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#1
Nov 25, 2009, 06:59 PM
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I had a session with ftt today. I have so much going on, so many feelings and so much to talk about that I almost felt paralysed. I needed to talk about deeper things today, but issues with my husband were pushing at me and making me very depressed, to the point ot having sui thoughts. I have been feeling very depressed for the past couple of days and not as able as I was even a few weeks ago to pull myself up out of it. Issues around my husband and how he has been behaving toward me can do this to me.
I talked about him and read a couple of pages from my journal that I had written. It was important for ftt to know what he is like, how I experience the realtionship, how I feel and what goes on with my kids and him. We talked about this for a long time and we even went over, so the session was 1 hr 10 min. I still cannot believe she gives me extra time. She reframed some of his behavior for me, understood what his attitude is (and this took a while to explain) and we talked about where we can go from here and what I can do. What I didnt get a chance to do was delve into how this all feels to me on a deeper lever. And we didnt get to the other childhood deeper stuff, and she acknowledged that we didnt get a chance to talk about that. My next appointment is monday and she said at least its soon. That felt good, she realized we didnt get to what we needed to. I left feeling somewhat better able to go home and work a bit on our relationship, but when I walked in, my H started a big blow up fight with me. I felt hopeless and left the house with the baby. It seemed like nothing was accomplished and all I do is waste time on him. Although it was a necessary session to have so ftt could understand me/know me better, I am still in this dark, hopeless place. After spending all of this time working on my relationship today (without him present), it all seems as depressing as ever. I just want out of my life. How can I work so hard, spent so much time in therapy and still not want to live anymore? I try and try and nothing seems to come of it. Its as if I havent learned anything about tolerating my feelings or how to cope any better than I do. I want to give up distracting myself from feeling this way because after Im done distracting, I feel the same. Thanks for reading.....Im sorry.....Not a good day  I wanted today's session to give me more. Maybe I expected too much. The session was too surfacey, I feel disappointed and even worse
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#2
Nov 25, 2009, 11:57 PM
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I'm sorry that you didn't get all you needed from your session today. Some sessions are like that, especially when you have so much to say about different issues. I remember feeling frustrated and disappointed when I chose to talk about day to day problems, which were necessary to work on, when I also had something major and deeper to discuss. It's hard to decide what to focus on. I know what you mean about it feeling too "surfacey". I used to crave the dramatic sessions--they felt more intimate, even, or especially, when I shared difficult stuff. I wanted the connection with my T more than I wanted to discuss my other issues, so I felt like I was missing something. Do you think that's part of the problem for you?
I think it could also be that you were kind of on a roll, uncovering some major feelings about your past, and experiencing something, like at your d's play. You wanted to continue that, but you didn't. You can go back to it next session, you know. I'm sorry you feel so hopeless about improving your H issues. I don't think it's a waste to have spent the session on it even if it didn't "work" right away. Now ftt understands you and your H better. It may be better, though, for you and your H to see someone together, like you used to with dt. You were considering this male T for couples therapy. Are you going to pursue that? Did you ask ftt if she thought seeing someone else with your T would be productive? If you still feel in that dark, hopeless place, that's what you probably need to discuss next session, or even sooner, in a phone call, if the feelings don't go away. Therapy is hard, and takes time, unfortunately. I hope you feel better tomorrow!  
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 lily99
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#3
Nov 26, 2009, 03:36 AM
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----- Alternative 1 ----- The glass is half empty, you don't want to live, and it means your therapy isn't working.----- Alternative 2 ----- The glass is half full, you don't want to live, it means you're having an upset, and your therapy is working exactly as it should.----------
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| Sannah
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#4
Nov 26, 2009, 04:57 AM
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I'm sorry you aren't feeling better after your session, blue. I am glad, though, that your T seems to be engaged with you and supportive, and aware of what you need and want. The fact that she said at least your next session is soon is great, it says (to me, anyway) that she knows how important this work is to you, and that it's important to her, too. I can relate SO MUCH to what you're going through with your H, I'm afraid I can't be very articulate right now because I'm tired & upset & having a bad time myself, but I just want you to know I understand how you feel. And yes, you're having a bad day, and it's just a day. It doesn't have to be more than than. I keep reminding myself today of something somebody (can't remember who...) said here on PC...it doesn't have to be a crisis unless I make it a crisis. I'm focusing on not making it a crisis, letting it be just another bad day. Had plenty of those.
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#5
Nov 26, 2009, 05:49 AM
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(((((((((((((moon)))))))))))))))
It can be hard to accept that sometimes we leave therapy feeling like we didn't get what we really needed. Sometimes things will sort of "gel" in my head in the days following a session, and I'll realize that a session that kind of felt like a waste was more significant than I thought (this happens a lot), and sometimes, I'll make a note about how I want to handle the next session differently. Something I have learned to do is to check in with myself halfway through session. If we are talking about one thing but I know that I will leave feeling upset, or unfulfilled, or whatever, if we don't talk about a different thing, I will tell T "I really need to talk about X instead", and he follows my lead. I'm glad your next session is coming up so soon. Hang in there, sweet friend!
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| FooZe
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#6
Nov 26, 2009, 07:13 AM
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Ugh. (((((((((((((((Blue Moon))))))))))))))))
Sounds overwhelming. I wish I had some really good advice for you. I know how you're feeling. I have SO been in that place before. And I know how useless and frustrating it feels to try anything, and to hear any advice from anyone who isn't in the same place. So here are some hugs..... , and letting you know you are not alone. Keep going and keep trying....it will be worth it in the end. |
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#7
Nov 26, 2009, 11:27 AM
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When I wrote this post I was so sad from my session. I kept checking for responses....Im so glad you all responded to me. It really meant a lot. I do feel better today, but with H things are the same. It is so hard for me not to see him in terms of black/white, "I hate you dont leave me," but right now Im feeling like I dont even want to talk to him, no less work on the relationship. I am tired of all of this trying, he doesnt try and answers me in a sarcastic way. Ftt said he is "processing" in his way. Sigh....He is either processing or just plain being obnoxious.
That is what makes me feel hopeless and what is the use of all of this? Rainbow- What you said is very helpful to me. I did need something more intimate, a session where I was able to get out some feelings, process feelings (?). I think in a way, I spent the session as an adult, but I need to be young. I dont know, its just a sense I have. I needed some relief from...something.....and I didnt get it. I think I will pursue the male T thing, but I will eventually bring it up with ftt. I am not feeling today as hopeless and dark. We are going to do Thanksgiving with a friend, so I cooked and she cooked and we will pool the food. Should be fun. I wonder what H will do? I didnt ask him yet. FooZe- I am thinking about what you said, that I have the poorest vantage point possible, because I am in the middle of it. That is how I feel, I am having difficulty stepping back and seeing what is going on. Its like tunnel vision, I am angry at H, hurt, disappointed and very, very sad that he doesnt do his part. It would take every cell in my body to work to not believe what I am thinking and feeling from my vantage point. If I dont believe myself, then what do I do? I imagine Id just stand, staring blankly ahead, like a deer in headlights..... Im thinking about the 2 alternatives.....hmmm....the glass half full means I am having an upset and my therapy isnt working as it should...but it can be different? I can try to make it work better next session? Is that what you mean? Zoo- That is what is holding me right now. She is engaged, supportive and knows (and trying to understand) what I need. I have a feeling that she wanted me to go deeper, too and understood that this session was different than the sessions we have had. Im sorry you having a hard time right now and are tired and upset. I do believe that you understand what I am talking about. That is very profound for me, I often dont connect moment to moment. Its as if this moment is forever and this painful day is forever. It doesnt click for me that this is just a day, just a bad day. It feels like forever, that there has never been a good day and there never will be again. Tree- I was thinking at one point in the session if I should change direction. But I really needed to talk about my H and the conversation went exactly where I needed it to go, actually. Although it was surfacey, now that it has "gelled" in my head a little, I had to have this session. Its as if I was left still wanting and needed, but maybe, just maybe, taken with other sessions and the next sessions, now that ftt knows more about my life at home, it will be a vital part of the bigger picture. I am going to say that if I need to, did you do that? Say, I need to talk about X instead? I think I can do that. KT- You cant imagine how much your hugs help and mean to me. I was feeling so alone after I posted, for some reason. I so needed some hugs and reassurance. I know you have been there and understand. Later in the evening, my computer wouldnt pick up a wireless signal and my kids were on the other computers in the house. I wanted to hide under my pillows without being able to get online. Maybe this is an addiciton? I care so much about everyone here and need the support I get back. I am embarrassed to say that 
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#8
Nov 26, 2009, 11:38 AM
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BlueMoon:
I know what you mean. When the site wasn't working a couple of weeks ago, I felt lost! It's okay; we're all in this together! 
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#9
Nov 26, 2009, 12:11 PM
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How is everything? Hows the baby?
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#10
Nov 26, 2009, 01:13 PM
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what is an ftt ? hope your feeling some better now .
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#11
Nov 26, 2009, 02:06 PM
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Hi Moon, I can understand how the situation with your H could lead you to feel hopeless and defeated. This will definitely need more work with your T. You have accomplished so much in such a short time already on many issues. You have very high expectations for accomplishment. This is great! One of the first things that is required before great accomplishments are realized is great expectations. I am sorry that you are in the middle of it now and it feels so awful.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#13
Nov 26, 2009, 06:07 PM
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Ooh, that was interesting how I wrote one thing and you read another:
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Guy with violin case: Excuse me, how do I get to Carnegie Hall? |
| rainbow8
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#14
Nov 26, 2009, 08:53 PM
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Sannah- Maybe that is it. I have high expectations. I expect to talk about my husband and then get to inner work. I had to choose, the things with my H was really pushing at me, I had to go there, and, if I think about it, I knew this could happen. That the husbadn stuff was very day-to-day and I would still feel triggery from my week.
FooZe- Ohhhhh!!!!!! I did read something else, and now I am reading it differently. That my therapy IS working as it should because I am having this upset and am in a place where I feel like I dont want to live. I have hit some kind of wall. Is that what you mean? I think its true. Actually, I did talk to ftt about other things that I completely forgot that we went into. Quite a bit about my relationship with money. I have never gone there in therapy. And my realtionship with God and religion. I have quite a love/hate relationship with both. So...I practice not seeing my husband from my vantage point...then Carnegie Hall?  I dont want to spend a lot of time monday with ftt on my H, but I have a story and I guess I have to tell her this. We were at Thanksgiving dinner at a friends house, it was fun, we all cooked, pooled our food, there were other guests, very interesting people, good conversation, the teens were together, the little kids were having their fun and my husband was engrossed in heady conversation and enjoying himself. I thought if he was going to be in a bad mood, it could be a disaster. But it went really well. We were going around the table, each one talking about what we were thankful for and my husband went on about ME! I almost fell off my chair! How grateful he is to be married to me for 16 years, how wonderful I am (  ), what a great parnter etc. After 2 days of posting on PC how I cant stand him! I feel like the biggest heel. I guess it doesnt discount how I am feeling about certain aspects of the marriage, but after this, it would be difficult to not feel appreciated. Well, even if he wait until Thanksgiving at a table with 35 people to tell me loves me, at least I know it. We always seem to mis-communicate. My favorite movie is Gone With The Wind  . The relationship between my husband and I reminds me somewhat of Scarlett and Rhett when they keep missing each other and never get the opportunity to tell each other how they feel. (I love old movies ) With my H and I, we have such a busy house, and there is so little time for just "us." There is so much to work on and I still think we need couples, badly. I see in how I have been feeling about him in the last week that it is from MY vantage point. That it is frequently my inablility to see the overall picture, maybe its a borderline thing, maybe, I dont know, but each moment seems to be its own reality, if that makes any sense. Today's negative feeling about my H is not connected to yesterday's positive feeling. Its as if there was no yesterday or postive feeling. My3sns- It means Flat Tire Therapist  follow FooZe's link for an in-depth explanation Thanks for posting that link to my FTT explanation. Im glad you posted it because I am still learning.... 
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#15
Nov 26, 2009, 11:58 PM
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I notice you're practicing already. Good on ya! Quote:
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#16
Nov 27, 2009, 12:08 PM
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About your husband, your vantage point is very important and you will be able to see more of the overall picture as you keep working with T. I think that this is related to that space/trapped issue. When we are not healed we have a small vantage point and it traps us like crazy. As we examine our situation, learn, and understand ourselves and how and where we fit, and how others affect us, we expand our vantage point and we gain so much space. Being trapped becomes a thing from the past.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| darkrunner, FooZe
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#17
Nov 27, 2009, 01:22 PM
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(((((((((((((((BlueMoon)))))))))))))))))
I love what your husband said about you. I'm glad he appreciates you, and that he was able to verbalize that - in front of a whole bunch of other people too! How wonderful.  Gone with the Wind is my favorite movie too! Is it SO sad how Scarlet and Rhett keep missing each other. But is sounds like you and H have more awareness than those silly people.
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#18
Nov 27, 2009, 03:50 PM
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He's in a good mood today, which means Im in a good mood. And THATS the problem...his mood.....results in my mood.... 
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#19
Nov 27, 2009, 04:47 PM
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) pointed out to me. In therapy I am learning, slowly, where I fit with him, how he affects me and what he brings up for me. Im working on that, but I do see how that gives me space to be who I am, as opposed to being trapped in childhood feelings.
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#20
Nov 27, 2009, 04:54 PM
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I keep losing my wireless internet connection and losing my posts! YIPES! He can be a good guy...after Im trashing him here for the last couple of days...  Oh, KT! I sometimes think we share a brain....  Since I was young that movie plays over in my head. Isnt it sad that they just cant seem to get it together? They love each other so! LOL! I want to stop the movie, insert a couples therapist, and then let the movie play out. They could even have another child! OK- enough from me......I hope we have more awareness.....sometimes I wonder about H, I have called him Rhett.....LOL! Even though he looks like Al Pacino (well, when he was young...my H and Al)
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#21
Nov 27, 2009, 05:33 PM
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 I'm not sure a couples therapist would help them.....they are both SO stubborn. But isn't that part of the interest and intrique in them? If they got along perfectly, it might be kind of a boring movie.
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#22
Nov 27, 2009, 05:58 PM
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| BlueMoon6
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#23
Nov 28, 2009, 05:23 PM
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I dont know if its appropriate to post here, but I had a couple of miscarriages (not so recently), one I had to bury, and like Scarlett and Rhett, we had different reactions to the loss. It would have been a good idea to have been in couples therapy at that time. I think it was just his way to process silently, while all I did was cry. Maybe the key here to our relationship, and I guess with any, is understanding and acceptance, not necessarily that one person should act like or do as the other person would. |
| FooZe
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#24
Nov 29, 2009, 07:30 AM
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My H and I just had a conversation the other day in which a lightbulb went off in my head. I was complaining about how hard things were now that I am working full-time. This made him upset and angry, and I didn't understand how it turned into an argument. When we finally got to the bottom of it, he interpreted my complaining as a prelude to action (because he is a man and is action-oriented) - meaning, he thought I was about to quit my job (which would hurt us financially of course). But my intent was to vent a little and get some empathy from him. I have no intention of quitting! He felt he had to do something to solve the problem, and I was just trying to connect on a mutual level of struggle. ok, not sure what the heck my point is here. And now I am getting the feeling that I am hijackig your thread?? Sorry. And sorry for my rambling. (((((((Blue Moon)))))))) |
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#25
Nov 29, 2009, 10:18 AM
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KT- My husband is the same way, if I complain or talk about a difficulty with something, his reaction is to do something about it or he assumes I am doing something about it- like you with the job conversation. He doesnt understand why I would need to vent, he has even said, well, if there isnt anything you caqn do about it, why are you talking about it! When I tell him that I just need to talk about it and get out my feelings, he seems puzzled and says, Oh, OK. LOL!
But for sure, not all men are wired this way. I have known some who are not at all. FooZe, c'mon, some feedback here! About pointing it out to myself that I am seeing my H from my vantage point. He surprises me, sometimes I wonder if my vantage point matters at all. It seems not to. I can get it SO wrong. He has been very lovey dovey lately, sending me lovely emails and e-cards I never would have suspected that he felt that way from the way he had been behaving the week before. He was stressed? It wasnt about me? It had nothing to do with me? My vantage point...again....a very wrong vantage point
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