[googley]

I saw my T today. We are recovering from a rupture. I seem to be repeating the same thing that happened with my parents. I spent all weekend in so much pain. I realized that I felt that she had to be mad at me because I was mad at her. That if she was mad at me then I could trust her. If she was nice I couldn't trust her. I know how to deal with people being angry with me. I don't know how to trust people being nice. I told her that I wanted her to be mad at me. It would make me feel safer. She asked me if she would have to be mean to me also. I said yes. I'm so embarrassed because I know logically that I'm not there to repeat the unhealthy patterns I grew up with. But emotionally I want it to be something I am used to and know how to handle. We also did crisis planning that will help. We are going to talk about this more next week. I feel like she left with a lot to think about. I just don't want her to think I'm too screwed up. I didn't want to leave her office tonight and usually I don't have this strong reluctant feeling. I just wanted to be somewhere I felt safe. It feels good to have Ts office feel safe.

[zooropa]

I'm glad you and T are repairing after a rupture, and I'm glad you felt safe there, googley. That's so important. You ARE safe there.

I can relate to the fears of being too screwed up for T, but I doubt that's the case. My T spent a lot of time in the beginning telling me I'm not as screwed up as I think I am.
These people (Ts) see so much in their careers, I don't think a lot surprises them.

[Melbadaze]

Yes I,ve had the same experience with T, wanting her to be angry at me because thats familiar. If that dynamic was to be reacreated with T then all I'd be doing is repeating the past, but because T doesn't "react" to my unconscious attempts to create the familiar, I am able to experience what it actually felt like back then when the anger was being tossed around and sometimes thats hard to sit with and I find myself trying even harder to enrage T, to get her to react, better than being left with the reality of what it felt like to be involved in such volatile environment as a child. Better than having to feel my own anger instead of sitting back and watching someone Else's anger, if that makes sense?

[Sannah]

Very good work Googley in being honest and telling your T what is going on! This is the only way that you are going to be able to work past this!!

Melba, would a great explanation!