[rainbow8]

My heart is pounding already because my session is tomorrow and I don't know how to make it productive. My parts are all fighting to have their time with T. Last week we decided that I would do EMDR this week but the issue it's supposed to be about doesn't seem important right now. But I did want to see how I react to watching T's fingers. I felt relaxed after the EMDR session 2 weeks ago. But was that due to the EMDR or the last part of the session where T and I talked about the container? Probably both.

Last week I was a wreck after my session because I was so frustrated about not feeling like I did the week before. T knows this because of the emails. I don't know if it's productive or not to talk about how much I want the comforting, "container connection" type conversation. She knows that I want it. I know that I want it. I can't make T act on demand and say soothing words to me. She may want me to talk to myself that way instead. I'm fighting against doing that and I don't know why.

T is going on vacation and I won't see her next week. I can't leave my session tomorrow feeling awful again. So, maybe EMDR is the best bet. I don't know!! T will have her ideas, I know but I'm the one who has to leave the session and go on with my life.

I sort of feel like I want to talk more about the T- relationship and how confusing it gets for me. How it hurts me so bad. No T ever asked me to email them about a film. It's like we have a real relationship too but there are so many limits. I told her in one of the emails how hard the limits of the t-relationship are for me.

I'm still more open in my emails than I am in the session. Also, when I'm there with her I "have" her so some of that "wanting" feeling goes away. But when I leave I fall apart. I've got to tell her how I feel in the session, and not wait until afterwards. There's so much I want to tell her, but I also want to do the EMDR because it gets me to be freer with my feelings. We need an hour to do EMDR which leaves 1/2 hour first. It's not enough! No wonder I was so frustrated with 50 minutes in my past therapy.

I'm just rambling, trying to decide what I need tomorrow. I know no one can tell me what to do, but any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

[growlycat]

I have this problem all of the time! How can I make the most of the therapy "hour" to feel cared about? I'm thinking of this myself. I make a list of things I want to accomplish in a session and write it down. If I'm too shy to ask for what I need, I may email it in advance.

For example:
* I want to do EMDR but is there some way to make it only part of the session or do it next time?
* I want to leave this session feeling cared about. Can I ask my therapist for a reminder of the connection? Can I let my therapist know that I use her soothing words to re-play to myself later?
* I want the therapist to know the pain I'm in.Can I be specific enough so she can help?

I hope this helps you as it helps me. Right now, I'm writing down random things I want to address and ranking the ones that seem most important to me/how much time I want to spend on each subject etc.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, growly. Those are very good questions you "pulled" out of my post. You say that you decide how much time to spend on each topic. Often a session doesn't work that way, though. My former T didn't like when I had an agenda because spontaneity in a session can be more productive. But I do have to decide about the EMDR because it really does need a whole hour.

I want to do the EMDR because I get to watch her hands. Thinking that makes me sick. I just want her to love me. Maybe I'd better tell her that first or I will have a lousy session with my feelings locked up inside of me.

[seventyeight]

hmm.. maybe go in with a list? like something actually on paper. that way you can really consult the list like, "well, according to this, this is what we *should* be talking about." like let the list keep you on track or something. just an idea.

it might help you to organize the time better too, like if you spend x time on this then you'll have y time for that, etc. sometimes that's how i 'plan out' my therapy, that way i can make sure i fit everything in, and end with stuff i want to end on (something also important to me, ending on a "good note.")

anyway, sending you some positive energy.. and good luck!

[rainbow8]

Thanks, seventyeight. I always used to have a list in my past therapies. It helped, but it took away the spontaneity and the flow of the therapy. But maybe a small list wouldn't hurt. In my heart, I only want to talk about what I want from T at my session. But she will probably turn that into what I want from others or from myself. Thinking that makes me feel like dying.

[seventyeight]

(((rainbow)))

one more thought.. maybe you can do like 15 min talking, 60 min emdr, and 15 min talking. well, not exactly that, but my point is that perhaps you can leave some time at the end to talk and reconnect. like blurt out that stuff you want to in the begining.. let it "sit" in the room while you do the emdr.. and then maybe re-visit it at the end..

ps. what time is your session? (eastcoast time) i'll send you some positive thoughts then!

[rainbow8]

It would be 3:30 your time. Thanks!!!!

[seventyeight]

you got it!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Ouch, Rainbow, I think you have decided what you need to talk about in session but it is going to be hard. But you're right - especially if T is going on vac next week - you have to get on with your life and need to leave there feeling connected. Could you lay it out for her (EMDR and this topic) and let her decide which to address first?

[rainbow8]

SAWE, I will probably do that. Ask T, I mean. But I might just blurt out the other stuff first before I lose my nerve. Last week I fleetingly thought about crashing my car when I drove home. I used to think that way a lot after a session with my former T when I felt that awful despair of not getting what I wanted from her. I've never been suicidal, though. Just fleeting thoughts probably because I was so frustrated and angry. Thanks for your input.