fear of getiting better (Masterson cont'd)

not wishing to hijack the other thread. Someone posted, "All resistance is fear" - agree .

But while "fear of getting better" definitely exists, I can't see that it is necessarily based on the client's wish for attention / pity / a caretaker, and has no other possible basis.

After all, all change is scary, and to be asked by one's T to (for example) give up some long-held "coping strategy", some protective behavior, and just allow oneself to be vulnerable, is very scary.

I would think that resistance would be expected!

Do they ask? Thats not been my experience. But the fear of letting go is there, but for me I've always walked through that fear, courage isnt being without fear, its having fear and doing it anyway.

Mel - you mean, do T's ask us to give up protective strategies? They do it all the time, don't they?!

Tell me the story of your trauma, whicn no other living soul has ever heard about
Open your mouth and speak to me (about anything at all)
Show me every monster that you keep hidden inside you
Hand over to me the keys to your inmost secret parts
Allow yourself to cry - in my presence
Let down your walls, and allow me to walk around inside you
Come back next week and do it again

All the time... Like I said, it would be a marvel if resistance was NOT expected. When I read that some Ts are insulted to encounter it, and somehow take it personlly, I'm just amazed.

But, but, thats therapy, we either choose to do it or we don't, the therapist doesnt drag us in of the street. Sorry I just dont get it, all this acting as we having somethng done to us. I've never seen myself as a victim, rather as a working alliance, I guess thats why therapy fits me, because of the attitude I have, I do notice a lot in 12 step groups are against therapy also, thats why I always struggled with that also. Oh well, all I can say is I am so glad I am the sort of personality I am, I'd hate to spend my whole life hiding all of the time and going to my death having lived a unexamined life, but I must work on understanding there are those that do.

Ow ow ow Melbadaze!

The question was, can resistance in therapy be based on anything other than someone's wish for attention / pity / a caretaker. The question was never whether a therapist drags someone in off the street & makes them a victim. (Good grief!)

If the therapeutic "process" is painful & difficult for some people (because of attachment issues, or a million other becauses), but not painful or difficult for you, well goody for you. You're glad, I am glad for you.

But... have a heart will ya? For those who do have that pain, those difficulties. there are zillions of clients out there like that.

People who find the process painful and difficult are not going to their deaths living an unexamined life; on the contrary they're committed to that examination, even if it means fighting an uphill battle every session. If I sound a ilttle soapbox-y, well maybe so.

Wow Mel, that was a very hard post......

Sitting I can totally relate to what you are saying. It takes a huge amount of courage to finally share some of those deepest secrets with your therapist.

My therapist actually used the word resistance with me but not in a negative way. She used the word "fear" she said we often resist what we are afraid of....it's not that we don't want to do something, it's that we are afraid of the outcome. I think many people who have spent most their lives having to hide deep secrets and having to PRETEND things were ok are struck with this resistance. Because to come out and said anything could have ended with traumatic results.

Hence a big reason for resistence....... not knowing the outcome and fearing the results because of an old story that we still carry within us.........

I can be very resistant with my therapist but I'm not doing it to make her life miserable (or mine for that matter), I don't ask her for anything, she is always asking me what she can do for me. My answer most often is "I don't know, I'm ok really" because I am afraid of being dependent on her because of how independent I had to be my whole life. It's very far from wanting her to cater to me.

We all have our own life experiences that affect each of us so differently...what may mean one thing to someone else may effect another person totally different. Sitting, I think you have been doing a great job at working with your therapist. You keep going back because you WANT a change and I am sure if you look back to when you first started, you will find ways that your therapy has had an effect on you for the best.

sitting it is painful and difficult for me, surely you've read some of my journey @i've posted here...yes probably my opinion can appear harsh....I harness that energy and use it in therapy... But perhaps my post isn't that harsh...its true I do not see myself as a victim ....

Mdaze - you have taught me so much in your journey (and still do so). sorry if I jumped on you.

I think "fear of getting better" is a worry and worries are always about the future, things that haven't happened and may not happen. We can't tell the future so the whole, "if I get better, this will be how it's like" thing is wasted effort as we can't know how something we haven't experienced yet will feel!

When I'm rich and famous, I'm going to give you $1,000,000, I promise! You counting on that?

Resistance is real no matter whether it's fear of BEING "better" what ever that may mean, or fear of the getting better which hurts so much and carries the threat of loss of T's support... it's endless.
Why would a T take it personall, or even be surprised, if a client is resistant. It just indicates that there's a problem that needs working on.

One has to resist something specific, to say one is "resistant" is more or less meaningless. The response can only be, "resistant to what?" Anything else is too vague.

What's the next thing that needs doing? What would one like to work on in therapy, specifically? Do you look at T when she talks or when you talk to her? Would you like to? Do you resist looking at T? How can one overcome that? Were that my problem, I would look "closer" to looking at her first. I would find something a couple inches to the right of her face on the wall opposite and make myself look at that. I would write a poem about what or how I "see" when I'm with T and share it with her. When nothing bad happened with all that, I'd start darting glances at her when she talked (or when I talked, whichever felt easier to try). I always liked it when T talked because it meant I wasn't expected to yet; I was "safe" for the duration of her voice. So I'd dart glances at her when she talked until I could look at her longer and longer or until I was darting well when she talked and wanted to play darting glances when I talked.

But resistance should always be to something specific. There's no point in resisting the future, that's like tilting at windmills.

we seem to have a lot of trouble staying on topic (resistance to change remember? and the reasons for it? not the meaning of resistance?)

I give up never mind

Gosh, we were talking about this last night.
Fear of getting better can be a huge fear, of the seemingly insurmountable gap between here and 'there', and most importantly the challenges we face as we move closer to 'there'.
Oh, how many of my therapy dreams are about gaps, valleys, being stranded on one side and needing and wanting to be on the other.
I get overwhelmed often because I can't see incrementally. I am here, and I want to be there and holy toledo how am I going to get through and survive that gap?!
T can see incrementally and more importantly, knows that I can't. Nice yin/yang