I think only you guys will get this..

So I've been away a while... sorry about that - I've been in a lot of transition recently and I've only had energy to read the board for a while. To update - I moved across the country and I'm living in California now. Since I moved I had to terminate with my T and start with a new T here.

I'm sure some of you remember how hard the termination was for me. Well since I've moved I've been with my new T about 2, maybe 3 months. I'm finally at a place where I'm starting to trust her and feel comfortable with her. It's definitely not like it was before - she has a different approach - but that's to be expected I guess.

I'd been keeping in touch with old T - a call maybe every other week since I came out here. She's been really supportive and helpful through my transition but I knew that holding onto her was keeping me from building a relationship with my new T.

So last week I finally got up the courage to talk about old T with new T. We didn't talk much about it - it kept leading off into other conversations (it's hard to have a new T because there is so much to fill them in on!!) but I did a lot of processing after the session on my own and ultimately came to the realization that, I need to let go for a while so I can work toward that place with new T.

So I left old T a message to call me when she had some time. She called me tonight and it was such a sad, sweet conversation. I told her that this wouldn't be like most of our recent calls because I usually call her when things are not going well, but instead I wanted to tell her that I'm going to stop calling regularly because I'm actually doing alright (got a job, making friends, doing healthy behaviors) and I'm starting to trust my new T.

It was the saddest conversation. I started to cry and she told me she teared up too, I guess I caught her by surprise. It felt like termination all over again. She gave me some really lovely parting words, like to be kind to myself and to note that the worry really is a waste of my time because things will work out eventually (she gave specific examples from my life, which was enlightening) and of course, that she's always a phone call away and that it's fine if I need that.

Oh she said something that made me such a mess, she said that people come and go in our lives and we learn from them and sometimes care for them and then it's okay if it's over, but other people make imprints on our lives and change us and even if they are far away, it's never really over because the impact they had made life different. I knew she was also talking about me for her. I'm well aware of the mutual nature of our relationship but that just reminds me of how real it was. It felt like a big hug over the phone. It was so nice.

I guess I'm writing this because I'm just so sad that this journey is over for now. I need to talk about it and process it but people just don't get it. I know you guys will understand this terrible sadness that I'm feeling.

I miss her tons and tons.

Oh so sad......And yes, I totally get it. It would be different if the circumstances were different. I think it's great that you remained in touch with your old T until you were at the right place with your new T. That says a lot about your ability to self-care...and that your old T was so willing to continue to work with you by phone.

I hope you give yourself time to grieve...some people may not understand, but you are so right that we here do.

What a wonderful thing to share! I know it's hard to lose a T, but you haven't really lost her. She will always be with you and will always care!

(((((((((might)))))))))

I can resonate with so much of what you wrote. It sounds like you and your T had a beautiful and special relationship that helped you both profoundly. Sometimes hearing those words about people coming and going are so painful, but you just have to remember that you have much much more good ahead of you, and as your T said, you will always carry a part of those people with you wherever you go.
I hope that you and your new T can also build a special and unique relationship, and that you continue to settle well in your new home.
Times, they are a changin...
Be well,
Jacq

((((((((mightaswelllive)))))))
I just went through this process and it was very similar to yours. That last phone call for me was the most painful. I poured out tears when I hung up. I found those supportive conversations made the transition much easier. I also found (to my surprise) that my new T was willing to talk with me about my old T. I found it so much easier to connect with my new T once I felt like I got the "elephant" in the room visible and talked about. I was worried that my new T would not want to talk about my strong feelings of attachment I had for my old T. But that was not the case. Once we talked about it I found I was able to connect with my new T better. I didn't feel like I was "cheating" on one of them with my feelings. I hope you continue to talk about your feelings with your new T. I'm sure she'll be willing to hear what worked and didn't work with your old T.

It's good to have you back.

Thank you so much for sharing that! That sadness must feel horrible, but I'm also so glad that things are going well for you and that you are trusting your new T more and more.

Take good care of yourself!

(((((((might)))))))

This made me tear up. This is a loss, so bittersweet. I'm glad you're doing better and felt brave enough to take this step.

((((Mightaswelllive))))) I also teared up reading that. It sounds like you have a wonderful capacity for intimacy with both Ts. It struck me as sad, but also as a profound step forward in your new life in your new home.

I think I am in awe because no matter how much I knew it would move me forward, I could not imagine saying good-bye to someone I loved and cherished, like a T. MAWL- You are strong, brave, willing and very capable. This took my breath away.

(((((MAWL))))),

Yes, I totally "get" it. Your relationship with your T sounds so very special, and you will always have it inside of you. You're very brave!

I'm feeling really, really sad about this decision. All I want to do is talk to old T now. I got so sad yesterday about this relationship ending. Yesterday I cried about everything and I knew it was because I was upset about this. It's impossibly hard to let go of the safest, healthiest, most powerful relationship I've ever had knowing that no one is actually forcing me to. Nothing is making sense right now.

Anyway, thanks for your kind messages.

(((((((((((((((MIGHT)))))))))))))

whoa this is so old! thanks for the flashback

its funny that the "new T" in that thread isnt even my T anymore. i saw her for like 3 months. i actually forgot about her. lol

still miss old t though. ow.

hope you're ok wolfsong