[rainbow8]

My session will finally be here tomorrow, the day I thought would never arrive. But now I'm more scared and embarrassed to see Kt than I've ever felt about any T in all my years of therapy. Maybe because I still don't know her well enough to trust her 100%, yet I have trusted her. I'm scared to be with her after last session. I'm scared something will happen. We're supposed to talk about the "Mommy stuff" but first I need reassurance from her, again, that she still wants to work with me. I'm afraid because now she understands how I react to Ts. How can I be there with her now? I'll either walk in and cry, which I've never done before in any therapy, or I'll push her away and have a lousy session. I don't want to have these strong feelings for her. I don't want anything to do with her. What should I do?

[lily99]

(((((rainbow))))))
I've only just started talking about the "mommy stuff" too. I completely understand the need for reassurance that she'll be there. T picked up in last session that whenever I'm going to start the next new, big thing that needs to be worked on, I spend a couple of sessions before going over how much I trust her, fears of rejection or abandonment etc.

Once it all comes out, yes it can be painfully hard and I cry a lot. But so far I've found the trust and liberating feeling that comes with being able to voice what is really going on deep inside of me (whether written or spoken) outweighs those uncomfortable sessions. And once it's all out there, I look back at them and cherish them, and they make me proud.

take care rainbow

[googley]

((((((Rainbow))))))

[peaches100]

Rainbow,

I know you're nervous. But it's going to be OK. If you need reassurance from your t that she still wants to work with you, ask for that reassurance. Ask her what she thinks/feels about what you've disclosed so far. Has it bothered her? I'm sure she has heard things like that before, and she will still be just as committed to helping you heal. Try not to imagine the worst. It's going to be just fine. It's a process, and you'll get there.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

How can I be there with her now? I'll either walk in and cry, which I've never done before in any therapy, or I'll push her away and have a lousy session. What should I do?

Walk in there and before you can convince yourself not to say it, just blurt out "I've never cried in therapy before please help me to continue and not stop it. " And say, "plese don't let me push you away today and have a lousy session, it's so important to me that that doesn't happen."

Gold stars to you for bravery, Rainbow.
I would be honored to ride in yr pocket if you want company.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, everyone. I'll be happy to have you in my pocket, SAWE. I'm going somewhere first, so I probably won't be back online until much later, but anyone else who wants to ride in my pocket, I'll be grateful.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thanks, everyone. I'll be happy to have you in my pocket, SAWE. I'm going somewhere first, so I probably won't be back online until much later, but anyone else who wants to ride in my pocket, I'll be grateful.

Whoopee, a field trip!! Can we go to the movies?

Will you buy us ice cream??

I'll take chocolate almond!!

[granite1]

rain i hope all went well for you today

i hope things go ok at your appointment and T reassures those parts that it is ok to feel like that.

good luck.

[rainbow8]

SAWE, that was so funny! Yum, ice-cream! I wish, but it wasn't anything that exciting. I love vanilla with caramel running through it, but I've got to go back to watching what I eat. You got to see my grandson, though! He's BETTER than ice-cream--much more yummy.

Thanks, Solar and granite1.

My session was okay, much different from last week's. My biggest problem is feeling disappointment when the session isn't intense. T says our goal in this therapy is to make my real life better so I don't want therapy to replace it. Those weren't her exact words, but that's the idea. I told her I was going to fight her on it. When I left I said I was disappointed and that's why I'm so weird, or something like that (I don't always remember exact words either me or T says) and she said "That's why you're here."

So, I left almost feeling like a Bt session because she's not going to "play my game" with me. She's going to head me back to reality over and over. Of course that's what her job is, and that's what is healthy, but it depresses me. Which gets me back to that's why I'm seeing her.

We talked about my mother but it was hard for me to access any feelings. But I did talk about both my parents and my feelings about them. I just didn't feel anything right there in the session. The "I want Mommy" turned into a discussion about me as a young married adult losing my mother, not about me as a child. She said if it were preverbal, there woldn't be any words to my image. So, I'm not sure where the "your needs weren't met as an infant" fits in. It's more like "you never separated from your mother until she died". We talked about how my Mom was always "there" except for my not confiding in her. Then she suggested doing a collage about her in my next session. She has studied art therapy. I posted in a separate thread about that.

In the beginning of the session, I brought up all my fears and she reassured me everything was okay. Something interesting to me was that she wasn't angry when I said I looked her family up online, but she told me she was scared. She was glad I was honest and told her, but that was her feeling. I feel strange knowing T was scared. That means she can be vulnerable too. I'm sorry I made her feel that way, but I'm not sorry she told me.

This therapy is going to be hard. I'm going over the same material as in my other therapies, but the methods are different. I guess I have to trust the process, right?

[WePow]

((((((((( rainbow )))))))) It sounds like you are doing the work for sure!! big hugs!

[peaches100]

Rainbow,

I like the sound of your t. She seems kind, yet honest and straightforward. I also think it's interesting that she was willing to tell you how your (online) behavior affected her. It might be good for you to have a t who will share her reactions with you, rather than being a blank slate and have you always wondering what she's thinking toward you. I've often wished my t would share more of her feelings/reactions toward me because it would help me understand how my behaviors affect people around me and/or how i come across to others.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, WePow. Some of my inspiration to work hard in therapy comes from you.

Peaches: Yes, I am liking Kt more and more! I have had so much conventional therapy that it is refreshing and helpful to have a new approach with IFS, EMDR, and now the art therapy. I am very lucky to have found Kt!

I've always had Ts who told me their reactions to me, ESPECIALLY Bt. I've never had a "blank slate" T. After all these years, do you think you could tell T that you would like some feedback from her about how you come across to her?

[Amazonmom]

Crying isn't the worst thing that could happen. I am incredibly stoic IRL, but when I am in therapy the crying starts.

It's okay to have the mommy issues, I have them myself with my T.



You seem to be making a lot of progress, good job!!!!

[rainbow8]

Amazon, I know crying is okay. I wish so badly that I COULD cry in therapy, but I just can't. Thanks for the hugs!