[granite1]

i have been in therapy for about 6 months and i am totally afraid of saying anything.i walk through the door and i cant hardly say a word.i just cant talk for so many reasonsthings in my life are reaching a real bad point and i cant seem to say anything about it or anything.she knows i have a hard time talking so we just sit.but i dont really even get uncomfortable doing that i just disapear in my head and next she is telling me our time is up.i had my chance.she asked me if i needed help talking and i shook my head NO can you believe it i am dying to know how she would help me.i dont think she has any idea how bad tings are for me because i cant tell her i dont say anythingand then things get worse.god i really need to be able to talk to her soon things are out of controle.any ideas.notes dont work she will want me to read them i just cant talk i dont think i can send her an e mail IDK what to do.

[Luce]

Hi. That sounds so hard. I've kinda been there.

You've been going to this same T for six months, even though you haven't said much of anything, so that's a good start. It means you WANT to be there, and you are probably hoping that one day you WILL be able to start talking.
I think it's also a good start that she is willing to sit with you in silence, for session after session. That shows she's okay with being in that space with you, and respects where you're at.

I am wondering if a starting point might be simply getting you 'there' in that room instead of disappearing. One way of doing that might be to take a simple board game in with you for you and her to play together. It sounds stupid, I know, but DOING something together creates a common space between you where you are meeting and interacting, but at a totally non-threatening level. What you choose to do could be anything - looking at a book, talking about a topical issue, drawing, showing her photos - whatever you can think of. One time my T and I went through her bookcase, checking out all her books. When it wasn't safe to talk about me, it was helpful to begin to engage with her about SOMETHING, no matter what.

Another way my T and I used to interact when I couldn't speak was by scribbling notes to each other on a notepad. I would write 'hi' and she would write 'hey you' or whatever back, and we'd go from there. It didn't open the floodgates or anything, but it was a way of making a simple human connection instead of sitting there in my head, miles away from her.

So for what it's worth, that's my idea. Get creative. Take a totally differnt path. If talking about you is just TOO HARD, side step the block and try to start talking about something else... and if that is too hard, try playing a game of snap or chess in silence.

Best wishes to you. It sounds really scary and hard.
Baby steps.

[ECHOES]

It's okay to sit and be quiet. I did that a lot in the beginning and sometimes still do (like last week) after 3 years. We talk about talking being hard, about how it's related to trust, and to the feelings about 'being myself' with other people.

When you go back, could you tell her that you thought about her asking if you need help with talking, and now you are wondering how she could do that? Could you also tell her how frustrating it feels when you want to talk, but you can't?

Say whatever is on your mind, including discomfort about being not able to say more.
Be patient and kind to yourself and know that it will come in time.

[granite1]

i was thinking about bringing in some scrapbook i have creatd and show her some pic and stuff.scrapbooking is ahobby of mine and i am totally comfortable with it maby it would atleat get me saying something more than a sentance

[Luce]

Granite, I think taking in a scrapbook is an absolutely awesome idea. From what you've written it seems like talking at all in therapy is extremely hard for you, so showing a scrapbook may be a great way to start opening up. Don't pressure yourself to talk about anything difficult - maybe just focus on taling about you are showing her, whether it be photos or the scrapbook or whatever.
Talking will get easier with time. Keep at it.

[WePow]

I like the scrapbook idea! Sometimes pictures can say what we can not describe. Just do not give up on getting the help you need. Keep fighting for yourself.

[ECHOES]

Good idea, granite
You can show her part of you that way.

Back when I could not speak much, I took a picture of me when I was 2, in a frilly dress (Easter?) and sucking on my fingers (no thumb for me--I chose my middle 2 fingers). We talked about it for part of the session. I wonder now if I took it because I wanted to show her how vulnerable I was feeling, like a little 2 year old.

Let us know how it goes, if you care to share that!

[granite1]

IDK if its going to work im already in a panic over it and it is only friday.god i really am such a failure i should be able to do something so simple.it isnt like it is a horrable place to go and awful things happen to me or anything

[ECHOES]

What is it about it that brings up panicky feelings, do you think?

[granite1]

in all my years of therapy in the past i have never talked about how things really were for me.i mean my therapists knew all about abuse and stuff and they would ask me about it i would give one word answers.i had awsom ways to avoid.behaviors mostly that would need to be dealt with instead of feelings.so i never talk about it.EVER!! i really feel if i speak my world will just crash out of controle.god i go over a thousand possable outcomes and none are good it is totally paralizing.im good at it for so many years she cant even trick me.so i sit in silence for the whole session.it isnt uncomfortable because i get so paniced i check out .i didapear in my head and next my time is up although last session i was accually thare for the last few and it was all i could do to not run out i tried and she stopped me and told me i still had time and so i checked out again.im just terrified.

[chaotic13]

Granite,
Working through my inability to speak was, awful. Sorry but I am so glad I'm not in the... brain goes totally blank, frozen vocal cord, some one sitting on my chest, and if I even try to say that word I'm going to puke...stage anymore. ((((Hugs))))

I was very fortunately that my T, although she wanted me to talk about things, was able to help me by supporting other modes of communication. Writing, drawing, emailing, talking about things, letting me back out of topics when I need to.

All I can recommend is that you just try ANYTHING you can think of to communicate (any mode) at least one or two things about your experience to your T. I've done some wacky things to try to move myself forward. During one early session, I set my cell phone alarm to a crazy ring in the middle of my T session. Since my phone is usually on vibrate both my T and I about jump out of our skin when it broke the silence. When I open the phone the alarm message say, "stop f'ing around and tell her about x!" After laughing at the interruption I told my T what I had done. I don't think I actually told her about X that day but I did say something and certainly I communicated to my T that I was really struggling.

My point is in therapy, trying does count. If you have a good T she will meet you where you are and help you from there.

[Fartraveler]

I still struggle with this. I agree with the others -- other ways of communicating may work better.

For me, sitting there with her makes talking nearly impossible. (And it's been years!) For me, phone sessions are a lot more productive. They seem safer, somehow. Email is good, too. I can email as much as I want, and she only responds if I specifically ask her to.

Maybe write something down and hand it to her? (For a long time, even leaving phone messages, I had to write down what I was going to say beforehand, and then read it out loud.)

Don't worry too much about this problem though, because it's not unusual. It's just something (one more thing!) to work through.

Good luck,
-Far

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by granite1

in all my years of therapy in the past i have never talked about how things really were for me.i mean my therapists knew all about abuse and stuff and they would ask me about it i would give one word answers.i had awsom ways to avoid.behaviors mostly that would need to be dealt with instead of feelings.so i never talk about it.EVER!! i really feel if i speak my world will just crash out of controle.god i go over a thousand possable outcomes and none are good it is totally paralizing.im good at it for so many years she cant even trick me.so i sit in silence for the whole session.it isnt uncomfortable because i get so paniced i check out .i didapear in my head and next my time is up although last session i was accually thare for the last few and it was all i could do to not run out i tried and she stopped me and told me i still had time and so i checked out again.im just terrified.

It is okay to be where you are. It is the only place you can be. That's what we take to therapy.

If you could bring up what you wrote here in therapy, it could help your therapist see where you are. Not to trick you, to respect and honor your feelings and fears, to sit with you, to reassure you, to hear you. You can talk part of a session and sit quietly the rest. That's okay too.

You reveal yourself at your own pace. You talk about what you want to talk about at any given moment, and change the subject at any time.

It sounds like it's very hard to think of revealing any part of you, including your hobby. That's okay.

It's where you are right now and that is okay. And it is also okay to talk a bit about it if it frustrates you.