If I contradict you..

I found myself not wanting to go this coming Friday, because its the last session for a week. After 6yrs a week isn't a long break from T now, but today I still felt all those feelings I push away rise back up again and this happened at work, I wanted to cry and yet again pushed it all down again, but played the thoughts over and over in my mind, if T cared she wouldnt be going, and the anger in my chest thinking about it and I thought about T and thought even if I protested at how painful it is for to take time off she would do what she normally does and smile gently and simply say "yes", and I dont want to hear that because it feels as if she doesn't care, but then I have to keep thinking over the whole relationship and I know intellectually she cares and I know if I continue to protest and tell her she doesn't care, she'd say that she can't contradict me because the belief is so planted in my head.

I think today I felt the first painful unwinding of the planting, its hard to see that I can't be contradicted, I find it so painful having my twisted beliefs challanged, I thiink this is one of the hardest parts of therapy, having your twisted beliefs contradicted and confronted and coming to find whats real, even if whats real isn't how I want it to be. I guess this is how young children learn that their mothers are the ones that feed them, hug them, and also take time out and still be the same person, I find it hard to see this in anyone, I feel like A baby sucking mothers breast and refusing to wait whilst she changes breast.

What's real could be better than what you want it to be right now, in ways that you have not imagined.

Yes Patchy, and It proberbly is, T doesn't turn the protesting back on me, she acknowledges my pain, but the memory of being shamed is so strong, I just can't seem to remember T isn't that sort of person. I'm begining to think I have some sort of frontal lobal damage where I keep getting reasurance from T, but I just can't "hold" onto it.

Join the crowd!

Melba, I could never hold onto the reassurance either. My T said it's actually pretty common with survivors. Lots of times we desperately want to hear it but the words only stick with us for a little while. Time -- sometimes LOTS of time -- in therapy, where we get the same consistent messages not only through words but also through the ways our T's treat us, helps to rewire our brains so eventually we know it and feel it more consistently.

FOD, Thanks yes, My T said something like that once also, about how if I imagine myself like a house that is being rewired and the old switch is still there on the wall but no longer controls the light, but the new switch next to it does.

But man-oh-man, all those electricians going in and out of my mind are driving me mad LOL!

Lol I'm picturing little pac-man type guys scooting around in our brains...