[Melbadaze]

I know most of us never look at our T's. I think we all come at that from different areas.

For the first time today I felt myself hurt...I see how normally I act out my hurt....today I sat feeling it and told T that I wanted to stop now and go home and be in a corner alone and deal with how I was feeling..

T said like the small baby in the cot that never told anyone she had woken up?

Then some silence...I was battling with myself over doing this different this time...talk about it...T asked me if it felt to risky to talk about it?

All this done with my eyes averted from T...I am very aware how I see T's feet and when I do I very strongly experience her as being my adoptive mother...accept today I managed to say how I dont trust she (T) won;t react just like my adoptive mother.

T said, "Yes and I think no matter how I react differently, this comes up time and time again"..when she said that I begun to "come back down" and think about how different she is and what she does do for me like offer to email me during breaks and other stuff...so I said, but it just feels so strong, you and her become 1...T said "yes and I think the silences make that worse and I think when your in that very young state you don't look at me either because it reminds you of when you were adopted and it was the wrong face so if you dont look you won't have to experience the "shock" of it being the wrong face and along with that if you don,t look at me you then experience me as your sadistic adoptive mother"...

I nodded slowly yes....I said I feel like this film I watched one where a guy wakes up to find his galfriend dead and your led to believe someone else from outside has done it accept it really was his alta ego...thats how I felt at that moment, I saw how i bring the memorys of my past into the room...so obvious I know...but I'm talking about getting this on an emotional level...i was feeling it and gradually my head begun to lift and look at T and she said its in the talking about it, puttiung words to it and picking at it is where the healing will come...

phew, i feel good about todays session...after nearly 6yrs of not looking at T she finally found the right time to bring it into the room...i've been dreading her mentioning it...but today was llike the perfect storm...everything came together to be talked about...words certainly are healing..

[chaotic13]

Mel, very interesting that you posted this. For the longest time in my therapy I kind of refused to see my T as someone who might actually care. I often assumed that she would not be interested in hearing my thoughts on things, that she did need or even want to really know my past, that she was just a paid professional going thru some pre-made treatment protocol, that she was just a passing stranger. My T and I have never talked about this...but as I look back, my whole first year of therapy was about getting me to see that these assumptions I had of her were not accurate. For some reason it was a lot easier for me to see her as some uncaring, distant, object instead of a real, breathing, caring person.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Mel, very interesting that you posted this. For the longest time in my therapy I kind of refused to see my T as someone who might actually care. I often assumed that she would not be interested in hearing my thoughts on things, that she did need or even want to really know my past, that she was just a paid professional going thru some pre-made treatment protocol, that she was just a passing stranger. My T and I have never talked about this...but as I look back, my whole first year of therapy was about getting me to see that these assumptions I had of her were not accurate. For some reason it was a lot easier for me to see her as some uncaring, distant, object instead of a real, breathing, caring person.

Yes! I struggle with this SO much! I can't imagine my T REALLY caring about me or what my life will turn out to be--i am just someone who pays her a steady paycheck. It is really really hard for me to believe anything different.

[chaotic13]

Mel's comment about wanting to stop the session and go hide somewhere to deal with the emotions and then her T relating it to a child, made me think a lot about my behavior. I think I often imagine that I am alone and have no one around me who will understand me so I don't share thoughts. When in reality NOW I DO have people who understand, who care, and who want to know my thoughts. I think sometimes I make this assumption because its too hard/painful etc to share my feelings because then I would actually FEEL and have to deal with them. Maybe its just easier to say, "forget it, no one cares anyway."

[Melbadaze]

i think its that these wounds are at our core ....none of our attempts to defend against further hurt are conscious...its only today that I felt that some of my unconscious templates became more conscious ....

[Melbadaze]

something else today also...we were talking about something that I know I need to mourn badly but I said ... I know I need to mourn this, but as painful as it is, i feel also that I dont want to loose this particular thing and I don't understand why? T said because this wound is so much at the core of you that your entire being is built on it and you feel if that goes then whats left? yes and yes, thats it exactly, I feel if I grief and mourn and work through this issue then I'd be like the hole in the doughnut...perhaps this is also part of an unconscious desire to remain stuck becuase recovery feels like I will disappear...talking about this today though has given me some peace in this respect...

sorry bout spelling and graphics i'm typing on the smallest lap top known to man lol

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Mel's comment about wanting to stop the session and go hide somewhere to deal with the emotions and then her T relating it to a child, made me think a lot about my behavior. I think I often imagine that I am alone and have no one around me who will understand me so I don't share thoughts. When in reality NOW I DO have people who understand, who care, and who want to know my thoughts. I think sometimes I make this assumption because its too hard/painful etc to share my feelings because then I would actually FEEL and have to deal with them. Maybe its just easier to say, "forget it, no one cares anyway."

YEP. I told T yesterday that the past week i have been all over the map emotionally. In the middle of one exercise class, I got SO sad about my roommate leaving next year...in another exercise class, I felt like I was going through the emotions and just wanted to sit down and cry! Other days I wanted to rip out people's throats over the littlest things..other days I didn't want to get out of bed. Other times I was dancing in my room.

She goes "it sounds like you are starting to let things in, and its sort of just floating around in there, aimlessly."



Which makes me worried that it will only get worse.

I applaud your epiphany. May your continue. Good luck.