[Kiya]

I was reading this group hand out at 2am and was kinda shocked, alarmed, and triggered. Think about your death, visualize it, now what is after it? what is life like with it? We were all kinda weirded out by this. Today some guy commented on it in group and she said we'd talk about it. At the end, she nearly didn't and i asked her to explain! She said "has anyone in here thought about their death?" 4 of us raised hands and I heard myself say "only every day!" and then put my hands over my mouth. She said "let's do this excercise together then, kiya" but i was like "is this a positive... a negative...?" She moved on to someone else lol. The T even told us hers. She didn't think the excercise was a difficult thing @_@ boy did we all prove her wrong!
It really weirded me out... as i already deal with sui ideation all the time. but i guess what she was saying is that to live fully, sometimes something in us has to die (like a shaman thing). but still, it weirded me out.

I did some trauma work tonight on my own, and really had to excercise some caution around today's visualization.

[Melbadaze]

I struggle with facing up to my death fears, and try and gain mastery over it by my constant sui...they say this oeiginal fear, the fear of death is at the route of all our emotional problems. Perhaps talking about it is a way of freeing it, I'm nOt sure though.

A good friend of mine who is Buddhist went to a meditation retreat, and this is something they were to meditate on...the idea being that knowing how close death can be helps us to live more fully NOW. It made sense to me when she told me about it, but I feel like I've been too close to death in many ways to be comfortable with this right now.

I definitely think that assigning this kind of exercise in a therapy group requires a LOT of discussion. If it's too triggering, know that you are in charge and you don't *have* to do it.

[sunrise]

When my XH and I were in couples therapy, my T asked us each to do this. We were to visualize our death and our spouse's death (separately) and what would ensue--how would people react, who would be upset, who would be able to comfort, etc. I think he did this to try to show us that if we want our death to be a certain way, then we have to build now for that legacy. If we see in our death the consequences of how our life is now, and we don't like it, then we can do things now to change so that in our death, everything and everyone left behind will be as we would like it to be. I think it's quite a powerful exercise, and very positive. It can motivate you to change now, and give a far reaching goal, and help define today's actions in terms of the "legacy" you want to leave behind.

Kiya, I agree with treehouse--if this exercise is too triggering, you don't have to do it. Same goes for anything in therapy.

[Perna]

I think we do tend to get a "story" going in our heads about death and don't really check it out. My worst time of being suicidal, I was pulled up short because I was saved by making a dentist appointment in the future. Can't be late/a no show for a dentist appointment! LOL. It got me to think harder about how my thinking affected my behaviors and other thoughts and how death "fit in" as part of my lifespan.

[Kiya]

thinking on this more, i guess at least one thing that has to "die off" is my constant worry that i'll get so overwhelmed i'll sui. I always think doing trauma work will put me over the top.
I also tend to use sui as a "back door" option on life... that probably needs to die off too. But then I also realized that I'm afraid to truly grasp life fully because I expect that if/when I do, I'll get death as a bachlash; either murdered, killed in an accident, or a terminal health proclamation.
Weird, eh?

Originally Posted by Kiya

I also realized that I'm afraid to truly grasp life fully because I expect that if/when I do, I'll get death as a bachlash; either murdered, killed in an accident, or a terminal health proclamation.
Weird, eh?

SO not weird. That's one of the (many) reasons it took me so long to finally start therapy....I figured what's the point of working on feeling better? And why I haven't done SO many things (until recently) - visit a naturopath and chiropractor, get my HAIR CUT, take vitamins, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. Because I always really felt like something terrible would happen to me, and then whats the point of even trying? I *think* that is a PTSD symptom? (not sure)

I'm trying to let myself really believe that the journey, not the destination, is what's important.

[Kiya]

Tree, thanks for 'normalizing' that for me - I really super needed that!!! I also keep forgetting that i realize this realization every 5 years or so - and already forgot, so glad to see the blurp reminding me! I didn't even think to mention it to t. Maybe I ought to email it to her.
(((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))))

[Typo]

Kiya I understand so well what you are saying

Treehouse I think you are right, one of the symptoms of PTSD is believing one will never have a normal life or lifespan, these feelings could defintly go under that catagorey

I feel this way a lot, I feel if I get better, of life gets going in a really good direction, then some disaster is going to happen, I'm going to die, or have something happen to me to ruin the good,

I think the excersice may have been trying to show death isn't a backlash either, and I like how you say it could be to have certain things "die off" such as having sui as a back door opiton to life, I had that too for many years.

err I hope my ramble made sense, I'm in an odd place today.

((((((((((Kiyacat))))))))))))))

[rainbow8]

Hey, I thought I was the only one who felt that way! I feel too like if I take the trouble to get mentally or physically healthy, and then I die anyway, what's the use? If I don't make life better, then dying won't be so much of a loss. If I "grasp life fully" as you said, and then I die right after, I'll feel cheated. It's not logical, but it is.

[Kiya]

Typo, Rainbow - it really is good to know we're all not alone in these thoughts. Maybe... just maybe we actually can have a full life... something to think about.