[ancientlog]

I have been with my T for just a little over four years, and had erotic transference issues lately. I told him vaguely and found myself unable to move forward with this discussion. I talk about everything but not this topic. He doesn't force me to discuss anything that I am not comfortable discussing either, which I respect. So, now it turns out that I have reached a rut with him. So recently feeling highly overwhelmed I went to another T to discuss the transference issue. I am not going to have the new T permanently of course, but I just needed to speak to someone new to let it all out. Now I am feeling very guilty about "cheating" on my existing T. If you guys are ready to tell me that I need to talk about the transference openly, then please know how hard it is. I am sure everyone here can relate to this. This is not what I can do now.

But should I feel bad for cheating on T?

[ECHOES]

No, you are doing what you need to do.
Calling it cheating brings in the fantasy relationship.
You are working on the obstacle you have with your regular T, by consulting the other T. So that you can get back to your regular T.

It sounds like you are doing what you need to do.

[ancientlog]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

No, you are doing what you need to do.
Calling it cheating brings in the fantasy relationship.
You are working on the obstacle you have with your regular T, by consulting the other T. So that you can get back to your regular T.

It sounds like you are doing what you need to do.

Thanks, and I agree with you, but on the other hand I was thinking my seeing another T to work on important issues is a bad sign--meaning it shows how I really cannot connect with my usual T, or that perhaps my usual T is not doing a great job.

Thanks again for your insight and support.

[googley]

When things come up sometimes the best thing to do when there is a problem is to get a consultation with another T. When I worked at a hospital there were a group of specific Ts working on consultations with Ts and clients. But you don't need to have both the T and the client involved to get the consultation done.

[Rozine]

Hi,

How did you go talking to the other T was it useful? Did the T offer any useful suggestions?

Should you feel guilty? No-one can tell you how to feel. Was it awkward because you'd really liked to have discussed it with your 'first' T but just couldn't or it seemed risky. The great thing is that you figured out a way of dealing with that - good for you! Be gentle with yourself you will get there in the end.

[Perna]

The way you feel is generally why one is not supposed to have two T's; it's just confusing and can cause you to feel guilty, etc. I did that once; my T was away for a really long time (2-3 months) so I hired another, online T for a completely separate, almost non-psychological (a recurring dream theme) purpose. But, when my T got back, I still had the online T and it was awkward "firing" her.

We can only work one-on-one. So no matter what, having two T's will be confusing because one can't know where/how to focus and get continuity. I would tell your T you saw the other T and why but not yet discuss your erotic feelings in detail with him yet if you don't want to. But perhaps this whole experience will be a help to you (since you were a little able to talk about them to someone else) and get you started more in a direction you ultimately want to go?

[fieldofdreams]

I found it interesting that you chose the word "cheating" to describe seeing another T in response to being unable to deal with your erotic feelings toward your regular T. Maybe your decision to see another T really was straightforward because you needed another perspective, but it's also possible that you are unconsciously replaying something from your past. Maybe, like Perna said, this experience can set the stage for further discussion with your own T at a pace that's not too uncomfortable for you.

[Thimble]

It is ironic I came across this thread just as I was going to start a thread called "missing my previous t"....

I had two t's for a good 8 months. I was having trouble in in person therapy so I "hired" an online t as well....my online t helped me to deal with interacting with my in person t...and my in person t helped me to deal with my "issues". I felt guilty about not telling in person t about online t - and finally told her after about 6 months. She felt hurt and betrayed and wasn't going to keep seeing me. I finally got her to let me stay (with conditions) but the relationship was never the same. She didn't "trust" me after that. Yes...the t didn't trust ME....vs ME not trusting the t....the reverse situation of normal!

My online t told me I had nothing to feel guilty about - people see t's for couples therapy, different t's for individual therapy, doctors for meds....ie lots of different professionals. My online t talked about the issue of "confusion" with multiple t's and just recommended if one said something that directly conflicted the other, it would be in my best interest to let the other t know of the conflicting opinions so it could be discussed.

All that said, because I felt the in person t relationship never recovered from my "betrayal" by seeing and revealing I had an online t, I ended that in person t relationship. Personally, I wish I had never told in person t the truth...because having two t's gave me the support I needed. And as I started out saying, I really really miss my in person t. I wish I had not destroyed that relationship. I still have my online t - and that t continues to help me and is extremely important in my life, but online t can't replace what I got from having a second, other t. (And I am not referring to the online vs in person factor here because that became a non-issue).

I guess if I was going to give advice, I would say ....I'm not sure. Tell or don't tell? I don't want to relate it to "having an affair when you are married" and telling or not telling....all I can do is share my experience. I hope it helped in some way.