Stupid T. Stupid consequences.

I feel like I'm being punished by my T. I guess, in a way, I am. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Ok, so here's what happened. My T is leaving tomorrow for a week in Florida. I had my first session on Monday like usual, and I was supposed to see him for my second session today.
But I didn't go. I did email him twice yesterday to tell him I wasn't coming to therapy because I had become "comfortably detached" and I didn't want to see him because I'd miss him if I saw him again and I really didn't want to feel anything for him while he was away. But then, other parts had additional reasons for not wanting to go, mostly related to feeling powerless over his vacation, so even though I did tell him ahead of time that I wasn't coming to therapy, it was mostly, I think, a test of some sort. And I don't think he expected me to go through with it because I have a history of threatening to not show up but I always show up anyway and he knows that so he generally ignores those threats.
But this time I went through with it. I didn't show up. And he emailed me about 10 minutes after what would have been the beginning of my session. He wrote, "I fail to see how you could think missing today's appointment was in your best interest."
Short and direct. The man gets his point across in email using as few words as possible, but I'm used to that. So I emailed him back, telling him that I didn't have a good answer to that. At that point I expected him to allow me to reschedule for the following week when he returns from Florida.
Except he didn't do that. Instead, he wrote, "I guess you will need to call me when I return to schedule an appointment."
That's when it hit me. He wasn't playing this game by my rules and I didn't like it. So I asked him why he was punishing me by making me wait until he returns before I can schedule another appointment. He replied, " What should be the result of you failing to keep up your side of this therapeutic relationship by not showing up today?"
Ok, I get it. Sort of. But sort of I don't and I'm not sure why I'm writing this except I know I screwed up and now I miss my T and have to wait until he gets back before I can reschedule.

((( field ))) It is not going to be easy for you. But you can process through this. There is a reason all this is happening. My heart goes out to you. It is very hard to fight for mental health. Journal about your emotions and thoughts on this and let yourself process it. You are the boss of you. You can do this.

I can tell this is brutal for you. You are working through some hard stuff with this. Even though it hurts, when T comes back and you are able to meet again, you can talk about how you managed this separation, and talk about how you'd prefer to have things end before another separation. Even though it feels like you are doing this all wrong, you are doing what you need to in order to learn and grow.

I did the same thing once. My T was going somewhere, and I cancelled the week before. And she called me up. And she asked why, and I didn't know, and then she said that I should come in, and I wasn't going to. And then she said, "Is it because you feel that I have all the power to cancel sessions when I want to, and you want some of that power too?" And that was it, even though I didn't realize it til she said it. So I said yes. And then she said "OK, I'll see you when I get back." And that's what happened.

She is away right now and it really sucks.

Thanks WePow, Skeksi, Fartraveler. I hope I can process this and work this through over the next two weeks, because that's how long it will be until I can see him again because I can't have my usual Monday morning session when he gets back on the 22nd. That's the one he took away from me.
I hate when I do stupid things that I don't think through all the way. Although it does help to know I'm not the only one who's done this!
And it's so hard when different parts have entirely different reactions. Angry teens who felt it was thoroughly unfair of him to enforce consequences, frightened little parts who just wanted to "be good" when he gets back so he's not mad, and some relatively mature adult parts who understand that it wasn't a good decision to miss my session today and who recognize that it wasn't fair to our T either... this stuff is so complicated, and I still have SO much trouble with impulse control... it's frustrating and exhausting.
I miss my T. It does suck, Fartraveler. And it feels like FOREVER until he'll be back.