So, you may have seen my other threads that I am in the process of transitioning away from my T due to a job change/move.

Something about knowing we don't have much face-to-face time left has really split our sessions wide open, and it has been so so so good....yet so so so SO painful.

I have been sharing things--difficult memories and difficult feelings--that I have never shared before, because at this point, what do I have to lose?? I already feel like I'm losing her on some level so why not just put it all out there, ya know?

I can feel our connection is stronger--we have both cried recently over some of the painful stuff, and I just have this sense that she is holding me in her thoughts. But I also think by being more vulnerable now at the end, that I'm just making it harder on myself to say goodbye.

It's a strange place to be...the self-protective part of me wants to climb under a rock and stop feeling all this pain....but if I withdraw, then I'll no longer feel the warmth and intimacy anymore, and I'm enjoying that.

[mixedup_emotions]

That must be so incredibly hard....((( HUGS )))

[googley]

Originally Posted by griffinp

So, you may have seen my other threads that I am in the process of transitioning away from my T due to a job change/move.

Something about knowing we don't have much face-to-face time left has really split our sessions wide open, and it has been so so so good....yet so so so SO painful.

I have been sharing things--difficult memories and difficult feelings--that I have never shared before, because at this point, what do I have to lose?? I already feel like I'm losing her on some level so why not just put it all out there, ya know?

I can feel our connection is stronger--we have both cried recently over some of the painful stuff, and I just have this sense that she is holding me in her thoughts. But I also think by being more vulnerable now at the end, that I'm just making it harder on myself to say goodbye.

It's a strange place to be...the self-protective part of me wants to climb under a rock and stop feeling all this pain....but if I withdraw, then I'll no longer feel the warmth and intimacy anymore, and I'm enjoying that.

I had a very similar experience when I moved. I wanted to be able to talk about all the stuff I had been scared to mention, but wanted to pull away so I wouldn't get hurt when I left.

googley, how did you handle it??!

I just emailed her and asked her to remind me once again that she is not going to disappear forever. Part of me feels like she's dying.

Originally Posted by griffinp

It's a strange place to be...the self-protective part of me wants to climb under a rock and stop feeling all this pain....but if I withdraw, then I'll no longer feel the warmth and intimacy anymore, and I'm enjoying that.

I find this place in my therapy a lot...and there is no end in sight. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be in that place and know that therapy is ending soon.

Do you have a plan for after you move? An occasional phone session, or phone check-in, or e-mail? I wonder if that would help things feel less "final".

It sounds like you are doing good, hard, important work, and like you'll be able to look back without regrets, and that is a Big Deal.

Lots and lots of to you.

We sort of have a plan to do phone sessions and email, but haven't discussed details about frequency or anything.

The plan is to eventually find someone new to work with, but she knows I'm not in any rush to do that, and she said that's okay.

She responded to my email saying that she will always be available to contact. It just doesn't feel satisfying to hear that.

[peaches100]

Griffinp,

I can just imagine how hard this must be for you! Even with the opportunity to keep contact, it's still a big change. It's normal to feel anxious in the face of change. Keep reassuring yourself with the fact that she's not abandoning you. She cares about you very much! That caring will be there whether you talk often or little. Circumstances are changing. But the caring is not changing. You will still be able to contact her when you want/need to. She is holding into your right hand (can you feel it)? She is with you even now. She is not letting go.

Originally Posted by griffinp

She responded to my email saying that she will always be available to contact. It just doesn't feel satisfying to hear that.

((((((((((((griffinp)))))))))))))))

Do you know what words would have felt better? Sometimes when T gives me something and it's not quite right, it helps me figure out what it is I *really* need, and then I'm able to ask for it. It's just so hard sometimes to figure out what it IS.

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((((griffinp)))))))))))))))

Do you know what words would have felt better? Sometimes when T gives me something and it's not quite right, it helps me figure out what it is I *really* need, and then I'm able to ask for it. It's just so hard sometimes to figure out what it IS.

Thanks for the hugs.

Ugh. I don't know that anything she could have said would have felt satisfying, because...well, regardless, the relationship is changing and things won't ever be quite the same. And that hurts. And I think it's just going to hurt for a while. It'd be one thing if our therapy was organically coming to an end....or even to a stopping point. But we're really in the thick of it.

I want to get up the courage to ask her for something to take with me--a letter in her handwriting or something of significance that I can look at and be reminded of her care. Has anyone ever asked for something like that from their T?

Originally Posted by griffinp

I want to get up the courage to ask her for something to take with me--a letter in her handwriting or something of significance that I can look at and be reminded of her care. Has anyone ever asked for something like that from their T?

Yes, totally.

T has written me little notes to take on vacation, or over hard weekends earlier in therapy. He has a bowl of marbles in his office, and I have a few of those. He gave me his pen once (but I lost it ACK). Right now, I have a little animal totem that he keeps on his desk. It's not mine to keep, but it's mine to hold for right now.

I went through such a phase at one point of asking for his stuff that we joked I'd be walking around town with his lamp under my arm

It is okay to ask for something that you need. I think a written note from T would be a really nice thing to have as you transition to your new home. Something tangible to hang on to. I love that idea.

[googley]

Originally Posted by griffinp

googley, how did you handle it??!

I just emailed her and asked her to remind me once again that she is not going to disappear forever. Part of me feels like she's dying.

First thing was that as soon as I found out I was moving I had this major blow up thinking she was trying to get rid of me. (self defense I think). We talked about that and she assured me that she was not going anywhere. Then we continued with T (I still had a couple of months.) We talked about my fear of pulling away and losing that contact before I left. So we talked about that also. I know what helped the most was during the last two or three sessions I had before I left we used them to talk over what I had accomplished in T and then to talk about the best parts. Not necessarily the easiest parts, but the parts that I had learned the most from. One of those had happened just a couple of weeks before when for the second time (ever) I had gotten really mad at T and we had been able to talk about it and process it. Another time we talked about was an experience from the very beginning of our time together. Reviewing these things gave me a feeling of being able to take it all with me and all the positive memories of how much I had grown. I did have a couple of phone contacts with my T after I moved until I got set up with my new T and that helped a lot. After our last call I bawled my eyes out. But it was helpful to have that contact while I was adjusting to my new place and adjusting to my new T. She acted as a sounding board for me to bring up things about the new T and talk about any concerns I had. I know that if the one I was set up with had not worked out, she would have helped me find another one and kept in contact until that happened.

I also wrote T a letter telling her how much she meant to me and how much our work together meant. I wanted to make sure that I got everything down and didn't accidentally leave something out. So I gave that to her also to take home and read and then we talked about it the next session. I also have a copy of the letter to remind me how much work we accomplished.