Are you restricted by insurance? Must use a community health center? Must do a particular type of therapy? Are you getting bounced because you are diagnosed with one thing, so you see a T who specializes in that, then the diagnosis changes, and you are passed to another T who specializes in that, etc.? If so, I wonder if a good all-around therapist with a broad scope of practice would be a solution? Then if a diagnosis changes, they can handle it without having to refer you to someone new.

Are you having any say in what type of therapy you enroll in? If a main issue is depression and what you most want to work on, there are a number of different therapeutic approaches that can help depression. Maybe ones you have tried are not the right approach for you, they don't "click" with you, or fit your personality or natural way of interacting well. Could that be? You mentioned DBT. That is a variety of CBT, right? So if you didn't like DBT and quit it, maybe now doing CBT would be too similar an approach and you wouldn't find it helpful either. Maybe you can talk with the counselor about treatment options for depression and ask her to describe different therapy approaches. Perhaps one will really stand out to you and you will feel that yes, that could be helpful! And then you could get a referral to someone who practices that kind of therapy. I know that sounds like yet another person, but it stood out to me that you were quitting DBT and now starting over with CBT, which is kind of similar. But it did sound like perhaps the main problem was the DBT counselor's lack of listening to you, so maybe if the CBT counselor is personally a good fit for you, it wouldn't matter what approach.

My T is really focused on health rather than pathology and doesn't go in big for diagnoses. Since you don't think the BPD diagnosis fits, and the therapist did, I can see this would be a big conflict. Maybe being with a T who doesn't focus on diagnoses would be helpful. You could focus on solving specific problems in therapy (you are depressed, your relationships are unsatisfactory, you are stressed out, etc.--whatever the case may be), instead of focusing on what is "wrong" with you, which to me is what a diagnosis-centric approach does. Maybe to start, it would be helpful to have a T who can provide some good old fashioned unconditional positive regard and hope for the future.

If you are emotionally exhausted, maybe you shouldn't tell too much too soon in therapy. You can explain that to the T, and spend a few sessions getting to know each other, talking about lighter topics, not going deep and dark too fast. It is hard to do intense therapy if you are exhausted.

Another option is to take a break from therapy now and emotionally "rest". Sometimes we need some time to not work on our problems and can then return to therapy in a few months, when we are rested and ready.

[moonrise]

Sunrise mentioned taking a break from therapy. At one point in my life, I could have typed your post. I finally had enough. I cold turkey stopped therapy and meds (not that I am suggesting this), got a master's degree, got married, had a kid. I was so skeptical of mental health, and though it was a bunch of bull. Then I got triggered when my dd reached a certain age.

I'm back in therapy now, and I think having a break did wonders. It also allowed me to take more of a charge of what I want to do, how I want to be.

Mine was a very drastic break. I think if I had taken a few months earlier to figure things out before I got to crisis mode, I would have been healthier. I DO have issues that I need help resolving. And therapy is very helpful right now.

I think before, being hospitalized so many times, having people tell me what to do, what meds to take, I felt controlled and I resented it. I resented feeling like I HAD to be in therapy. Now that it's a choice, I feel so much better about it.

[Medicated]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I think once you find a decent pdoc, you should just be able to keep him/her. Do you know why you are being bounced from pdoc to pdoc? Is it to do with your ability to pay or insurance?

I should clarify - there were a total of three psychiatrists. #1 in the hospital held opinion A of me, #2 in the hospital held opinion B, and #3, who I have actually seen for a year and am now seeing again went from thinking opinion B before hospitalization, to opinion A during and after the hospital, and now opinion C as of last week. Confused yet? Me too.

Originally Posted by sunrise

As for therapists, the way you write about being "bounced around", it sounds like it has been out of your control who you go to see. What control do you have? Are you restricted by insurance? Must use a community health center? Must do a particular type of therapy?

There have also been three therapists. The first I saw for a few months before hospitalization. He was okay (not great, but good enough), but I can't go back to him now because he works for the university I attend... and since I'm on a leave of absence, I can't be seen at their clinic until I come back from leave. The second is the DBT therapist who had her mind made up about me, but who was clearly misinformed on a number of key points. When I tried to disagree with her assumptions of what I was thinking, she accused me of being defensive and narcissistic. I was sent to DBT because I spent a few weeks as "Borderline." Now I'm not again. Now I'm ADD. The third is this lady who I just met today.

All three were recommended by my psychiatrist, and since I have student insurance, it is fairly restricted. I know CBT and DBT are similar, but DBT was too structured to allow adequate time to address some of my concerns which do not fit into plot of the program. I have done CBT before and found it helpful.

Originally Posted by sunrise

Maybe being with a T who doesn't focus on diagnoses would be helpful. You could focus on solving specific problems in therapy (you are depressed, your relationships are unsatisfactory, you are stressed out, etc.--whatever the case may be), instead of focusing on what is "wrong" with you, which to me is what a diagnosis-centric approach does.

I'm personally sick of diagnoses, so they only hold one area of importance to me... and that is that the diagnosis often determines the treatment. It's how I ended up at the DBT clinic. (Don't get me wrong - it's not a bad program, but the therapist and I didn't agree, and I wasn't comfortable there.) Now that the psychiatrist doesn't think I'm borderline any more, he wants me to do CBT instead anyway. I agree though - most of my issues can be addressed without applying any label.

Originally Posted by sunrise

If you are emotionally exhausted, maybe you shouldn't tell too much too soon in therapy. You can explain that to the T, and spend a few sessions getting to know each other, talking about lighter topics, not going deep and dark too fast. It is hard to do intense therapy if you are exhausted.

Sometimes I feel like there is nothing particularly intense to talk about. Maybe it's my way of protecting myself, but there really isn't anything that I would hesitate to discuss. I've told my story so many times now that I'm sick of hearing it. Now it's just like rambling off facts. I don't even know what "intense" therapy would entail right now.

Originally Posted by sunrise

Another option is to take a break from therapy now and emotionally "rest". Sometimes we need some time to not work on our problems and can then return to therapy in a few months, when we are rested and ready.

I've been considering that, but I don't think the psychiatrist will let me. When I called him to discuss possibly quitting DBT, he said it would be fine, but was quite firm that I had to be seeing SOMEONE aside from just him. I personally think it might take a while for me to genuinely feel like I need help again... and want to give it an honest try.

Maybe I need to just put the computer down and stop ruminating.

[Medicated]

Originally Posted by moonrise

Sunrise mentioned taking a break from therapy. At one point in my life, I could have typed your post. I finally had enough. I cold turkey stopped therapy and meds (not that I am suggesting this), got a master's degree, got married, had a kid. I was so skeptical of mental health, and though it was a bunch of bull. Then I got triggered when my dd reached a certain age.

I'm back in therapy now, and I think having a break did wonders. It also allowed me to take more of a charge of what I want to do, how I want to be.

Mine was a very drastic break. I think if I had taken a few months earlier to figure things out before I got to crisis mode, I would have been healthier. I DO have issues that I need help resolving. And therapy is very helpful right now.

I think before, being hospitalized so many times, having people tell me what to do, what meds to take, I felt controlled and I resented it. I resented feeling like I HAD to be in therapy. Now that it's a choice, I feel so much better about it.

I hadn't considered that possibility - maybe I'm just sick of the fiasco and am subconsciously reacting or rebelling by [somewhat unintentionally] telling people to get off my back. Right now, I really don't think there's all that much wrong with me... which I guess is an interesting assertion from someone who got out of the hospital a month ago. Maybe time would help me see things more clearly.

However, I really do HAVE to be in therapy if I ever want to go back to school. The counseling center has to evaluate my case and make sure I'm stable and following treatment plans before they'll allow me back. I wish taking a break was an option.

So now I'm thinking that what I need to do is turn this around in my head. I need to make it my choice to be there. I have to want to be there, not just to appease people, but because I actually want things to change. The key to all of this is finding something to work on that holds significant meaning to me. I need a strong motive, attainable goal, and real reason to care.

Actually, maybe I have one...

As a side note, I wish I had been able to choose my own therapist... I have a bias for PhD's, and this lady I met today is a social worker. I also tend to prefer men (not sure why)... but that's a different topic. I think part of my trouble with this lady is that I was referred to her by the psychiatrist, but she's not who I would have picked. Now I feel obligated to stay though.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Medicated

So now I'm thinking that what I need to do is turn this around in my head.

I think that sentence is SO powerful, it certainly is to me anyway. If we (ok, I) could just remember to step back & look at things a different way, to turn it around in my head, how much better or at least different it would look. And maybe reveal options & choices I didn't think I had from my previous perspective. thanks for that.