My life is sucking really bad right now. My T usually asks me at the beginning of the session coming through the door how I am. Normal I say I am fine, and she responds, really? Well I am NOT fine today!

My jerk of a husband thought it would be a nice fine gift to get me a spider necklace for my birthday. My kids knew about it and thought it would be funny but they don't know my history of abuse that had to do with spiders. My husband does though. So here I am waiting for my "late" present coming from ebay, thinking it must be a really neat gift, then I open one of my biggest triggers ever.

I told my husband that his has to be the meanest gift ever to give me or I guess the meanest would be a picture of my mom in a locket or something like that. He said he "forgot" and didn't realize it. Well I asked him what women does he know would actually like receiving a dead real spider necklace? Even if he forgot the abuse, he knows I have a huge phobia of spiders. I hate him right now. My marriage has not been great for a long time now, but I never thought he would do something like this. What a creep.

So what do I do in therapy today? Put all my hot issues in a bag and let her draw out a topic to start today's session? I have a concert and a solo coming up next week which I know we should work on in therapy today plus the issue with my old T. I just feel like all the crap in my life is piling up on top of my chest and I can't breathe. I just need some relief because I don't think I can go on like this.

[jexa]

Ughhh how rude! I'm sorry H sucks the big one right now, exotic.

[Mike_J]

For starters always wanted to comment on this, Love the dog in your signature, looks a bit Newfoundland-ish.

A spider necklace WOW.. sounds like he thought it would be funny, but as strange as my humor is I would never do something like that.

And in therapy I would just dump everything out then try to sort through it, I always hate when I have several things I want to talk about and we run out of time before I get to mention them all. Now when I have a lot of "stuff" I just rappidly go through it all without giving her time to comment. Then we can start going through it, but at least I get everything out even if we don't have time to discuss it all.

Thanks Jexa,

I even tried to exercise today and I couldn't more than 10min without crying. I just feel like I am going to explode, like I am losing my mind. I just want to hide away, people just suck. I think my life should be a hermit on a island, just to keep the nasty people away from me.

Thanks Mike,

My dog is a Newfie

I think I am going to take a BIG DUMP in therapy today, maybe even literally once I get started. lol Now T, help me fix my *****! I have been constipated way too long.

I gave my T a little "heads up" email this morning. Oh, yeah T, welcome back. I see her in 1 1/2 hours. If you hear an explosion, don't worry, it is ME just so you know.

[zooropa]

god, exotic, that necklace sounds HORRIBLE. Ugh. I'm so sorry.
You are right, even if somehow your H "forgot" (???) about your history, not many women would like a dead real spider necklace. That's something you get for someone who likes that kind of thing specifically. Jerkface!!

I hope you do take a big dump (but not literally, eww) in T and it helps.

[googley]

Exotic,
I'm so sorry your H thought that would be a good gift. Has he done other things like this, not being sensitive to your needs? I hope that you are able to vent all your anger and frustration and pain to your T. It sounds good that you emailed your T so she knows you have hot issues besides just the upcoming concert (which I'm sure you will do great at). Take care of yourself.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((( exotic )))))))))))))))))
wow I'm sorry your H did that.
hey can you possibly look at the fact that it is DEAD and can't hurt you (sort of like, well that's one down)?
Bleah, I wish he had never done it.

Originally Posted by Mike_J [I

I would just dump everything out then try to sort through it, I always hate when I have several things I want to talk about and we run out of time before I get to mention them all. Now when I have a lot of "stuff" I just rappidly go through it all without giving her time to comment. Then we can start going through it, but at least I get everything out even if we don't have time to discuss it all[/I].

Mike thanks for your suggestion. For me there is NEVER enough time, this will help me out a lot.

[Sannah]

Sorry that that happened to you EF...........

[WePow]

WOW! I hope it went ok today in session! SOOO glad you did get to see your T today!

I went to my session today and I was in tears all the way there. It is amazing how hard I try to hide that sometimes, but my T could tell. In hind site what my husband did triggered me badly, more than I realized. We did EMDR on the overwhelmed feeling, so many things going on to contribute that. But it went to that one horrible memory from the past of my mom and what she did. After EMDR my T told me that I was shaking and I couldn't sit still and had my face covered when I was talking about what happened to me. I totally went there again during the EMDR. She spent a long time bringing me down from that memory. When I finally looked up I saw T with tears in her eyes. I am feeling really exhausted now and I think I will take a nap. My husband attacked me in a sense in my safe place (my home).

Please don't read anymore if you are sensitive to animal abuse or child abuse.

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I don't know what is up with my DH because he is truly being mean lately. Normally he isn't mean. But he joked around with my daughter that someone should smack her terminal guinea pig with a hammer. I am rather shocked he said that. Then he buys this necklace. I think he needs therapy because this is not like him.

The memory that we focused on today....

My mom used to pull the legs of daddy long legs and laugh at them trying to walk. She told me that she would do that to me if I didn't behave. I tried to save them, I put them in a box and hid with them in a basement window thing outside. I didn't know how old I was but I must have been young enough to think I was actually hiding.
This makes me feel so sad.

I also told T that I got mad at her last week for being gone because I needed her. She said she "abandoned" me and it makes sense I would be mad. But she said I realized it wasn't something she really did, and instead of acting out by sending her a nasty email, I accepted my feelings and tried to deal with them rationally. So I guess I really did take a dump today. lol

[WePow]

(((((((( exotic ))))))))))))) wow... you have a heart of gold. Trying to save the little spiders! It is so wonderful that you were able to confront this with T in session and process the memory with T.... how brave you really are. That is just pathetic of a parent to say such wretched things to a child. Hugs big time for your little inner child who had that said to her. How wrong that was.

Big big safe hugs to you!!!

[zooropa]

oh exotic. So much love for you. Thank you for sharing that memory with us, I know how hard it must have been. I am so sad for you, especially that little girl watching her mother behave like that and being so scared.

weird, daddy long legs are triggering for me too but I do not know why. Something I haven't remembered yet or will never remember maybe, but they are always triggering for me.

You did SUCH a good job in T today! I'm really glad you told your T how you felt about her being gone, and that she was able to show you how you skillfully dealt with the situation and your feelings about it. Good for you for taking that dump, lolol!!!

[amante]

So how did therapy go with that dump..... I hope H is doing some major sucking up. so not cool what he did to you with the spider thing.

YOu all are so awesome, thank you so much for the support. I took a 3 hour nap but still feel the undercurrent of today's session. EMDR continues to work on me usually for another 2 days so I am trying to prepare for those emotions. I see my T again on Thurs and she said if things go bad tonight with nightmares and flashbacks, she would get me in tomorrow. For those who read that memory of mine, I wrote pull and but I meant pulled off. ICK. What a sicko she was.

My husband has apologized again and might be starting therapy too. I am not sure what to think about him at the moment. I know things are really rough at his work, so many people being let go, ect. BUT I told him that is NO excuse for hurting me or our kids. I told him it is one thing to hurt me, but hurt our kids, this mama bear will eat him and he won't like it one bit.

[zooropa]

it's so great that your T is willing to get you in tomorrow if you have trouble with nightmares and flashbacks tonight. It just kind of makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, seeing how your T cares about you. You deserve that, exotic.

[Sannah]

Good work EF!!