keeping t's image of him not her inside me

I usually see T twice a week. This has created a financial burden but I don't know that I can hold onto the relationship if there is a larger space between our visits. This makes me feel somewhat defective. But I am committed to healing so I continue to suffer the financial consequence and trudge to his office twice a week. Since one of my days is Thursday, this past week I only saw him on Monday because of Thanksgiving. By Thursday I thought to myself: wow I can do this...no big deal. By Friday I thought--HEY I CAN GO TO ONCE A WEEK!

Today I found myself thinking about the attachment and how I will always be more attached to him than he is to me. I pictured me quitting and telling him this as the reason why. The fantasy played out in my mind's eye until I realized that I was making T into my mom. I was re-creating the relationship I had with her--always yearning for her attention--never getting it. But the recreation requires effort, no? I could have called T to make contact but I didn't allow it. NOW I understand what T means when he says that I put myself in certain places. I was so happy when I left him last Monday, so so happy that I could hold onto his presence inside of me and not feel lonely or scared on the ride home. I just wish I could make it last.

I do think the trigger was the holiday celebration; seeing the pain of our childhood on my sibs faces is too much sometimes. I wish they were more peaceful.

Take gentle care all.

((((((((((((((((Miss)))))))))))))))))

You are learning to make it last. You will get there.

And yeah, holidays are triggery, huh? Ack.

Lots of post-holiday hugs to you

I agree with treehouse, you are learning to make it last.
Remember when... you have come so far!!

the part where u say you will always be more attached to him than he u i think is still the ache inside ..i dont think its the reality of what is possible...with time something else begins to happen...the real relationship comes to the forefront and it becomes more about being in an equal partnership working for our common good...

T recently offered something that i'd always dreamt of..something that in my mind would help balanCe the relationship...she seeing how traumatic her absences are..she said she feels she should be proactive and contact me during the breaks....i've always been able to email her, but to me feels as if i'm chasing all the time...her offering that has helped me tremendously....it really helped me see that there are 2 of us working at this togerher...which makes me more able to trust and hold onto her inside more...I'm sorry its a struggle for u to keep up 2xwkly....

MissC You are making some powerful realizations there, thank you for sharing!

Yes, the holidays are very triggering! I feel like this year, being my first Christmas in therapy, I have all these raw emotions that will be at the surface. Good thing I still have 4 sessions before Christmas!

I hope you have a great session with your T!