I got put on a time out

mixedup_emotions · Jan 29, 2010, 11:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa

((tree)) and ((mue)) I don't know what it's like for you guys, having a T that cares and is committed to being there with you throughout the process, but for me it's so hard to trust that. Every time she says something like that, I trust her a little more. And every time she picks up the phone when I call, or returns my call, or is just there in her office waiting for me, week after week, I trust a little more.

It IS scary, MUE. I've never had that in my life. But it is wonderful, too. I can see how just that part of therapy, just the relationship itself, can be such an important part of the healing. I keep expecting my T to treat me the way my mother would have and every time she doesn't do that, another part of me realizes that I never deserved to be treated like that in the first place.

And when T can still look at me and talk to me and treat me the same, even knowing about my trauma, even knowing details that nobody else has ever known, it takes away some of the shame and lightens that load just a little bit more.

Oh it is INCREDIBLY hard for me to trust....even T. Even when he says things that help me feel cared for, I still find a way to discount it - and feel as though I'm just yet another client who just keeps his bills paid and couldn't care less about me except for the 45 minutes he's paid to do so.

And I can totally relate to T looking at me and talking to me, knowing about some of the traumas. I don't think I've shared enough to feel relief from the shame, embarrassment, disgust - and then there's that dang voice inside me again saying things like, "wow, he's really good at hiding his disgust of me"...or, "he's a T, he's used to this kind of stuff. But people IRL would react differently and would think ill of me if they knew"....

BlueMoon6 · Jan 29, 2010, 11:58 PM

(((Zoo))) I am so glad she said the things she did. I agree, she sounds so awesome. And she sounds like she cares about you so very very much.

I also have a hard time trusting that, too. I wonder if at any minute I will be disappointed or dropped or the way my T *really* feels will show. Like MUE said, she is really good at hiding her disgust for me. UGH! And I so understand how you trust her little by little, as she picks up the phone, calls you back and shows you she cares over time. I think my trust is built with Ts and other people over time, too.

I guess you will move forward from here. Have a safe and gentle evening

Jan 30, 2010, 07:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zooropa

I don't know what it's like for you guys, having a T that cares and is committed to being there with you throughout the process, but for me it's so hard to trust that. Every time she says something like that, I trust her a little more. And every time she picks up the phone when I call, or returns my call, or is just there in her office waiting for me, week after week, I trust a little more.

It IS scary, MUE. I've never had that in my life. But it is wonderful, too.

(((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))) It took me two years to trust T, and I think it was because it was so scary to allow someone to take care of me...I was sure that he would figure out that I didn't "deserve" it and that it would just end...so I was always trying to end it first.

I think I've moved beyond that, and it does feel really healing to be in this relationship. Like you said, zoo, every time he treats me with care and kindness, a little part of me learns that maybe I DO deserve it.

I still get flashes of "OMG, I don't deserve this" but I try to believe, after all of this time of being SO consistent, that it's really real, and it's not going away.

I hope you have a peaceful, knitting-filled weekend, zoo

zooropa · Jan 30, 2010, 01:53 PM

I just want to thank you all, again, for your support and friendship. It means so much to me and has helped me through this little crisis SO MUCH. I don't feel like I've been able to give very much in terms of support around here this week and I feel bad about that but you guys know how it is. I appreciate your words of encouragement and most of all just knowing that there are other people out there with the same thoughts and feelings that I'm having, it helps.

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I got put on a time out

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