I don't know how to do this...

Grief. I know there's no right way or wrong way, but I'm trying to make sense of all the conflicting feelings, and it's so hard. I've never felt such deep-rooted pain before, immediately followed by such great relief, moments of joy. moments of total numbness.

Things are foggy and things are clear. My heart is breaking and my heart is full. I feel alone and I feel held and supported.

So much of what I read about grief has to do with losing a loved one and honoring their memory...I'm grieving something I never really had to begin with. How do you do that?

just like your doing now <3.

Same as you do with anything you did have. Going through the griving is about letting go and emotional healing. It is about honoring your feelings. There are 5 stages of grief.

(((((((((((((griffin))))))))))))))

You ARE doing it.

I do think we have to grieve the things we never had. I think for me, when I allow myself to do that, the empty place inside gets smaller, and the feeling of being full and loved gets bigger.

For me, I think it's about acceptance too. When I can REALLY accept that I will never be able to go back and get the things I missed out on, it helps me sort of be where I am right now. And when I can be present in Now, then I have an easier time forgiving and accepting MYSELF, and opening myself up to the love that I *can* have.

Hang in there. This is how we heal

Tree said it! You really are doing it! I know - it is an odd experience to feel that. But the joy is the result of you allowing yourself to process through the trauma. The body and mind MUST process these things. It will encapsulate the pain until it feels safe enough to vent it. Once the pain is vented, the result is that the mind and body will release happy chemicals to bring everything back to equal inside. You should be very proud of yourself for doing what you are doing.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) I'm sorry!!! That's a really difficult situation to be in! Just let yourself feel whatever it is you feel - all your feelings about it are valid and worthy of recognition, whatever they are and regardless of whether they seem right or wrong, logical or illogical - they're all right, and there's a reason for all of them, whether you know it or not.

Thank you, everyone.

Part of what is hard about this, I think, is walking around pretending like I'm not grieving...It's not like losing a loved one where everyone gives you license to grieve. I have a few friends who know at least part of my story and can support me, and there's T and my husband...but other than that, I'm not telling anyone about this pain.

So, to come here and tell it and get your support and validation is so helpful.

Thank you.

((((((((( griffin )))))))))) I understand what you just shared. And you are right, if you have a broken leg, no one questions why you need to walk into the ER. But society has a different way of looking at emotional pain. It is a shame that it is like that though because emotional pain is just as "real" as a broken bone.

Honor yourself during this time. Give yourself permission to experience your truth and your pain. That is the only way to process this. You can do it.