No language.

Because of the deep work thats been happening in T the past 2 or 3 weeks, I feel myself missing T a lot between sessions. Yes I always miss her, but I think when big "shifts" begin to happen the need for her becomes very regressive.

I was just wondering about it, trying to ease it, work it out, get rid of it. The feeling began to build in my shoulders and then I wondered, its that feeling that I try to avoid, but what is that feeling? Its scary, unyet the feeling it, wanting to be rid of it happens so fast that I dont get time to be with it.

I begun to think what would this be like if there were no words for it, no language. I know I often speak in T of feeling like I've been dropped on another planet where no one else exists, where no language exists, I think for me this is what it must have felt like at birth. Once taken away from my mother, the feeling of something not being there but not being able to think about it, put words to it, express it is what remains within me. I must have cried until I realised that was futile, accept I wouldnt even have had languge for that, it would have been like that feeling I had today, that crept up into my shoulders and sets my stomach on edge.

Thinking about all of this I realised what a luxury it is to miss T and be able to think about her absence and have words for it. I thought it had to be that T had to never be absent and I never feel the saddness of her absence. Today I think I see how natural missing someone , and thinking about them is compared to loss and no language to put words to that loss nor cognitive ablity to work through that loss.

T doesn't seem to impossiblt absent now, not now that I have language and congitive abilty!! Something a baby doesnt have the luxury of having.

It is indeed amazing to be able to care enough to miss a T between sessions :-) Good for you! I know for me I tend to try to avoid feeling that sense of loss and longing. It feels so unnatural for me. Like if I miss T, there is something wrong with me. But I think it is a good sign of healing. Healthy people form attachments to others in society. It is what makes societies and families work. For me, I have spent so much time as a child being hurt by the people who I felt should have loved me, family and friends, that I decided to not allow myself to feel those natural connections with others. The more distance I could maintain between me and "them", the less I would hurt when they would leave, die, or say something that could hurt my feeling.

With T I am learning how to safely allow myself to care about another person. I find myself wanting to know how he is doing. For me, wow, that is a huge step to healing. My "friends" from the past never were too close to me because I really never bothered to ask them how they were doing. I did not want to know. I told myself I cared about them, but I did not realize I was in fortress mode. Then when they left me, I didn't care about that either... Or at least that is what I told myself.

A good T will allow us the safe relationship practice we need. I am glad you posted this and very glad you enjoy the "luxury" of missing your T :-)

We come alongside, Melbadaze,

Yes, we hold out HOPE too, that anything is possible.

Hello Melba,

I had a similar feeling on the opposite end of the spectrum this past week. I have been having a very hard time while driving and alone and have to fight the urge to close my eyes. I was trying to describe to T what it felt like -- the desire to shut out the thinking that happens when alone; T said that I was missing the internalized mother. But when I left him the other day, I was okay in my car. I had filled myself with T. He was "with" me. And I didn't have the urge to self-destruct; at least for a while. I realized I had replaced the empty feeling with T. Yes, it is truly a gift that we can have these cognitive thoughts of missing and filling ourselves with T.

And always always hope.

Best.

Miss C.... very interesting comment. I often try to shut out the thoughts that surface when I am alone. Never really thought about it this way. Thanks

What a wonderful sentiment, Melba! I learned much from your post. I have never considered this, concentrating too much on what I have lost, whereas you are concentrating on what you have. Consider me in Admiration ~ billieJ