[mixedup_emotions]

Had my session today, and it was hard. I was overwhelmed with anxiety, tears, etc.

When I told T about my dream...he said it was very telling...relating it to our work in therapy. He said that as much as I may trust him or try to trust him, I fight like heck against what we're trying to do.

Then, towards the end of the session, he commented that my gasps for air from the anxiety lessened - and I told him it must be the klonopin kicking in...He was not happy. He said it was antithetical to what we're trying to do. He said he's not sure the value in doing therapy after taking the medicine.

I am failing at therapy...

[velcro003]

no you are not mixed. i feel like that SO OFTEN it is ridiculous. it is hard for me not to think i'm failing most of the time. i think he probably wasn't happy because he wants to be able to see you feel better about being in therapy, and not worse. My T has expressed very similar things to me. She has said "This isn't supposed to be so difficult", to "Maybe you don't want to be in therapy" to "Maybe another T will help lessen the anxiety." Each time, those HURT. I felt so rejected and like such a failure.

What I have come to (somewhat) learn is that she is frustrated, not at me, but at the fact that she can't do more for me...make me feel less anxious. That she has my best interest at heart. I think your T does too. He just wants you to benefit from T, but that does NOT mean he doesnt want to help you. I know it can feel like it, because I feel like that often.

Keep going. Keep showing up. Keep trying. It is the ONLY thing that has gotten me through, just showing up week after week.

[Fox]

{hugs} just keep at it. Failing is giving up before it has a chance. You are an amazing person. Just keep swimming just keep swimming <3 Be patient with your T too. They're only human. Hee hee sometimes I think of T's like pets that we have to train. But be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself. You're a good person.

((((((((((((((mixed)))))))))))))))

you are so not a therapy failure! everyone heals at their own rate. please do NOT compare your progress with others. we are all different. do not 'compare and despair'.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

When I told T about my dream...he said it was very telling...relating it to our work in therapy. He said that as much as I may trust him or try to trust him, I fight like heck against what we're trying to do.

this is good information. now maybe you can examine why you have such a hard time trusting. i find it's helpful to just deal with where i'm at. so, if i can't trust or do the work then that is what i need to look at rather than trying to force myself to do something i'm obviously not ready to do. it's slowing down to speed up.

Then, towards the end of the session, he commented that my gasps for air from the anxiety lessened - and I told him it must be the klonopin kicking in...He was not happy. He said it was antithetical to what we're trying to do. He said he's not sure the value in doing therapy after taking the medicine.

again this is good info. maybe you can hold off on taking the med until the session is over.

I am failing at therapy...

mixed, it takes a lot of time to heal from all the significant wounds you have. you can't rush the process. i know we all want to be healed in a new york minute but it takes time. please be gentle with yourself.

[BlueMoon6]

I always thought that the use of medication is to enable us to do the work without overwhelming panic and to be able to go there without being disabled. Ftt has told me to take a klonopin when I need to when we are doing trauma work so that I can function better. What did T mean when he said that taking klonopin is antithetical to what you are trying to do? He wants you to go it alone without the help of the med? Why should you gasp for air? Isnt it better not to gasp and to be able to work in therapy without getting phsically ill?

(((MUE))) I SOOOO dont think you are a failure. You work SO HARD and try SO HARD in so many ways. I fight like heck, too. Its my natural reaction to hold onto responses that have protected me forever. Can I just leave them and do something else? I cant. I fight like heck and I dont even know I am fighting it. You are NOT failing. I think you are fighting like heck to get better

[ECHOES]

Fighting like heck, or resistance, is something to learn more about. How does that work in you, where does it begin, what fears are there about not resisting, what feels safe or protective about fighting... rahter than a judgement, this is a window opening to more opportunity.

I do not think he means that you shouldn't take medication, but that taking it just prior to or during therapy would dull the emotions you want to explore and learn about.

When I told my T I had taken Xanax just before a session, she was curious about why. I was trying to loosen up, to talk more. She wanted to explore the intense anxiety I felt in session that seemed unbearable when thinking about it before session. All resistances originate in fear, in my opinion, and talking about them is very relieving.

Failing? It sounds like you're finding even more things to bring into therapy to make it more meaningful and more helpful.

(((((((((((((((((MUE))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry that T's words left you feeling like a failure It sounds like you were working really hard, feeling lots of feelings, and being really honest. I can't think of a more "right" way to to therapy. I just want to reach through the computer and give you a big hug

My T and I have mixed feelings about using klonopin before a session. He wants me to use it if without it we will have to spend the entire session talking me down from a panic attack/extreme anxious state. Otherwise, I think he would like it if I wait until after session...but it's up to me. I REALLY don't think that taking something that takes the edge off enough to allow you to do the work is being a failure in any way, shape or form. I wonder if this is something you could discuss more with T??

And fighting like heck against the work in therapy....sounds like part of therapy to me. Not failure at all, but part of the process. It took a long time for me to be able to open my mouth and actually start talking about trauma/feelings/etc. A LONG time. And even then, it would take me an ENTIRE session (literally) to force out one sentence. Truly. But it didn't make me a failure...it was part of the process for me, and I couldn't have got to the point I am at now (where I am *usually* able to talk about things) without going through what I had to go through to get here. It takes what it takes. You are showing up, you are making huge strides in group, you are trying as hard as you can with T. How could that be failing??

You are working hard. Be gentle with you, MUE

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone....

My T is very much against the use of medication because he feels that it numbs us from our emotions. Considering how anxious I was throughout most of the session, I can't imagine having to go through that without the help of the klonopin....I even took TWO of them before the session, and I was a mess.

*sigh*

He asked me if I could hold off on taking the meds to give us a fighting chance in T...I told him I would. But that scares me.

I'm still feeling down about it all. I shared a lot in session about what I'm going through...but we didn't get into the core feelings. T said that he did not use his normal approach, because he knows how unpleasant it is for me and how much I resist it...so he's trying to provide understanding in different ways. He said that only I know how much I can handle, and I'm pretty saturated.

He also asked me if I was getting closer to being ready to let some of the wall down. I told him that no, I was trying to find ways to build that wall - but it seems as though I don't know how anymore.

I am just not good at this therapy thing. I envy those like zoo, tree and Bluemoon who can expose so much more of their core feelings to move them along in therapy....It seems so incredibly hard, and I fight against it. I fight hard, and I know that it defeats the purpose of therapy. I just don't know how to do it any differently. Maybe I just don't trust T enough, or don't feel safe enough, or am just too afraid of letting go. It's like a tornado. There's too much there, and if I open up just a little bit, I'm afraid that it's going to be too much. I told T that...I guess that's progress in itself....but his feedback didn't help me feel as though it was progress.

I feel just so let down by this. I just want it all to go away.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

There's too much there, and if I open up just a little bit, I'm afraid that it's going to be too much.

What do you fear will happen if it is "too much"?

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Maybe I just don't trust T enough, or don't feel safe enough,

What if this IS it, MUE? What if the problem isn't that you aren't willing to let go, but that T isn't the "right" one to do it with? What if his approach just doesn't work for you?

I remember when you talked about the other T from group...it sounded like you felt so much more at ease and cared for with him.

It takes two people to make therapy work. I am only able to do what I do in therapy because my T is so gentle and caring and open and accepting. He pushes me, but not more than I can handle. And I literally, LITERALLY have never felt anything from him but acceptance. No matter how much I resist or fight or use bad coping skills or whatever. And that acceptance has allowed me to take my walls down, brick by brick. SLOWLY.

I just wanted to throw that perspective out there. I could be totally off base...but I do know that we often have a tendency to take ALL of the responsibility for things on ourselves, and it's not always ours to hold.

to you.

[peaches100]

Hi Mixedupemotions,

When reading your post, a few things struck me as significant.

First, I think that your t being "very much against medication" could be a problem for you and your healing. I understand his concern that he would not want you to be so medicated that your feelings are numb and you can't access them. But that's not the case. You said that it was a hard session and that you had anxiety and shed tears. That sounds to me like you had access to your emotions. The fact that your "gasps for air lessened" means that you still had some gasping for air. Clearly, your medication is not blunting your emotions or keeping you from being in touch with them. So I don't understand at all why your t believes the Klonipin is hindering the therapy work. I agree with the others who have said that medication is sometimes necessary to calm you down enough to be able to tolerate the emotions that come up. It's true in my case. I take 3 psychiatric meds and i still have plenty of emotions to access in my therapy sessions. It sounds like you do also.

The other significant thing from your post is your t's comment that you "fight like heck" against what you're trying to do in therapy. Do you know what he means by this? Do you feel that you "fight like heck" against it? You did say that you have walls, and that rather than bringing them down, you feel the need to build them up. This tells me that your resistance in therapy is probably because you haven't yet developed enough trust and safety in the therapy relationship to open yourself up to the deeper work. This is not, in any way, a failure.

Trust and safety, and the ability to be more and more vulnerable, and engage in deeper therapy work takes time, and everybody is different when it comes to how long it takes for them to feel safe enough to do this. For me, as kind and supportive as my t is, it has taken me several "years" to build up enough trust and safety. It can't be pushed or rushed, and much of the responsibility falls upon the therapist to create (and sustain) the sort of therapy environment and relationship that will allow that trust and safety to grow.

It's good that your t is aware of the resistance and is trying different strategies in therapy in an effort to show more understanding. It sounds like he cares about you. My only concern is his stand on the medication, and I also think he needs to be more patient with you. He needs to realize that -- medication or not -- you're not going to be able to bring the walls down and jump into deep therapy work until you feel safe enough and ready do to so. His job is to help create that sense of safety.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

What do you fear will happen if it is "too much"?

I am afraid of spiraling out of control...I am afraid that my beliefs about certain things and people will change, especially those I love and am incredibly loyal to....I am afraid that it will cause more anxiety and depression crashes....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

What if this IS it, MUE? What if the problem isn't that you aren't willing to let go, but that T isn't the "right" one to do it with? What if his approach just doesn't work for you?

I remember when you talked about the other T from group...it sounded like you felt so much more at ease and cared for with him.

It takes two people to make therapy work. I am only able to do what I do in therapy because my T is so gentle and caring and open and accepting. He pushes me, but not more than I can handle. And I literally, LITERALLY have never felt anything from him but acceptance. No matter how much I resist or fight or use bad coping skills or whatever. And that acceptance has allowed me to take my walls down, brick by brick. SLOWLY.

I just wanted to throw that perspective out there. I could be totally off base...but I do know that we often have a tendency to take ALL of the responsibility for things on ourselves, and it's not always ours to hold.

to you.

I really do care for my T, and I know he cares about me too. I don't want to give up on what we've built so far - and how much we've accomplished over this last year together. It's true that he does not provide the kind of warmth and physical affection that the other T does so freely. But I don't know that things would be any different as far as letting go of these self-protection mechanisms that have been in place my entire life. I can't seem to "let go" even alone in the comfort of my own bed....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Mixedupemotions,

When reading your post, a few things struck me as significant.

First, I think that your t being "very much against medication" could be a problem for you and your healing. I understand his concern that he would not want you to be so medicated that your feelings are numb and you can't access them. But that's not the case. You said that it was a hard session and that you had anxiety and shed tears. That sounds to me like you had access to your emotions. The fact that your "gasps for air lessened" means that you still had some gasping for air. Clearly, your medication is not blunting your emotions or keeping you from being in touch with them. So I don't understand at all why your t believes the Klonipin is hindering the therapy work. I agree with the others who have said that medication is sometimes necessary to calm you down enough to be able to tolerate the emotions that come up. It's true in my case. I take 3 psychiatric meds and i still have plenty of emotions to access in my therapy sessions. It sounds like you do also.

The other significant thing from your post is your t's comment that you "fight like heck" against what you're trying to do in therapy. Do you know what he means by this? Do you feel that you "fight like heck" against it? You did say that you have walls, and that rather than bringing them down, you feel the need to build them up. This tells me that your resistance in therapy is probably because you haven't yet developed enough trust and safety in the therapy relationship to open yourself up to the deeper work. This is not, in any way, a failure.

Trust and safety, and the ability to be more and more vulnerable, and engage in deeper therapy work takes time, and everybody is different when it comes to how long it takes for them to feel safe enough to do this. For me, as kind and supportive as my t is, it has taken me several "years" to build up enough trust and safety. It can't be pushed or rushed, and much of the responsibility falls upon the therapist to create (and sustain) the sort of therapy environment and relationship that will allow that trust and safety to grow.

It's good that your t is aware of the resistance and is trying different strategies in therapy in an effort to show more understanding. It sounds like he cares about you. My only concern is his stand on the medication, and I also think he needs to be more patient with you. He needs to realize that -- medication or not -- you're not going to be able to bring the walls down and jump into deep therapy work until you feel safe enough and ready do to so. His job is to help create that sense of safety.

Thanks, Peaches....

Indeed, I had access to a lot of emotions during my session. I was in panic attack mode, gasping for air, and crying....Whenever he tried to get me to go deeper though, I wouldn't allow myself to feel any more than that. I wouldn't sit with my feelings long enough to understand them. I just kept feeling the tornado, the fear, the anxiety - and couldn't focus on any one specific thing. And that was WITH the klonopin....*sigh*

Thank you for helping me with your explanation of trust and safety. It is taking time, and I know my T is frustrated with me because I've been feeling badly for so long - and he wants me to make progress with this, but I'm just having a hard time with it. I get that. I don't know what I need in order to feel more trusting and safe. I just want the bad feelings to go away.

[mixedup_emotions]

I sent an e-mail to my T, telling him that I'm having a hard time with all of this and that I need his reassurance that he's not giving up on me.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am afraid of spiraling out of control...I am afraid that my beliefs about certain things and people will change, especially those I love and am incredibly loyal to....I am afraid that it will cause more anxiety and depression crashes....

These are reasonable fears. Can you talk to your T about these?

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I was in panic attack mode, gasping for air, and crying....Whenever he tried to get me to go deeper though, I wouldn't allow myself to feel any more than that. I wouldn't sit with my feelings long enough to understand them. I just kept feeling the tornado, the fear, the anxiety - and couldn't focus on any one specific thing.

So should your T have allowed you to get comfortable with where you were at before he pushed you to go deeper? Should your T focus more on building trust with you? Building your sense of safety and relaxation with him?

[mixedup_emotions]

T responded to my e-mail saying:

"I won’t ever give up on you. You have come a long way and your drive to succeed surpasses your fears, but even if it didn’t I would support you indefinitely. Hang in there, what you are experiencing could be an indication you are progressing as strange as it may sound."

(((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))

I'm glad you got such a reassuring e-mail from him. I hope you can follow his lead and show yourself some of the same care and acceptance that he is showing you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

These are reasonable fears. Can you talk to your T about these?

So should your T have allowed you to get comfortable with where you were at before he pushed you to go deeper? Should your T focus more on building trust with you? Building your sense of safety and relaxation with him?

Actually, we talked about those fears during the session.

Re: comfort...That's quite insightful. I'll have to give that some consideration. Thanks, Sannah!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))

I'm glad you got such a reassuring e-mail from him. I hope you can follow his lead and show yourself some of the same care and acceptance that he is showing you.

Thanks, Tree....

* * * BIG SIGH * * *

I will try....it's hard...but I will try.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am just not good at this therapy thing. I envy those like zoo, tree and Bluemoon who can expose so much more of their core feelings to move them along in therapy....It seems so incredibly hard, and I fight against it. I fight hard, and I know that it defeats the purpose of therapy. I just don't know how to do it any differently. Maybe I just don't trust T enough, or don't feel safe enough, or am just too afraid of letting go. It's like a tornado. There's too much there, and if I open up just a little bit, I'm afraid that it's going to be too much. I told T that...I guess that's progress in itself....but his feedback didn't help me feel as though it was progress.

I feel just so let down by this. I just want it all to go away.

YEP. YEP. YEP!!! I constantly tell my T that I don't know hOW to "let go" or feel differently. I am also so afraid that it will lead to a big crash and leave me feeling raw and exposed all the time. I spent today fighting tears all day at work. I don't know how to contain them. I don't like feeling.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I really do care for my T, and I know he cares about me too. I don't want to give up on what we've built so far - and how much we've accomplished over this last year together. It's true that he does not provide the kind of warmth and physical affection that the other T does so freely. But I don't know that things would be any different as far as letting go of these self-protection mechanisms that have been in place my entire life. I can't seem to "let go" even alone in the comfort of my own bed....

yep...me either.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

T responded to my e-mail saying:

"I won’t ever give up on you. You have come a long way and your drive to succeed surpasses your fears, but even if it didn’t I would support you indefinitely. Hang in there, what you are experiencing could be an indication you are progressing as strange as it may sound."

that is incredible mue. keep that email close to you when you feel this way. tape it to your wall

[BlueMoon6]

((((MUE)))) I read along here and I loved Ts email to you. He is not giving up on you and is in it for the long haul. That sounds reassuring. I agree that building a deeper trust with him might allow you to access the feelings behind the wall. Do you find that the feelings and memories behind the wall seem to be in pieces and not quite clear to you and so you protect? I do that. I dont remember stuff so well, I am not clear about what I feel or felt in the past, I have parts that have access to feelings and parts that are dead, no reachable feelings at all. What I did with ftt, because I didnt want to start over and wanted to do the work,was tell her how my thoughts and memories are in pieces and I dont understand what or how to even work on this stuff that scares me to death. She was able to help with that. I think, for me, the baby step I had to take to build trust with her was to try try try to figure out what it is that I am feeling and take the leap and tell her. I have nothing to lose. Nothing at all. I protect myself, even from a T, when I fear that I have a lot to lose by revealing something. But what REALLY do I have to lose?

Maybe Im just rambling. I hope this makes some kind of sense. I relate so much to just automatically being in protect mode and the walls getting higher and higher.

I think T is right, tho, that as strange as it may sound, this is movement forward

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

((((MUE)))) I read along here and I loved Ts email to you. He is not giving up on you and is in it for the long haul. That sounds reassuring. I agree that building a deeper trust with him might allow you to access the feelings behind the wall. Do you find that the feelings and memories behind the wall seem to be in pieces and not quite clear to you and so you protect? I do that. I dont remember stuff so well, I am not clear about what I feel or felt in the past, I have parts that have access to feelings and parts that are dead, no reachable feelings at all. What I did with ftt, because I didnt want to start over and wanted to do the work,was tell her how my thoughts and memories are in pieces and I dont understand what or how to even work on this stuff that scares me to death. She was able to help with that. I think, for me, the baby step I had to take to build trust with her was to try try try to figure out what it is that I am feeling and take the leap and tell her. I have nothing to lose. Nothing at all. I protect myself, even from a T, when I fear that I have a lot to lose by revealing something. But what REALLY do I have to lose?

Maybe Im just rambling. I hope this makes some kind of sense. I relate so much to just automatically being in protect mode and the walls getting higher and higher.

I think T is right, tho, that as strange as it may sound, this is movement forward

Thanks, Blue....

I don't think I allow myself enough time to sit with the feelings I have to understand them. It's usually the anxiety that builds up - and causes the panic attacks and the meltdowns....it's like I'm running from something but don't know what it is that I'm running from.

And yes, it's in pieces....or more like - all over the place....there's just too much there - from too many different aspects of my life - and feels like a tornado of awfulness....it's overwhelming, and I have trouble focusing on just one aspect of it.

I am hoping to be in a better place next week when I have my session with T - and get the courage to pick one topic and delve into it. Usually, it's either I have a real-time crisis going on in life....or, I'm a mess from the tornado....And when I do have moments of calm, I'd prefer not to mess it up by delving into trauma....ACK....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I don't think I allow myself enough time to sit with the feelings I have to understand them.

it's like I'm running from something but don't know what it is that I'm running from.

THis sounds like a good place to start MUE.......

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

T responded to my e-mail saying:

"I won’t ever give up on you. You have come a long way and your drive to succeed surpasses your fears, but even if it didn’t I would support you indefinitely. Hang in there, what you are experiencing could be an indication you are progressing as strange as it may sound."

heck, that is so cool. I wish my t did emails... nope, nada, no way.. sucks for me.. Happy for you