[rainbow8]

Melba--I didn't want to hijack tree's thread so I'm starting a new one. Something you wrote sounded exactly the way I used to think about my former T. I would have all of these strong feelings for her during the week, and think about her a lot, but when I got to the session most of that shut off as soon as I saw her. The reality didn't match up with my fantasies because who I saw in front of me was an ordinary woman, just like me. What I made up was so not true any more when we were face to face.

When I saw her in "real life" the cognitive dissonance was even more pronounced. She would look different, more casual, and I would wonder why I gave her, just another woman like me, so much power, and why I my feelings about my relationship with her were so important to me. They faded away in real life and left me quite disappointed and disallusioned. I used to tell her that she "shattered my dreams."

The power of therapy is very scary. We have to be careful not to get lost in the fantasy part of it, yet that part of it is often crucial to working through our issues. It's a puzzle to me. Aside from my own issues, I'm fascinated with the therapeutic relationship. Comments?

Wow. This is so much my experience too. I often build my T up in my mind out of session. I imagine she is the perfect mommy I always dreamed I would have.

And then, when I see her in person, I see that she is a good, kind person--but completely human and imperfect. When I'm sitting with her, I see that she is not the perfect mommy after all.

I think it becomes dangerous only if I choose to live in the fantasy and not accept the reality. But so far that hasn't happened. Usually, I'm able to take from her some of the good things I fantasize about--her soothing voice, a warm hug, the way I feel safe in her presence--and I cherish that as being reality. I think that is real.

[ECHOES]

It was difficult for me to give up the idealized T. There was a lot of comfort and comforting there, a high level of trust, the same wanting to 'just be there' as I expressed in session about just wanting to be there in T's presence.
But as I worked on it, I found it was relieving, too. No, she can't be who she is when I conjure her up in a daydream. No, she can't provide what I conjure up in a daydream.
Except, she can.
As I find more and more words for my inner experiences, and as I stop projecting and slow down and see what it is in me that is a need, I find the real relationship to be more fulfilling, more dimensional, more complex, more satisfying.
Relieving because I don't have to rely on the fantasy. I don't have to be alone and in my head to feel comforted, supported, cared about, accepted.
Fulfilling because it happens right there, right then, right in that room in the moment. The same tears may come that are about how good it feels to have this relationship, but I get to share them with T in the moment.

Once in a session I was suddenly aware of the joy of just being there, talking freely and easily, and I interrupted what we were talking about to say that I was feeling this intense joy about therapy. It was wonderful. Especially because "intense feeling" and "joy" don't normally go together in a sentence describing an of my experiences!

It takes time. It takes as much time as it takes. For me getting through the idealizing took me almost 3 years. Curiosity about what it might be like to come out from behind the protectiveness of fantasy helped me. Having solid trust of T in place told me it was okay to go for it. Although I still struggle with other resistances-- I think fantasy/idealizing was one way of doing that--- I at least have one down...

I also used to 'see' her differently in my mind after sessions. I was just telling her recently that I used to swear she was very tall. (She is my height). I have told her of recalling a session where she seemed much younger and several where she was sitting on the opposite side of the room.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

It takes time. It takes as much time as it takes. For me getting through the idealizing took me almost 3 years. Curiosity about what it might be like to come out from behind the protectiveness of fantasy helped me. Having solid trust of T in place told me it was okay to go for it. Although I still struggle with other resistances-- I think fantasy/idealizing was one way of doing that--- I at least have one down...

I also used to 'see' her differently in my mind after sessions. I was just telling her recently that I used to swear she was very tall. (She is my height). I have told her of recalling a session where she seemed much younger and several where she was sitting on the opposite side of the room.

Echoes, first off...that is awesome that you have gone through all that and have seen the other side!

Second...the bolded paragraph REALLY interests me. I wonder if it is something I do as well, though I never thought of it this way. When I am out of therapy, I think of these things I would like to tell T, and in my mind it isn't so bad or so scary, but when I get there iN THE ROOM with her, it all goes away. I lose nerve, and something about actually seeing her face to face changes it for me. It usually starts that morning in the shower where I go "This is stupid..there is no reason to talk about that...that isn't important anymore...you don't feel that way now...etc", and by the time I am there, it is gone.

I've tried to get better, by either bringing in an actual journal entry and reading it to her...though I hate doing that, or forcing myself to talk about even just a little bit of something. THe last time I brought in a journal entry to read, it was all about how I am so afraid of how sick she is of me/wants me to quit (this is an ongoing theme...like for two years). She said that she does think that I still want to change, because otherwise she wouldn't work with me any longer. As weird as that may sound, it does make me feel better.

I think that I am sloowwwwllly being able to let go of that worry of her being frustrated at me/sick of me....but it is still there, just not as intense. I actually just wrote her a thank you email last week for letting me be silent when its tough, and that I DO appreciate it, even if I hate it

I think maybe I'm afraid of letting that go, because then all that energy spent on being nervous/worried about what she thinks will have to be directed on ME and what I am feeling!

[Melbadaze]

As therapy for me has gone the fantasys have lessened and reality has begun to take root. I don't think the caring I fantazied is any less in reallity, but for me the fear was that it would be.

I Am still prone to fantazise, but I am much more aware now. I remember being upset once when the fantazies went the other way as Everythink has its oppersite, and I fantazied T didn't care and I told her that I was stupid to have had fantazies of her caring when in reality she didn't. T replied, "I don't think there is that big a gap between your fantazy of me caring and the reality". I think thats when I begun to dare to want to really find out about the truth of that, thats when I begun to balance fantazy and reality.

[Sannah]

Echoes, what a great post!!