[granite1]

i had no therapy today and wont untill next monday because today is a holiday.i had so much go on this week from the moment i walked out of my session last week.AND I MISSED GOING.whats wrong with me i dont talk i just sit thare in zobie land as my T stares at me.so much has gone on for me this week that i was totally gone in my head i mean just gone not here.going through the motions.totally just getting through with no feelings or nothingTOTAL GRANITE with my beast friends son committing sui i had no choice but to just go numb and do what needed to get done.sat was funeral and now i am feeling again and OMG i cant deal im scared.Im so agitated,angry,tired,board,anoyed.again i woke up today with a head filled with ****.all kinds of stupid ****,same with going to sleep last night.I have untill next monday to hold on and what for ill go to therapy and i will sit in that damn ****ing chair and not say a word.but i will love the calmness of it.i dont know what to do i dont know what to even say here to help .thing just suck so bad.no i wont write her a letter!!!i cant call,or send E mail or anything. im even angry about that at this poin also, but dont know why. what am i gonna do call and not say anything.i guess the silence would clue her in on who it was anyway.anyone ever notice that we have a hell of a lot of holidays on monday!!!! my husband is driving me crazy with his constant vigel on me and what i am doing and how i am doing.I want him to leave me the **** alone.i am what i am and he isnt little mini T and going to do any thing to fix it all so GO away.god at this point i would just commit SUI just to get away from his bugging me

[pachyderm]

Is there something you can think of to do to find a place of calm, not necessarily a physical place, a place to shortcircuit the anxiety, something that you like, that makes you feel better? Change the situation? Good feelings are good for you and you deserve them as much as anybody...

[Kiya]

all i can offer - safe hugs if you want them... ***granite***

[Sannah]

Granite, I'm sorry. How unfortunate about your best friend's son. Can you express your feelings to your husband that you need some space?

[granite1]

im doing a bit better today because he is at work and only 6 more days untill therapy again.but i dont seem to want to go as bad i guess it is a case of wanting what i cant have.i read a lot about how close you all are to you T and sometimes wish i could be that close with mine but hey it is what is is .isnt it?

[Sannah]

I wasn't that close to my T's. Granite, you can work through this and you can get closer to your T. It is one step at a time. Find first barrier and problem solve to get around it. You know what your first barrier is and you can problem solve to get around it. It is what it is until you change it. You are not powerless Granite, even though this is what you were taught..........

[Perna]

It can take time to get close to one's T; I saw mine for 9 years and then didn't for another 9 years then saw her again; it was only the second time that I got close to her.

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed. Can you figure out something that would make you feel better like pachyderm said? I use to lose myself in books when I was that unhappy.

[peaches100]

(((((Granite)))))

So sorry you're feeling this bad! I'll bet the funeral Saturday was really triggering for you. It's rotten luck that a holiday happens to fall right when you were scheduled for your session. Are you not allowed to call or email your t? Or you just don't feel comfortable doing it because you don't know what to say? Could you just say, "I'm really struggling with alot of things right now. It would help if you would . . .(leave me a short message back) or (give me some tips on how to cope until my session) or (let me know if you have a cancellation or an earlier appointment available?) or whatever it is that you would like from your t that would help you.

[granite1]

thanks i seem to be a bit put back together today i have never emailed my therapist or called her.she has never told me i could and i never asked.i feel if she was going to allow me to she would have told me that these were options.i sent her a letter in the mail once and never again will i do that. i seem to be able to deal reasonably well on my own without that support. the worst thing i do is just totally shut down any ability to feel anything and just do what i do ,hardly a big crisis.although it is hard.i dont think i would ever use it anyway.i also wouldnt be surprised if another reason for her not allowing that option would be that it would keep me from talking in therapy.and she would be right.maby some day she will if i am able to say more than a few words in a therapy session