I had a less than productive session with my t today. I am so depressed right now that I've kind of shut down. Try as he might, getting me to think and talk just wasn't happenning today. He was definitely frustrated. I know he's concerned about me right now. He recommended that as I'm as shut down as I am, I should probably go into the hospital. If I don't now, he predicts I'll be there in a week unless something turns around for me pretty quickly. I'm not going though as I don't feel like I can leave my boys again (I just returned after being gone for 3 weeks). My husband doesn't handle separation well. That just pisses my t off actually because he sees me living my life for my husband instead of for myself. Yeah, lots of frustration today.

I'm not usually shut down during sessions, but I am having trouble accessing my thoughts and feelings because of the depression. I really hate depression.

sorry things are so hard for you right now and glad t is caring about you too! he seems to have your best interest at heart

i hate depression too. in the process of s l o w l y climbing out again, hang in there... you are not alone!safe hugs

[Melbadaze]

Predicting you should be in a hospital, tends to take away other options doesn't it? that perhaps you can get through this with his support and talking about it?? sort of like putting a thought into your mind?? Almost expressing that nothing outisde of hospital is strong enought to contain your pain? or he can't contain your pain?

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Predicting you should be in a hospital, tends to take away other options doesn't it? that perhaps you can get through this with his support and talking about it?? sort of like putting a thought into your mind?? Almost expressing that nothing outisde of hospital is strong enought to contain your pain? or he can't contain your pain?

No, I think he's being very realistic about the situation. I've already spent a weekend ODing on meds. Hospitalization is not a bad thing; I'd actually be relieved to go. But other factors are preventing me from making that decision; not going is a huge risk for me.

[Melbadaze]

I'm confused then, your title "T's frustration" should have read "T's realism"? I was taking the lead from your own take on his prediction, as he being frustrated and unable to deal with your depression?

Anyways, whatever, hope things improve, depresssion is a toughie, but not untreatable within a theraputic setting.

[WePow]

farmergirl, you have been through a lot lately. If you feel you need to go, please go. Do what you would want one of us to do. Big hugs to you!

[peaches100]

Farmergirl,

I'm sorry you are still feeling so rotten. I understand your reluctance to go back in the hospital. But really, if you're in bad shape, how much are you able to help your kids if you stay home? (Not trying to be mean, just asking.)

I know your husband doesn't handle separation well, but if you were to not go into the hospital and ended up committing sui, then he would really have some separation pain - as would the kids! So isn't it better for them to have the temporary separation necesary for you to get the care you need?

If your husband is capable of taking care of the kids while you're getting the help you need, i would encourage you to go into the hospital if you need to. They would still be allowed to call you and visit during visiting hours, right? So it would not be a complete separation. And it would only be a temporary one.

Please think about what YOU need.

((((((((((((Chris))))))))))))

You seem to like bluntness and honesty, so I am going to be blunt and honest!

From the OUTSIDE, I wonder if you are letting yourself be a bit of a martyr? Putting everyone's needs before your own while you slide slowly downhill?

I remember that last time you went to the hospital, you didn't let yourself go for quite a while - because your family needed you, your students needed you. But you finally went, and when you came back, it seemed like you had got just what you needed. You had regrouped, and you were ready to REALLY be there for your family and your students.

Believe me, I absolutely understand about wondering if it's okay to take time for myself because people need me. When T wanted me to go to the hospital a couple of years ago, I didn't go because I was scared of my husband's anger. I'm in a 12-step program, and it is hard for me to find the inner resolve to fight whatever battles I have to fight (with H and with myself) to go to the meetings. When I decided it wasn't worth it to fight those battles, I ended up relapsing. Now I try to remember that sometimes it is RIGHT to put my needs first, and taking care of my sobriety is one of those times.

It sounds like your T believes you will end up in the hospital sooner or later. What if you tell your kids and your H, "I want to be able to be here for you, and in order to do that, I have to take care of myself". You may be physically with them right now, but if you are slipping away into depression, how much are you *really* there?

Here is another way of looking at it. Your kids need you, yes. And part of what kids need are healthy examples of how to live life as an adult. When your kids are adults, if they are suffering from depression and their T recommends hospitalization, what would you want them to do? My guess is you would want them to value themselves enough to take care of themselves the way they deserve to be taken care of. What if you set an example of valuing YOURSELF enough to take care of yourself?

I'm sorry it's so hard right now, and believe me, I KNOW that this is all WAY easier said than done. Toss this post out if you need to, and just accept these ...but do know that you are WORTH getting whatever help you need.

If you're od'ing on meds around your kids then I think the hospital sounds like a good idea.

[Fartraveler]

Chris, do what you need to do. take care of yourself.

-Far

[skeksi]

I hope you feel better soon, farmergirl. I can tell you are hurting, and that's terrible to go through.

[eskielover]

If you are ODing on your meds it's probably that you aren't functional & not a good thing for your kids to have going on around them. You don't want them thinking that OD'ing is a positive coping skill.

I would think that for your good & your families good, that you would go to the hospital. I have been exactly where you are many times back in the 90's only my OD"s usually landed me in the hospital with no choice. Your ODing is a cry for help if not more......definitely a sign that you need a change, if nothing more than breaking the action of ODing....only the hospital can offer that......definitely a good idea the way I see your situation.

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

No, I think he's being very realistic about the situation. I've already spent a weekend ODing on meds. Hospitalization is not a bad thing; I'd actually be relieved to go. But other factors are preventing me from making that decision; not going is a huge risk for me.

Why are you fighting doing the right thing for you?
Something about your sister?
What is worth the risk to you?

My questions may not help. I want you to be safe and take care of your health. If the hospital is best, then go, get well, get out.

Just letting you know I'm still around. I see my t again tomorrow.

I hope you get some relief.

I OFTEN think about something you told me when I was trying to decide whether or not to take an AD. You said that we can't get over depression by "trying harder"...that really stuck with me. And it helped me decide to take the med and move forward.

Take care of you.

[rainbow8]

Just take of yourself, farmergirl! If you need to go to the hospital, then that's what you need to do.

[WePow]

Still thinking of you and hope today you got to see T !!

Yes, I had a session with t yesterday. It went better as I was more able to focus (with a lot of effort) and I talked a little bit more.

T talked about his frustration. He says their is this "man" part of him that just wants to fix me, but knows he can't. That this is going to have to come from me. But he has good boundaries and can set that aside.

We talked a great deal about my relationship with my husband and how totally enmeshed we are. How that has to change for both of our sakes.

He "prescribed" getting out and walking about a mile a day (hard to do in 100 degree temperatures right now, but maybe we can walk at the mall or something). Getting out and doing anything would be a plus. It's so hard to get that motivation when the depression just keeps telling you to sit there or sleep.

[WePow]

Chris - I do hope you can do the walk... just a few steps at a time would be cool - like going to a favorite store just to experience getting out. Or go for icecream or something fun :-)

Chris - When I'm having a hard time getting myself to exercise, I just tell myself I can stop after 10 minutes. I really do stop if I want to after 10 mins have gone by, but I usually just keep going at that point.

Could you walk out your door, walk 5 minutes, turn around and walk home?

Fresh air (even ridiculously hot and humid fresh air) feels so healing to me.