[del12]

Wow it has been awhile since I have visited this site. No reason just haven't. Today I was thinking I need some support from those who can relate and maybe help me feel more secure when I see my T.
My mother has been diagnosed with cancer and it is not treatable. She has turned down treatment and feels she has lived her life and doesn't want to fight it anymore. She is in her late 80's and I can understand why she has made that decision. She has been slipping away mentally and physically for the last couple of years and she is very depressed. Now my issue is that I worry what my T will think of me. WHen we discussed it initially I cried the whole session and I said I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle this. She said that is normal and that whatever my thoughts are I need to honor those thoughts. That they are mine and I need to be careful not to stuff them and tell myself I shouldn't feel as I do. I hate those thoughts and I think they are so wrong. Like that I hope she doesn't suffer and that she goes quickly. I feel like a terrible person that I think that way and I am scared to tell my T. I know my T wwill be supportive but I am worried that she will think I am a terrible person. I have never gone through anything like this and I love my mom and I don't want her togo. How can I find the guts to be honest with my T about how I feel?

[Yoda]

What you say makes sense. You are having conflicting thoughts and feelings during a difficult time. Hugs to you and your mother.

It is quite normal and loving to hope a loved one goes quickly without much suffering. At the same time we hate to say good-bye and actually start mourning even before they leave us. Sure they are conflicting feelings. That's okay. They are very normal feelings.

My sister is now fighting her 4th bout of cancer. She needs a bone marrow transplant. I deal every day with the same feelings you do and my sister is only 52. I hope for her survival and at the same time I am already preparing to say good-bye. Even with a transplant, her survival rate won't be that many more years.

You need to understand that what you are going through is understandable and NORMAL. It's okay. Just talk to your t and share whatever you are feeling. And yes, that will change from day to day. No need to fear talking to anyone, especially your t about this. Many people have gone through the same experience and same feelings.

[WePow]

(((( del12))) very sorry that you are having this pain and about your mom. That must be very hard on you. Bless your heart.

With T, it takes a lot of trust to open up. Hard to do - I know. But it helps if you consider it like any real investment. You spend valuable time and money going to see a T. So would you take a car into the shop and not tell them exactly what noise it is making?

When I look at it like that, I am able to be more open with T.

After watching my dad die of colon cancer, I can I say I wished he would have went fast because he did suffer.

People don't let their pets suffer when they are terminally sick ...and I really wished I knew why it seems okay to let people suffer. My dad had an IV with meds for pain and he was still in intense pain the last two days. It just doesn't seem right.

I do like what you T says about feeling what you feel and allowing yourself to be okay with that. I am sure you have conflicting feelings that will change everyday going through all of this. Be gentle with youself.

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by del12

W Like that I hope she doesn't suffer and that she goes quickly. I feel like a terrible person that I think that way and I am scared to tell my T. I know my T wwill be supportive but I am worried that she will think I am a terrible person. I have never gone through anything like this and I love my mom and I don't want her togo. How can I find the guts to be honest with my T about how I feel?

You are NOT a horrible person for thinking something like that. It means you're a compassionate person who doesn't want someone you love to suffer.

You may get more support also posting something along this line in Grief & Loss, not because you've lost her but because you ARE grieving. And you're entitled to your feelings and emotions, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Your T will NOT think you're horrible, I hope she's able to help you through this process. We all need support to deal with things, especially really hard topics like this. Please talk to her about this, you deserve the support.

I'm sorry about your mother.

[poisonivy81]

" In the quiet moments when the hurt is hard to bear
May love become your shelter
And may the beauty of precious memories be your comfort"
Welcome back and lean on us. We will not judge

[Melbadaze]

Del, you sound like a humanbeing struggling with human feelings. I understand your mothers wishes complettly and understand how that effects you.

[bluesylady]

Hi Del, I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's illness. I think it's the most normal thing to not want someone you love suffer. Also as you see her suffer you are also suffering. You're human and this is a very difficult thing for anyone to go through. I'm sure your t understands completly and won't judge you and I think sharing this feeling with your t will be so healing for you. I hope you find comfort and peace in the support of those who love and care about you and your mom at this difficult time.

Be well and take care,
bl

[purple_fins]

I believe that how you think and feel is very UNselfish... and for that you should be proud of yourself, not feel bad about yourself. You are putting your mother's needs and wants ahead of your own.

You could have said-- "I don't care if she suffers, as long as she is still here with me for as long as possible, until I AM ready to let her go". -- You see?? how thinking this way is awful and thinking the way you do is loving and compassionate and so unselfish.

its a difficult time and confusing-- please be kind to yourself

fins

[sunrise]

del, everything you wrote makes sense to me too. Your T will understand. It's such a hard time when our parents are ill and dying--so many feelings. My parents are there now too, and I have been talking about it in therapy for the last few months. It's been really helpful. My T is very understanding and has helped many clients who are going through a similar time of life.

[wonderingmary]

Originally Posted by del12

When we discussed it initially I cried the whole session and I said I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle this.

Feeling scared you won't be able to handle a situation like this is very normal, especially the first time you are confronted with such a situation. Crying is also normal, and healthy.

Originally Posted by del12

I hate those thoughts and I think they are so wrong. Like that I hope she doesn't suffer and that she goes quickly.

I agree with others that these thoughts are compassionate. They are also honoring and respecting you mother's wishes, which is important. Have you looked into hospice care yet? That sounds like what your mother and family need. Hospice isn't a place, but the idea of making the end of life as comfortable and peaceful as possible. Sometimes it involves being in a special facility, but sometimes the patient can stay at home, and the hospice team assists in whatever ways are needed.

Originally Posted by del12

I have never gone through anything like this and I love my mom and I don't want her togo. How can I find the guts to be honest with my T about how I feel?

Death of a loved one is always difficult, and the first one is even more difficult. It is your choice whether or not to talk more to your therapist about this. It is not obligatory. Whatever helps you get through this difficult time is what is best for you. Talking with other family members and your mother's friends could be helpful, possibly even more helpful than talking with a therapist, since they know your mother and this is a shared experience.

[del12]

Thank you all so much for all your supportive and caring words. I forgot how nuturing this place is. You are all so wonderful!

I'm so glad you came back to read them. This is a hard time for you. Lean on PC as much as you need.