Old T smiled and waved at me today, just like he used to do.

Old T keeps looking at me with that look, just like he used to do.

I thought I scared him away for good.

I only apologized for my actions, it does not mean an open invitation to my life again.

I don't know if I can stop that magnetization that seems to draw us together
again and again.

Why would it feel good to see someone who has hurt me beyond belief?

Why do I feel drawn into that web again?

What is wrong with me?

I feel so confused and excited all at once.

((((((exotic))))))

i know you've written before how you feel a sort of almost spiritual connection with this old T. in my faith they talk about both healthy and unhealthy "soul ties". maybe at one time you had a healthy soul tie with this man but it turned unhealthy? i don't know, but i do think you have a soul tie with this guy and from things you've shared previously that he's done it does sound unhealthy. if you google the phrase "soul tie" or you can find lots of info on it but it is coming from a christian perspective so some of it may seem a bit weird to you. some articles will also have prayers you can pray to break these unhealthy connections with others where we feel so drawn to them and just can't seem to disentangle from them even after much effort. (i would have sent this to you in a PM so as not to get all spiritual on the board, but it says you don't accept PMs so i went ahead and posting it.)

Thanks Bloom,

I will have to search for soul ties. The connection used to feel good and comforting, and still does but it also feels very scary because he has hurt me. All I know is when he is visible in my life I feel better, at peace. I have missed him. But I thought after what I did, he would stay a 1000 ft. away from me or at least be more careful with interactions with me. But it seems like the relationship is taking off right at the same place it ended 2 1/2 yrs. ago. (before I fired him). But it feels like it has progressed too quickly in just 2 weeks. Like he is too okay with me. He even knows how I feel, he has read my blog and my posts on this other site. But his interactions with me are well beyond just polite like. It feels good to see him again, but I guess I wasn't expecting such happiness from him to see me.

I am not sure why I feel the way I do, you would think after all he has done, I would have have several layers of protection built around me to protect me from him. (like I do with most people who have hurt me) But this feels different. When he smiles at me I just lose all my anger I have for him. It is weird because nobody else can do that except maybe my kids.

I emailed my T about this, and I will be relieved to see her after her holiday week off. So much to talk about. I know she gets this because she has a soul mate type friend too.

I only accept PM's from friends here, so we if we could be friends, we could Pm each other!

[sunrise]

"History is repeating itself" sounds very passive. I think you and your former T can have some control over what happens and aren't fated to follow the same pattern as before. Since you have communicated with him recently to apologize, is there any way you could communicate with him again to tell him you need to be distant from him and see if he can help with this? If you tell him you may interpret routine pleasantries as "invitations" and are excited by them, maybe he can watch that more closely and give no smiles, no looks, no attention of any kind. He may want there to be no misunderstanding too, so may be willing to be quite helpful in this regard. I think therapists, in fact, often will not acknowledge current or past clients in public if the client wants it that way. Also, isn't there a health club you both belong to that you frequently see him at? Could you change clubs so this doesn't happen? If you feel unable to communicate with him to tell him these things, perhaps you could enlist the aid of your current therapist? If you give a release, your current T could talk to him and pass on this information.