[jexa]

Last night was just a really crap session. Not in the mood to have a T talk, really. Just feeling too tired lately. I feel stuck in T, like I'm just the same as when I started, and it's very frustrating.

At the end, I asked T why we hadn't continued with my OCD exposure hierarchy. We haven't even talked about it for two months. And she said, "I don't know, why haven't we?" Like it isn't obvious that NO ONE wants to do exposures because an exposure is facing a fear and I don't want to but I need to but I don't want to! I want to get better, and yes exposures will probably help me get better.. but saying, "Let's work on exposures today" feels like asking to jump off a cliff! It may be pathetic, but I just can't do that! I want HER to tell me to do it, so I can!

We kept going back and forth, and I ended up saying, straight up, "Please, just TELL me to do them!" And she said, "Jessica, that is the LAST thing I'm going to do." And that was the end of the session.

I know what she wants is for me to take charge of my treatment and lead it in the direction I need to go.

I can't. I am so pathetic. But I can't do this.

I want to quit T. I want to quit life. I'm never going to get better because I am a pathetic, lazy person completely lacking in self-control. I am obviously just not trying hard enough. I am wasting my time. I am wasting my money. I must not want this enough. Or maybe no one can help me.

[phoenix47baby]

Maybe it is time to look for a new T. Just a thought. I am sorry for your frustration. Sending good thoughts your way. phoenix47

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((( dear Jexa ))))))))))))

I would just like to sit with you for a while, if that's OK. this is a hard place you are in.

love and prayers
SAWE

jexa

Do you like your T? If you're comfortable with T, maybe print out your post and tell T how you feel in more detail than you already discussed.

I'm sorry, it is so hard to feel stuck, and it's natural to feel like you want to quit therapy when you feel that way. Maybe go back and read through threads when you did have good sessions, to look back on your progress.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by jexa

We kept going back and forth, and I ended up saying, straight up, "Please, just TELL me to do them!" And she said, "Jessica, that is the LAST thing I'm going to do." And that was the end of the session.

How frustrating!
I have gotten this kind of a response and was NOT happy. From dt But I would wonder why she didnt delve into what might be preventing you from taking charge and why that is hard. Frustration or not on t's part, it looks like an opportunity to go deeper.

I know what she wants is for me to take charge of my treatment and lead it in the direction I need to go.
I can't. I am so pathetic. But I can't do this.

I SO know that feeling of "I cant" and t saying "yes you can, you dont want to."
Maybe you have some idea of why it is hard for you to "take charge" or whatever it is that may be in the way of you moving onto the exposure heirarchy. If you can't, there must be something in the way. No? It felt to me very dismissive and invalidating to hear that I could just "do it" when I felt I couldnt. And just more of the same invalidation that caused the problems in the first place when I am given the message that I am just not trying hard enough.

[qoute]I want to quit T. I want to quit life. I'm never going to get better because I am a pathetic, lazy person completely lacking in self-control. I am obviously just not trying hard enough. I am wasting my time. I am wasting my money. I must not want this enough. Or maybe no one can help me.[/quote]
I like Dream's suggestion to print the post and read it to her. It is sad to me to hear you invalidate yourself when you say you must not want this enough or call yourself other names. Can you say something to t about the way you have been feeling?
I dont think you are lazy and or lack self-control at all. I think you are struggling and may need t to take another approach than, "the last thing I am going to do is tell you to do them." When I am in that spot, it is because something is in the way, some block, some feeling about myself or the particluar thing I am to do. That is why we are in therapy, right? To get help for the deeper things in the way of success.
I know you can do this, Jexa, and go further. You are bright and insightful and very motivated.
Hugs to you

[crystalrose]

thats not good. hope things start to be better for you. I wouldn't like to do the exposure either and would need T to push me which she would never do to me.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by phoenix47baby

Maybe it is time to look for a new T. Just a thought.

Thanks phoenix for the support.. I don't think I need a new T though. I've had quite a few Ts. This one really listens and cares. The situation with the exposure hierarchy is a little more complicated than I presented -- I work at an OCD clinic, so I know how the treatment for OCD works, in some ways better than she does because she does not specialize in OCD. I think that if I were able to take charge of my treatment, asserting myself in that way would be really good for me. I know she really cares about me. She almost always goes about half an hour overtime with me in session.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I would just like to sit with you for a while, if that's OK.

Yes that's ok! Thanks so much sawe, that actually made me tear up, thinking of someone sitting with me through all of this. You can sit as long as you like.

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

Do you like your T? If you're comfortable with T, maybe print out your post and tell T how you feel in more detail than you already discussed.

Thanks for the support dream. I do like my T. A lot, actually. I know she cares and only is doing this because she thinks it's in my best interest.

I think it was pretty clear from our exchange how frustrated I am with her. I don't think I need to print out this post -- I plan to tell her how hopeless I felt after our session.

I also just grew some balls a little and sent her this email:

I do want to do them.
I do think they will help.
Please help me sum up the courage. This is not easy.

*sigh*

Hopefully that will get a good response from her.

Originally Posted by bluemoon6

But I would wonder why she didnt delve into what might be preventing you from taking charge and why that is hard.

Actually, at some point during the back-and-forth, she did ask, "Why do you need me to sanction this?" Or something like that. And I said, "I don't know. I don't really understand it. It's something like I need your validation before I can move forward." But we didn't take that anywhere. There wasn't much time left in the session. We'd already gone about 20 min over by then. Knowing her, I'd imagine she would have taken that somewhere if we'd had more time.

Originally Posted by bluemoon6

Can you say something to t about the way you have been feeling?

I will. I can be pretty honest with this T, luckily, and she's aware of how frustrated I am. I'll tell her how hopeless I felt after our session, that it made me consider quitting T. I'm at least going to go to our next session. I have hope that she will handle this better next session, especially after my email.

T actually doesn't think I "don't try hard enough," so I don't think that's the message she's trying to convey. That's all coming from me. In fact, in her opinion, I try too hard. If she gives me homework, I take it too far and go way overboard with it. She actually refuses to give me homework anymore because I get so fixated on it that it consumes my days until my next session.

I think she's trying to get me to assert myself with her. I think she's putting me in this uncomfortable position where I have to do that to get what I need. She told me, "You don't have to make a decision about it today." She might be seeing if I will eventually get there, you know? Because even if it takes me a while to do that, being able to say, "Lets try exposures today," on my own, will be good for me. If I can get there. Maybe she thinks I am capable of this, if she waits it out.

I'm sure T will be open to discussion about this. I know I will at least need her encouragement, and at least some pushing from her. Even if it's just her asking, at the beginning of sessions, "Would you like to try an exposure today?" If she can't give that to me, then I may have to take phoenix's suggestion and find a new T.

Originally Posted by bluemoon6

I know you can do this, Jexa, and go further. You are bright and insightful and very motivated.
Hugs to you

Thanks blue, so much, for the support.

Originally Posted by crystalrose

I wouldn't like to do the exposure either and would need T to push me which she would never do to me.

Exposures are hard for everyone!! Would T push you if you asked her to?

Thanks crystal for the hugs.

Thanks everyone! I'm feeling a little more hopeful after the email I sent T. Maybe she will be willing, at least, to help me sum up the courage to do these things.

(((((((((((((jexa)))))))))))

I love the e-mail that you sent to your T. You took charge, told her that you want to do them, but let her know what you need in order to be able to accomplish that. That is really good work

I know you feel frustrated right now...I have been there, believe me...but I have learned that my healing is worth fighting for. And so is yours. Don't run away...stay, and talk and talk and talk until you have this resolved with T and you are ready to move forward. From what you wrote it sounds like you and T like each other very much. You'll get to the other side of this.

T and I had a rupture that lasted all summer, and now we can look back at it and see how that moved our relationship and my healing forward. T says "it happened the way it had to happen". It was horrible at the time, but it was so worth fighting through to the other side of it.

Sending lots of to you!

I also just grew some balls a little and sent her this email:

I do want to do them.
I do think they will help.
Please help me sum up the courage. This is not easy.

Great email to T! I hope you get a good response. And that's great that you are so open with T, telling T how you are frustrated. I hope it works out for you!

I'm not sure if my T would push me on an issue, even if I asked her to do it - she's big on me being in control of therapy, which I like. But there may come a time when I do ask T to push me on something!

[darkrunner]

Hi Jexa,
I like the email you sent to your T too.
But I have to say, the whole situation is very familiar to me and really frustrating, and makes me kind of mad.
If we were able to push ourselves into doing the things that are hard, would we really need to be in therapy? I think part of therapy is to help us address issues that we are avoiding in our lives.
I know if my T didn't ask me about it, I would not talk about my eating disorder. And, my T never tries to do trauma work, so we haven't touched on that at all. I will not/cannot bring it up.
I don't think it is fair for T's to expect us to direct our own therapy.
I think that is expecting a lot of someone who is already going outside the comfort-zone by asking for help and support in the first place.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I understand.

[crystalrose]

don't know if T would push me thats not an issue i deal with so i don't know. But she only pushes a little with other things then stops.

[jexa]

I am so stupid.

I was being so good.

I was waiting for T reply but feeling very very hopeless today. Then I sent her this email.

This is a rut, and I am spinning my wheels. I am not getting anywhere.

You can't rescue me. I can't rescue me. You won't push me. I can't find my own push.

Can you help me sum up the courage to do what I need to do?

I don't think you can do that for me. I don't think you would, even if I needed that. You can't treat me like a child, even if I need that. I sit alone in my room. I wallow. I wrap myself in my head. I know this is not healthy, but here I am. There are moments where it clears. I think, what should I do instead? Nothing is there. Nothing comes up. And I slip away again.

I don't know if I give a **** anymore. And no one cares anyway. Nothing helps, so I'm pretty sure the problem is just me, my lack of motivation, my laziness. I've been to enough therapists that it becomes clear it's me that's the problem. How many people do I need to see before I figure out that this is hopeless? Tell me what to do, and I will do it, but if you won't tell me what to do, nothing's going to change.

This is not a disorder. I don't even have a disorder. I keep trying to classify what is clearly just a character failing. I just lack self-control. I'm nothing but a follower. I barely exist. And I start to think that none of this is worth anything anyway. I am wasting my time in therapy. I am wasting your time. I am wasting my money. All this pain for nothing. I'm never going to get anywhere with this. If I really wanted to get better, I could do it myself. All the pieces of the puzzle are in front of me. It's all there. It's not like I don't know what I need to do. But still, I'm slipping further away.



I am so stupid. I am so sick of myself.

jexa

You are not stupid! You're feeling hopeless and sad and scared that it will never get better - many of us can relate to those horrible feelings.

I think it's good that you sent that email to T - the more insight you give T into your feelings, the more T can help you. Hang in there!!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by jexa

....... sent her this email:
I do want to do them.
I do think they will help.
Please help me sum up the courage. This is not easy.

This is excellent. I am so glad you sent it!!!

[jexa]

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

jexa

You are not stupid! You're feeling hopeless and sad and scared that it will never get better - many of us can relate to those horrible feelings.

I think it's good that you sent that email to T - the more insight you give T into your feelings, the more T can help you. Hang in there!!!

There are two reasons this was stupid: (1) T doesn't like long emails, only business-y emails, and (2) I knew how much I would obsess about it.. which I am, because she hasn't replied yet.. I am checking, checking, checking, checking my email constantly. Also I did not mention that I didn't really want to hit send.. I did it on impulse and immediately regretted it. Then I sent T another message with apologies and obsessive, repeated "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Six times. And then multiple exclamation marks etc. I'm feeling so out of control.

The second email was worse than the original email actually. Ughhhh so unhealthy, these behaviors.

[darkrunner]

Take a deep breathe, Jexa.

It sounds like your thoughts are spiraling.
Your T will understand.
Is there something you can do to distract yourself?
I know how hard it is to wait and wait for a response. It's awful.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, ok? Please stop beating yourself up!
I understand having a moment like that, doing something impulsive and wishing more than anything that I coudl take it back.
It will be ok.

Do you have an appt scheduled with T? Could you call T? Even if it is just a quick convo maybe that would help put your mind at ease.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

Take a deep breathe, Jexa.

It sounds like your thoughts are spiraling.
Your T will understand.
Is there something you can do to distract yourself?
I know how hard it is to wait and wait for a response. It's awful.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, ok? Please stop beating yourself up!
I understand having a moment like that, doing something impulsive and wishing more than anything that I coudl take it back.
It will be ok.

Do you have an appt scheduled with T? Could you call T? Even if it is just a quick convo maybe that would help put your mind at ease.

Thanks ktgirl. I don't feel like it'll be ok. I do feel like I'm in a spiral. I've been just staying here on PC, distracting myself with the internet.. It doesn't work very well. But my OCD and depression makes it so I can't read, can't think, can barely watch movies. All my mind can think about are these ruminations and bad thoughts. This sucks.

T probably won't reply til midnight since that's when she usually replies. I want to send another email to tell her not to read any of my emails but that's just a bad idea!

I won't see T until Friday. I don't want to call her. I've been too needy lately. It will only make me feel guilty to call. I will wait. I hope her email is reassuring.

jexa

Can you get out of the house, maybe go to a movie or something to distract yourself? Do whatever you need to do to feel safe and calmer.

[jexa]

T still hasn't replied! She's ignoring the emails completely I bet. Ugh.

(((((((((((jexa))))))))))))

I have been in that spiraling place, and it is so not fun...

I know you said you don't want to call T, but I hope you will reconsider, if you think it might be helpful at all. I know that when I am spiraling like that, especially about the T relationship, sometimes talking to T can STOP the spiral and it's such a relief. Friday just feels like a long time to wait when you are struggling so much.

[jexa]

I am crying tears of relief.

T email got sent to my spam. She actually replied early yesterday evening.

She said:

Hi Jessica.
No worries. I'm glad you sent me the email so I know what you are thinking. We can talk it through on Friday.

I don't like to go into things on email because of the issues we talked about. However, I want to say right away that I don't think this is anything permanent or global like a character flaw. I hope I have not given the impression that this is something you would have to do alone. We can work on this together.

Spiral ended. Sigh of relief.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by jexa

Spiral ended. Sigh of relief.

jexa

Yay, jexa!!!