[jexa]

So thanks all for your replies to my thread "losing momentum." I think that my intense reaction to my T that I talked about in that thread has actually renewed my momentum in therapy! So that is great!

I read her some parts of my posts on here and told her all about how intense my reaction was to thinking she was abandoning me. This reaction I had was so full of information, for both of us. So my session last night was really deep, connected, and real because I told her exactly how I felt and how these feelings affected my week, and we talked about where my fear of abandonment comes from and the fact that I'm not ready right now for this, and that I'll need more of a support system before terminating therapy as well as dealing with issues that we're working on and haven't resolved. We are not at the termination phase at all. So after all this, I no longer fear that she is kicking me out.

We had to wrap up before I got to talk about the mental block I have with talking about certain things, but we made a plan to talk about it next week, and I don't feel afraid of that.

I still don't know how to get past the mental block about trauma-related and sexual-issue-related things. It's a pretty strong force that just shuts down my brain when I actually try to think of topics to bring up in T about this stuff. I just go blank. These things only come into my mind against my will, and catch me off guard, and I couldn't possibly think of a therapy topic during these times of distress. Ugh. I guess I will talk about this with T on Friday, but has anyone else experienced this kind of mental block? How did you get past it?

[googley]

Jexa!!! Yeah!!!!!

I'm so glad you talked about your fear of abandonment with your T and that you were able to connect with her and see that she is not abandoning you. That is so much progress.

While it isn't exactly the same. I did have a point where I didn't think I was going to be able to get out verbally what I needed to talk about. So I allowed myself to do some free writing about it and then took that in to T for her to read. I didn't feel the pressure of having to have the right answer or know what was going on when I wrote, or the pressure of only having that 50 minutes to talk about it. I don't know if this will work for you, but I've used it in the past when I haven't been able to figure out what was going on inside. And even if you don't want to share what you end up writing, (as I have very rarely actually shared what I wrote,) it may give you a starting place.

Take care.

[jexa]

Thanks googley.. that sounds like something that might work if I can just get started writing anything at all. I've been trying and I just can't write a single word. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard..

[darkrunner]

Hi Jexa,
Your T sounds awesome. I'm really glad you had a good session and that things seem to be going better.

About the mental block - I think trying so hard to overcome it probably won't help it at all. Maybe instead you can try really hard to be patient with yourself, and trust that when you are ready and it is the right time, you will be able to work on the very difficult things.
I also think talking to T about the mental block might help dissolve those strong defenses that you feel are protecting you.

I also agree with Googley, that writing in between sessions can be very helpful. Have you ever tried stream of conciousness writing? It is when you write whatever comes to your head, even if it is nothing at all, but you just keep writing and don't stop. Once when I did it I couldn't think of anything to write, so I kept writing 'I dont know what to write', and after a few lines of this I started into a different topic that led to some pretty significant feelings and insights that I didn't even know I had.

oops - I'm sorry if this is so long and maybe I am way off base...just ignore me if I am.

Originally Posted by jexa

I still don't know how to get past the mental block about trauma-related and sexual-issue-related things. It's a pretty strong force that just shuts down my brain when I actually try to think of topics to bring up in T about this stuff. I just go blank. These things only come into my mind against my will, and catch me off guard, and I couldn't possibly think of a therapy topic during these times of distress. Ugh. I guess I will talk about this with T on Friday, but has anyone else experienced this kind of mental block? How did you get past it?

Can you just bring up whatever is happening in the moment in T? Even if it's "I know there are so many things I need to talk about, but when I sit here, my mind goes blank". Maybe if you can just let yourself relax and be however you are, you will find your way to the things you need to talk about.

It sounds like you were really honest with T and had a really good session. Good for you

[WePow]

((((Jexa)))) That sounds like you are really making a whole lot of progress!!!
I know for our trauma stuff, I started out by just presenting a rough outline of some of the "lesser" (sic) childhood abuse issues. Even though they were also bad. And I did it like a newspaper headline of "Ok. I need to tell you XYZ" Then the next session or when I wanted to give more detail, I would be like "Ok. With XYZ, this is an overview of what happened and who did it." ... But I do not give the details or how it impacted my heart. Then when I was safe again and trusted a bit more, I would go back to it and say "Ok. Now concerning XYZ, these are the details of it and here is how I feel." That was the hardest part of the trauma work. But at least it was better for me when I did it in these steps than trying to say it all at one time. Also, in my therapy journal, I keep track of what I am sharing and which stage I am on with sharing. Even have check-off boxes for myself to use! :-)

[jexa]

Thanks all for your suggestions. I think the best thing will be to stop trying so hard to think of things to talk about. I think a part of the mental block I have is that I want to move faster that I'm ready to move. So my brain just shuts down the whole process. But I think I can talk to T about the fact that this mental block is there. My T already knows basically the three SA events (well, one was ongoing) that happened to me, but does not know any details. "Newspaper headline" style, like you said, WePow. Thing is we don't plan to make processing memories the focus of T (I talked about the memories to a T in college and it made things WORSE because I have SUCH a tendency to get stuck on things due to my OCD.. processing memories again and again puts them on MORE of a broken record in my head.. so knowing this, T said maybe we shouldn't make memories the focus). More so, I want to improve my sexual relationships, something going on in the present. I have BIG BIG issues with sex, although I'm not sexually active right now. But I told her what my sex life is LIKE, for the most part. Now what do we even talk about? How do I make it better?

Maybe I'm scared of what I have to do to make it better.