Unusual request

I have been debating over whether or not to post this for a couple of days now but am hopeful someone may have a bit of advice or wisdom they could send my way.

I am diagnosed with schizophrenia and hear voices that others cannot. I saw my doc a few days ago and he said at my next session he would like me to talk to the voices in front of him if I thought I was comfortable enough to do so. He said it may help him better understand the exchange I have with them.

I have never had a doc ask me to do that. They’ve asked things like, “When the voices speak what do they say…” But that was as deep as it had ever gone. I’m wondering if this is a fairly normal request as I don’t quite know what to think of it. I’m sort of bordering on a good deal of discomfort with it. I know people have watched me talk to them before but in those cases I was in hospital or having a bit of a meltdown at home and that is not the same.

Also when I talk to them my mannerisms and dialect change. So much so that this led to a diagnosis of DID at one time. This particular doctor so far has only had brief indications of such a change. I suppose I sort of feel as if I’m being asked to “perform on cue” though I don’t actually flip a switch to do it. It just sort of happens when I’m in the space of talking to them. There is a specific part of me that interacts with them, a mask that I wear, and it comes out automatically.

In a way it does make some sense to me. After all, he cannot begin to understand my relationship to the voices if he cannot hear the exchange. I still find it creepy and am uncomfortable with it nonetheless.

So I suppose I have two issues with this. The first being my discomfort with talking to voices in front of him and finding that request unsettling and the other sharing that alternate side of myself with him.

On the one hand this is an issue of a human being and is important as such. On the other hand I cannot help my desire to go “Christ” or “prophet” a bit and know there are far greater things than this…and this therapy.

“…for the former things are passed away.” Revelation 21:4

This is the space I am in. I am…here.

hi mick. maybe you could talk to your T about your discomfort with his request. that might help you to decide if you want to let him see you talking. it's ok to say no to his request though.

I haven't ever heard voices, so it is hard to know what to say to you. I think you mainly need to discuss your discomfort with this idea with your t. That would be a start I guess. I hope you find an answer that will be beneficial to you.

farmergirl and bloom,

Thank you. I think discussing my discomfort is a good starting off point for my next session. I appreciate your imput. Thanks so much.

Hi MickG- I agree with the other posters. Can you explain specifically as you did in your post how you feel about "performing" and talking to them in front of him?

Maybe your therapist can help you with those fears by explaining why he thought it would be helpful to you to do so with him there.

As far as "performing"...I feel like a bloody seal! Doing it on command...creepy! Perhaps it would be best to try and understand first why I should do this. Then we can get to "doing it"...

Thanks so much...

Hi Mick, this may be a bit off topic but (speaking of voices) I was wondering if you'd come across an article that spiritual_emergency reposted a few months ago: Schizophrenia and Psychosis > I talk back to the voices in my head... (6/19/09)

Fool Zero thanks so much for the link. I did read the article and visited the Rufus May site and watched a video there as well. His work is very interesting. I do engage the voices regularly and I fear I may have driven them a bit mad. Engaging them has worked for me though I suppose my discomfort comes more from having others watch me while talking to them.

The voices are calmer these days but I also believe I can speak with loved ones who passed so in addition to engaging the voices being helpful I also believe my loved ones may be providing a bit of interference to assist me with those things that are not so nice.

I believe you fell across my online meanderings a few years back before the whitecoats came and took me away for a bit. Anyway, I had a sort of persona I wore for the public back then. That persona is who talks to the voices and I have a running banter with some of them. Much like a shaman puts on a mask for certain work I automatically put on this persona to journey to the space where I engage the noise of the world. I am uncomfortable with the doc seeing me like this but I suppose as there are shaman who do not do their “magic” in sight of other people but only go through the motions for public events, I could keep a bit of a distance between the voices and my doctor by engaging them in my head and relaying the exchange to him. This way I wouldn’t have to become that persona in front of him. I would sort of split into two people, the one who talks to the voices in my head and the person relaying the information.

I am still trying to find my place in therapy and am not certain what I want my doctor to help me with. Medications have not helped and I believe I will always hear voices and I sometimes think because I am managing perhaps his skills are best put to use helping someone else. This sort of life is a heavy one though and perhaps the best part of therapy is in knowing that I am heard.

Thanks again.

hey mick,
i don't have schizophrenia myself but i do hallucinate when i get incredibly tired or stressed. both my current therapist & psychiatrist have wanted to know what the voices say, and how i respond. usually my voices don't address me (they talk to eachother) but on the rare occassion where they have spoken to me i've asked them to go away and they have been pretty good about it.
i too would feel uncomfortable having to 'perform' in the way your T asked, but i think your T knows you might be uncomfortable about it because he asked you to think about it & only do it if you're uncomfortable. i personally would feel too self conscious to repeat how they were talking & how i responded, but i feel ok just telling my docs in the way i've just shared with you.

I agree with others that the best thing to do in response to your doctor's request is to tell him you are not comfortable with it. He gave you that option, so take advantage of it.

Also, I suspect that if you try to do as he requests, the "performing on demand" will not be the same as what ordinarily happens spontaneously. That is likely to lead him to misunderstanding you more than understanding you.

This shows a lot of wisdom. It sounds like you are high functioning and able to figure out strategies for managing your condition and implement them on your own. Still, as you say, your life is a heavy one to deal with. It sounds to me like therapy could be helpful to you by being a place that is supportive (according to your perception of supportive -- for example, knowing that you are heard, as you have said -- which may not necessarily be the same as the therapist's), accepting of you as a whole person, and understanding of the burden you are living with. But the therapist needs to accept this goal and be able to behave accordingly.

Also (and perhaps this is bringing in my own personal concerns too much), I can't help but wonder if perhaps this therapist is too focused on treating you as an "object" to understand and not enough on respecting your boundaries as another human being. But doing as we all advise might in fact help him see where your boundaries are and help him respect them/you more.

hi,
i dont have schizophrenia so i dont hear voices -i think what your therapist ia trying to do is get to know the voices so he can understand how they efect you- you react to what they say so he needs to understand who they are.

its perfectly normal to fel uncomfortable with this request-and i agree with the other posts - you should discuss this with the therapist.

sue

Thank each and every one of you for your responses. I appreciate them far more than you know.

deliquesce, thanks for noting how you would share your experience with your docs. It would make one self conscious wouldn’t it.

wonderingmary, I think I will take advantage of the option I have been given. I can see how the experience would not be the same as if left alone to do it. I do have the ability to sort of fall within myself and shut out the outside world however when I have done that sort of thing in front of people I end up in hospital.

I’m thinking perhaps I also need to revisit the goals of therapy so my doc and I are going in the same direction. Perhaps this is something that has to be done regularly so as to not veer too far off course.

dyas, I understand his interest in what they say and I can even understand his interest in how I react to them but I do agree with you and will bring up my discomfort to him.

Perhaps I needed your thoughts to help me find my place in this therapeutic relationship. When I mentioned the shaman I did so because I can relate to that space of having a room I go to and closing the doors and no one can see what goes on inside. I think even in therapy one has to have that room. The trick is in knowing where the room ends and when to close the door. I’m trying and I’m learning.

Thanks again so much for your responses.