So, I saw T today.

We sort of ended last week with T telling me that I am deserving of love. He left me a voice mail for the weekend and he said that I am deserving of love, and that he wanted me to try believing that just 10% of the time over the weekend.

Today I went in there and pulled out THE darkest, most horrible thing from my past. The thing that sends me into a tailspin every October. The thing that we have never really talked about, ever. The thing that PROVES that I'm not deserving of love. I didn't even go in there planning to talk about it. I went in and felt quiet and sleepy and a little shut down, and I asked him if we could draw. I started drawing and one thing led to another and all of a sudden we were talking about it

I realized when I got home that it must have come up because I had to PROVE to T that I don't deserve love. Of course T was all "it wasn't your fault, blah, blah, blah". T is so nice

I feel horrible now. But I realized on the way home that I shouldn't hate that 8 year old Tree so much. So I put on my pajamas so we could be warm and I am trying to be gentle with her. I think I do feel sad for her. No matter what she did, it really really hurt, and that sucks for her, you know?

I feel like crap. I hope so much that this is somehow part of the healing because it feels horrible. Suicide crossed my mind sitting in T's office, but that doesn't make any sense. I'm just going to try to take care of the 8 year old me and hope that I don't feel this horrible forever

ETA: It almost felt like self-abuse to tell T. I wish I could have it back. Ugh.

ETA (again): T did give me the biggest, tightest hug before I left. I felt so small and his arms wrapped ALL the way around me and he sort of rested his chin on top of my head. I was completely safe and protected for a minute. And I guess it was his way of saying "you're not yucky or gross, I don't hate you, it will be okay". I had forgotten about that. Ugh. So hard, so hard, so hard.

[Snakebit]

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

Take care of that 8-year old Tree.

[Perna]

One thing that helps me, Tree, when I am dealing with a difficult younger self, is to remember that not only was I ignorant back then but that I was incapable of knowing any better, no matter what. Just like one doesn't understand algebra when one is 8, one doesn't have the resources or ability to understand a lot of complex human interactions, especially with adults. I still cringe when I remember how I interacted with my stepmother but it helps to realize I was retaliating for abusive treatment I thought I was receiving from her. I didn't have all the facts but it wasn't possible for me to have all those facts because my brain/emotions were just not mature enough!

My younger self wasn't really trying to hurt another person, she was just trying to help/protect Me and I have to honor her for that; she did the best she could with what she had and with how she understood things to be. She's a heroine I'm glad is Me and I'm only sorry I could not have been there as I am now, to have advised her better.

That is so so hard. But very brave of you to share with your t.

Keep thinking about that hug and what it means....you are not gross or yucky and you deserve to be nurtured and loved.

Sometimes when I feel unlovable and want to give up, I make a list of all the evidence I have that people do in fact care about me. A hug like that would be at the top of my list!

[chaotic13]

That is interesting that you ended up discussing what you perceive as the yuckiest part of you. The one book my T suggested I read a long time ago talked about how the abuse parasite trys to get us to play the-- You could not possibly love me if you knew "THIS" game. I'm glad your T followed with the, "Nope, still love ya no matter what" response. Try and love that child too treehouse. I know that is easier said than done, but try anyway.

[jexa]

Tree, have you ever seen Green Mile? I'm just imagining your T, taking the hurt from you, breathing it in, and breathing it out so you can be free of these things that hurt so much. It might feel like self-abuse to tell your T about this, but look how T reacted -- he loves you anyway -- he's taking that abuse and all the yuck and all the awfulness, and he is saying, I will hold it too, I will help you transform the awfulness, I will help you heal this hurt. So this may feel like self-abuse, but it is really your way of moving even closer to healing.

[zooropa]

tree, first of all:

I'm sorry you are so sad and feeling so horrible. I wish you didn't have to feel that way. Remember, feelings don't last forever. You won't always feel this way, I promise. I PROMISE.

I have experienced the same type of feelings after leaving a session where I made what felt like a big disclosure. That feeling of "why did I do that? If only I could take it back, I don't want to have said it, I don't want T to have heard it...". But try to trust that this came out today because it was the right time for it to come out.

I think you are doing great with taking care of yourself and attending to the 8-year old Tree. Self-soothing is in order after a huge session like that. Just keep doing what feels good, keep breathing, keep trusting yourself and your T and the process. You won't feel like this forever.

[darkrunner]

hmmmm....you went from manufacturing a rupture to trying to scare T away by your 'yukkiness'.
It seems like you are trying to push him away.

BUT! I have a feeling, he is not budging!

He is not like those people who pretended to care about you but really wanted to hurt you. You can tell him all your deepest darkest secrets, and he will still be there for you, still care about you, and treasure you as the precious person you are.

I think eventually through all your hard work with T you will come to accept that you are valuable and worthy of love.

I love that you put your pajamas on.
You are a darling, sweet ((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))

Feel better soon.

[WePow]

(((( Tree )))) you are so precious. I am so glad your T gave you a hug that special.
Please do take care of little tree. She needs you now more than ever.
It may be rough for a few days .... that memory and fear the little tree holds is too much for a child to take - sending you heart full of tenderness. If you have a picture of little tree - please look at it. That is why T had me put mine up here on PC - to remind myself that little me needs adult me to help her out. Your little tree needs you now and you can give her what you did not get when you needed it the most.

And yes - this is a part of the healing.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

hmmmm....you went from manufacturing a rupture to trying to scare T away by your 'yukkiness'.
It seems like you are trying to push him away.

I see that too, and have seen myself doing it at times. I think, tree, that maybe you are at or are reaching a critical phase in your therapy, and naturally that is scary. You are testing the boundaries. I think it means that you are moving or about to move into a new "stage", what I'm trying to say here is this is an important part of the healing process, as much as it hurts.

((((((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))))

i know it feels just awful to feel unworthy of love. you are so courageous to share what you did with T. i think some of it's power will very slowly begin to diminish as you are bringing it into the light. in time i think you'll see it for the big fat deception that it is.

tree, all people are deserving of love just by their very existence. we don't have to do anything to be worthy of being loved. we can just BE.

[googley]

(((((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))

You do deserve to be loved, and so does 8 year old Tree. I'm glad that you are taking care of her. Nothing that happened is her fault or your fault. I hope that talking about what makes October so hard will make it not as hard next October.

(((((((((PC Friends)))))))

The support here means so much I can't even find words for it. Thank you so much

T surprised me tonight by e-mailing me. I sent him a short e-mail and didn't ask for a response. I just wanted to let him know a couple of things that were going through my head. He will only respond if I clearly ask for a response, using really specific words.

But I was just getting ready to go to bed and I looked at my e-mail and there was an e-mail from T. I was totally shocked. It felt good to get it...I guess like one of those moment where the boundaries can be bent a little bit. I love T for doing that.

I am so exhausted and sad. I just want to sleep. I hope no dreams come.

[mixedup_emotions]

Please be kind to yourself and get some very needed rest...You are working hard. I admire your ability to be honest with your T, and I am so glad that he shows you how much he cares and accepts you wholeheartedly.

You are so brave. More brave than I am. I don't know if I will ever get to that place with T. I can't even get there with just ME, let alone another person. *sigh*

[zooropa]

that's so awesome, tree. Your T knew how hard today was for you, and he cares about you. I hope you can allow yourself to feel that.

I wish for deep, restful, dreamless sleep for you my friend

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

......Today I went in there and pulled out ..... The thing that we have never really talked about, ever. .....

dear Treehouse

that;s over now. You never have to talk about it again and its power over you will dissipate. I love you just for your bravery!!! but for many more reasons besides that too. Breathe now... that hardest part has seen daylight and air at last, and now will start to heal.

[lily99]

tree

[Sannah]

Very good work Tree..............

[WePow]

Awesome tree! Hope today is going well for you :-)

Originally Posted by chaotic13

That is interesting that you ended up discussing what you perceive as the yuckiest part of you. The one book my T suggested I read a long time ago talked about how the abuse parasite trys to get us to play the-- You could not possibly love me if you knew "THIS" game. I'm glad your T followed with the, "Nope, still love ya no matter what" response. Try and love that child too treehouse. I know that is easier said than done, but try anyway.

if you don't mind me asking, what was the book... I think i could use it!!!!

[MissCharlotte]

Hi ((Tree))

You know when I draw or color in T, it's usually when I need to talk about something that is bubbling but I don't necessarily know it either. So you did what you needed to do to keep yourself grounded while you discussed the things that you need to. I am so glad you were able to get that part of your history out of you with words. The energy between you and T that is so loving and safe is what has allowed you to do this very hard work. I have been wondering about love lately too and what it really is. I do believe that your very existence is proof of love. You are worthy of love because you are. The human condition is a loving one and the beauty within begins to shine when we can talk about those things that create clouds over our ability to see how we can shine. Keep going one step at a time. The relationship you and T have is amazing.

[zooropa]

(((((tree))))) just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing today. Hope all is well.