[fieldofdreams]

As some of you know, I have a "dual identity" as both a survivor and an abuser. I don't like that word, and I would love to distance myself from it as much as possible, preferring instead to use a phrase like "someone who occasionally struggles with some abusive behavior." It wouldn't be any less true, but it is less personal, and quite honestly I would like it to be less personal. But if it's less personal, I identify with it less. And I can't afford to do that if I want to change and become a better person. It has to be personal; it has to be in my face for awhile just like being a survivor is personal and in my face. Neither identity defines me as a whole, and my hope is that through therapy they will not define me for eternity, but they are both currently a part of who I am. I don't like it, but it's reality, and wishing it away won't work.
I don't want to get into a debate here over research and statistics concerning whether or not abusers can change. That's not why I'm here. I'm here not as a statistic but as a real person, someone you can communicate with, someone who struggles with many of the same therapy-related issues you do as fellow survivors. I go through intense periods of both positive and negative transference, I feel lost and abandoned when my therapist goes on vacation, I wish he could take me home with him on weekends, and I get upset and angry when he doesn't give me something I think I need from him. I'm sure those issues sound familiar to many of you.
But I have an additional set of issues that probably make some or many of you uncomfortable. Some of you may even wish that I would disappear and never return. I understand that. But I'm here because I need support for my therapy-related issues just like you do. I'm here because I want to give support to others by sharing what I've learned in therapy myself. I'm here because I need a place to belong, a place to fit in, a place where I can share the joys of therapy (yes, there are some!) as well as the pain.
And so I'd like to ask you to give me the same chance to fit in as you gave me before you knew of my dual identity. You may see me differently now, but I'm still the same person that I was when I posted here 3 days ago, 3 weeks ago, and 3 months ago. What's different is what you know about me. What's different is that what you know about me might make me a little more real in ways that make you uncomfortable. But just like you, I can't heal if I'm desperately trying to hide a part of who I am. I can't change my own behavior if I pretend it doesn't exist. And when I intentionally omit a part of who I am as I interact with you, then I'm not being fair to you, either. I'm here for a chance to heal, a chance to be real. And isn't that why we're all here?

i think you may want to read the community guidelines. certain types of abusers are not even allowed on this site. if you fall into that category then it's unfortunate but you really need to abide by the guidelines.

After 2 threads were closed, do you think that this post was appropriate?
Don't you think it would be better to just post as needed instead of drawing attention to the fact that you are an abuser?

Actually, you are baiting people.
You could simply bring up your therapy issues like everyone else, without announcing that you are an abuser...because alot of people may not have read those initial threads choosing to avoid them because they had trigger warnings with the word "offender" in them.

You are baiting and I will respond, because it is NOT about getting support because you could have done so without telling everyone you are an abuser.

There may be other people who have abused that are here, but they have the decency to respect that most people on this forum have suffered abuse and are trying to heal from it. They don't reveal "hey I am an abuser and I want your support."

What is your real purpose?

[fieldofdreams]

I asked if I could be here, and I was told that I can. I'm here to post about the same therapy-related issues as everyone else. The reason I posted this was because it was already revealed in the other threads and I thought it was more respectful to ask for a chance rather than to assume I'm still welcome here.

Thank you Bloom. Here are the guidelines....

I think it is clear. Straight from the guidelines.

Pedophiles, rapists, and others that have abused another individual physically, emotionally or sexually (whether imagined, real, acted-upon or not, and/or convicted), are not welcomed here because our focus is on support for victims of such abuse. The two are not compatible with one another.

Originally Posted by fieldofdreams

I asked if I could be here, and I was told that I can. I'm here to post about the same therapy-related issues as everyone else.

who said it's okay for you to be here? doc john?

[fieldofdreams]

An administrator.

Well, I think it is wrong. The guidelines state...

.....and YOU HAVE ANNOUNCED OVER AND OVER AND OVER that you are an abuser.

You keep drawing attention to it. Are there other abusers here?..., sure, probably. It is the internet, but they are NOT drawing attention to their behaviors.

Read the guidelines. It is very clear. And instead of respecting that people are healing here and are looking for a safe place, you keep announcing you are an abuser.

You could have let it dropped, but you didn't. You announced it again with this post.

You keep raising the issue. People are concerned.

And I will continue to state:
ABUSE OF A CHILD is 100% WRONG. - There is NOOO justifying or excusing making that choice..

This forum is not a place to get support for your abusive behaviors.

field, i personally don't have a problem with you being here, but i think the community would need to hear it from doc john or the administrators. i've just sent the mods a report.

[fieldofdreams]

I understand, Bloom.

Well, lets see.

If we have a person who is ADMITTING to being an abuser several times, but the guidelines are not going to matter, than why have them?

Why?

I emailed them all too.
And copied the guidelines that they wrote.

You Field of Dreams could have let it drop and laid low on announcing that. You CHOOSE not to.

Pedophiles, rapists, and others that have abused another individual physically, emotionally or sexually (whether imagined, real, acted-upon or not, and/or convicted), are not welcomed here because our focus is on support for victims of such abuse. The two are not compatible with one another.

[fieldofdreams]

I didn't want people to feel that I was barging in on them if they were too uncomfortable with me being here. Asking seemed more respectful to me than continuing to post as though nothing had ever happened.

[deliquesce]

field, i still feel compassion for you and respect that you want to heal both parts of yourself. that takes tremendous strength and courage.
jmo, but many people have described violent fantasies here on PC and they haven't been asked to leave. some people have explicitly described rather abusive behaviour also, especially in the context of substance abuse/intimate relationships. ive benefitted from our previous interactions a lot and i'd be sad if you were no longer welcome here.
i do believe we all need a place to learn and gain support. without knowing the nature of what you do i guess it does make me feel a bit unsafe and i can guess that others here would feel unsafe also, regardless of whether admin okayed it or not. i do hope if you stick around that PC is still useful (and safe) for you and others here. if not, maybe finding a forum specifically for abuse might be useful for you to continue getting support. many abuse-specific support forums also have areas where members can discuss and get support on stopping the cycle. if i can think of any specifically i will send you a pm, but the first one that comes to mind is rather triggering for me and i wouldnt want to send anyone else there either.

[pachyderm]

I don't feel baited or threatened by fieldofdreams. I sense an honorable person. I don't know the details of any "abuse" but so far as I do know, if she does not fit, I wonder if I do. Are we going to divide up into those who fit and those who don't?

Hm. There are guidelines for a reason. Period. Many people have read this post and your other posts and are afraid to say anything because they are afraid of conflict, I have received PMs.

I am not afraid of conflict and I am not afraid to state what is right.

FOD - You are once again justifying your behavior. The guidelines are clear that this is a support forum for people healing from abuse and abusers are not allowed.

Pedophiles, rapists, and others that have abused another individual physically, emotionally or sexually (whether imagined, real, acted-upon or not, and/or convicted), are not welcomed here because our focus is on support for victims of such abuse. The two are not compatible with one another.


You are justifying your posting/behaviors "I didn't want people to feel---"

No -- you did not care about how people felt. You cared about yourself, because you broke the guidelines by joining and then purposely admitted over and over that you are an abuser making many people uncomfortable. Then when the posts were CLOSED, you posted it again. No-one else continued it, but you.

And the people supporting your staying, there are RULES for a reason. Why have them, if we don't want people to follow them? This person lied about who they were initially and now is telling you the truth.

That should concern you.

To those people PMing me -- keep reporting.

Originally Posted by pachyderm

I don't feel baited or threatened by fieldofdreams. I sense an honorable person. I don't know the details of any "abuse" but so far as I do know, if she does not fit, I wonder if I do. Are we going to divide up into those who fit and those who don't?

Pedophiles, rapists, and others that have abused another individual physically, emotionally or sexually (whether imagined, real, acted-upon or not, and/or convicted), are not welcomed here because our focus is on support for victims of such abuse. The two are not compatible with one another.

Well, if your behavior is abusive, then you are against the guidelines as well. The difference though, and I don't know you, is that you have NOT sat there and thrown it in the faces of survivors over and over that you are an abuser.

Is that right or wrong? Dunno. But what I do know, is that again, you guys are justifying behavior. Ironic. Because the rules are clear and you are CHOOSING to break them.....

[zooropa]

I'm just a little concerned about those guidelines...so if you have ever imagined punching someone in the face, you are not welcome here?

Originally Posted by zooropa

I'm just a little concerned about those guidelines...so if you have ever imagined punching someone in the face, you are not welcome here?

Oh comon. Are you kidding me?

Go ahead and support. That is what you are doing by driving the issue away from the fact that this person announced they are an abuser over and over.

You let one person who states he/she is an abuser onto PC and clearly has scared therapists and been involved in behaviors that are abusive, you minus well open the gates to all the "offenders" to talk about their issues here.

Good luck with that.
You think your discussions will feel safe? Will you enjoy reading what an "offender" did to someone else and how they now need support from PC because it was a hard session to discuss it.

That is what you will get.... go ahead. Open those doors.

[purple_fins]

I know of some that have been drunk in front of their children(not me but I know of some)-- that could be considered emotional abuse-- so should they NOT be allowed to be members here?
what about anyone that tried at SU-- while in the position of dependents-- that could also result in emotional abuse for their child/children.....
what about a child that sees the self-harm that the father or mother committed on themself-- that too could result in abuse for the child.

there were instances where the mother didn't hurt outright-- but the result WAS emotional abuse. Some people can be VERY manipulative as to how they abuse.......
how can we know if half the people posting here haven't abused another person in some way??

maybe it's a - "don't ask- don't tell" situation?

I'm just confused by what seems to be "witch hunting".... .......
I feel quite scared by anyone that truly believes they've never hurt anyone-- *sigh*-- sounds so so much like - the mother...... she NEVER did anything wrong..... *sigh*...... she was always innocent (along with a few males that I was abused by-- they NEVER hurt anyone)

fins

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Moosetracks

Oh comon. Are you kidding me?

Go ahead and support. That is what you are doing by driving the issue away from the fact that this person announced they are an abuser over and over.

You let one person who states he/she is an abuser onto PC and clearly has scared therapists and been involved in behaviors that are abusive, you minus well open the gates to all the "offenders" to talk about their issues here.

Good luck with that.
You think your discussions will feel safe? Will you enjoy reading what an "offender" did to someone else and how they now need support from PC because it was a hard session to discuss it.

That is what you will get.... go ahead. Open those doors.

Moosetracks, you might need to calm down. I asked my question with no sarcasm. As purplefins points out, there are all kinds of abuse, and if the definition stretches even to "imagined" abuse, who is not guilty of that, if even just in the form a fleeting thought of violence?

I'm not even talking about fieldofdreams and his/her personal situation. I am not familiar with it at all and am unaware of the specifics. I was just asking a legitimate question: where does the line get drawn?

[serafim_etal]

I don't have a problem with you being here or with anything I have seen you post Field. I also note that your definition of what constitutes abusive behavior is not the same as other peoples' (I also believe SI can be abusive to others). I also believe it is up to the administration to decide exactly how and when guidelines will be enforced (not new members)...and they are GUIDELINES, not punitive law!

It seems that one specific person has taken aim at you, and does not even realize that their CURRENT BEHAVIOR towards you is abusive, and that is unfortunate. Hopefully the moderators and admins are taking note of that.

Originally Posted by purple_fins

I know of some that have been drunk in front of their children(not me but I know of some)-- that could be considered emotional abuse-- so should they NOT be allowed to be members here?
what about anyone that tried at SU-- while in the position of dependents-- that could also result in emotional abuse for their child/children.....
what about a child that sees the self-harm that the father or mother committed on themself-- that too could result in abuse for the child.

there were instances where the mother didn't hurt outright-- but the result WAS emotional abuse. Some people can be VERY manipulative as to how they abuse.......
how can we know if half the people posting here haven't abused another person in some way??

maybe it's a - "don't ask- don't tell" situation?

I'm just confused by what seems to be "witch hunting".... .......
I feel quite scared by anyone that truly believes they've never hurt anyone-- *sigh*-- sounds so so much like - the mother...... she NEVER did anything wrong..... *sigh*...... she was always innocent (along with a few males that I was abused by-- they NEVER hurt anyone)

fins

witch-hunting?

this person posted the thread after two others announcing he/she was an abuser.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Moosetracks

Oh comon. Are you kidding me?

Go ahead and support. That is what you are doing by driving the issue away from the fact that this person announced they are an abuser over and over.

You let one person who states he/she is an abuser onto PC and clearly has scared therapists and been involved in behaviors that are abusive, you minus well open the gates to all the "offenders" to talk about their issues here.

Good luck with that.
You think your discussions will feel safe? Will you enjoy reading what an "offender" did to someone else and how they now need support from PC because it was a hard session to discuss it.

That is what you will get.... go ahead. Open those doors.

You are allowed to speak for yourself, Moosetracks. You are welcome, I think, to tell about how you feel. Would that not be more direct?

Originally Posted by serafim_etal

I don't have a problem with you being here or with anything I have seen you post Field. I also note that your definition of what constitutes abusive behavior is not the same as other peoples' (I also believe SI can be abusive to others). I also believe it is up to the administration to decide exactly how and when guidelines will be enforced (not new members)...and they are GUIDELINES, not punitive law!

It seems that one specific person has taken aim at you, and does not even realize that their CURRENT BEHAVIOR towards you is abusive, and that is unfortunate. Hopefully the moderators and admins are taking note of that.

abusive?

no, i am scared and so are others. but i am not afraid to take a stand and make a point.

i have not called the person a name, i have not attacked the person directly--- i have restated the facts of the behaviors and what the guidelines are and summarized over and over..

I originally dropped the issue after the other 2 threads were closed. This person started it again, when it was clear that the threads were closed for this reason. -- re "offenders"

and why the admins have not responded is beyond me.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Moosetracks

and why the admins have not responded is beyond me.

I think it takes some time, probably they are discussing it amongst themselves and not everyone is always online at the same time.