really big issue

I've been in a form of intensive group therapy for the past 4 months that ended up extending and becoming less well formed and down to one day a week. In this time the group has become solely about one person and the rest of us resenting this one person - until your's truly lost it in there.
This was week 2 since my blow out and i had another one when i upheld a new rule and the rule was not accepted by the one usurping the group. I ran out when things turned sour and heard that another individual "held my back" and started in where I left off. Needless to say things are very rocky at the moment. We only have one or two groups left and i can just guess what we'll be spending them on.... I am so sick of having group be about the usurper and the T not getting that this is happening.
SO! being the squeeky wheel that I am, I wrote a letter. But i've not sent it yet - I am taking my time, going over it, wanting to be really SURE that I want to send it. At this point I am addressing it to the Group T, My T, the Usurper, and the gal that had my back....
I'd like to post it here and recieve helpful feedback from it, positive ways i can reconstruct, and so forth. And thanks...

"Dear T, Group T, L, and M,

I have spent the entire weekend thinking about this (try as I might to forget it), combining the things I have learned through this group, from GT's supportive comments to me, from checking in with T that evening after the latest upset, and from my closest friends' comments. There are some ideas I have come to about why this is happening, and I think it imperative to share with us all (and T as she is my mentor and the clinical director).

PLEASE hear that I am NOT ATTACKING anyone. Not GT, not T, not L or M. NO one. I am still upset, but I think learning as well and it is not my intention to hurt (or further hurt) anyone.

T (who has been talking with me about this for several weeks now) keeps telling me that in a healthy group, upsets happen and group members tell each other more honestly the things that come up for them. Yay - we're "healthy". T also tells me "A good group leader, which GT is, knows that they are not there to control the group." But how can we all know this if we are not told? I've been told - and I've repeated it in group, but to no avail. We had a very good group where GT had us each find our "check point" and then held us to that check point. It was a big growing moment, and felt "safe" to me. This was the group after I had my first emotional outburst (which is why I am writing this rather than trying to say this in group since we've all seen my effectiveness at speaking).

Here is the key point I would like to make and have heard: We, the group members, do not have all the skills. That is why we are stuck. That is why we are in *intensive* group therapy for "Those Who Are Stuck". Why then would we be expected to marshall ourselves? If we did not have parents who were able to convey these ideas to us (i speak for myself and perhaps others) then we look to the therapist as The Parent. Being a therapist is part therapy, part parent. The therapist is conveying to us the skills that we need that we didn't get. And yet, as in my own biological family, here I have stepped into the parenting role; marshalling the group, holding us accountable, maintaining the rules, and working to make sure that all in the group have a voice. I am confused to whether or not this is supposed to be my job. Or for that matter, (the person)'s who stepped in and held my back.

Do you see? If GT is not marshalling us, leading us, or holding the rules; and T (as clinical director) is not having a conversation with GT about telling us what roles are ours vs. hers (after all, I *do* bring this up week after week) and T maintains that Good Group Leaders do not control the group, and GT doesn't tell us this, the group has no way to know.
It is replaying out old patterns.
It sets up confusion where the "heads" (teachers, leaders, therapists, parents) do not give parameters.
It sets up the stage for me (i really want to say others, but I am learning to make "I statements") to once again step into the role of Teacher, Parent, Rule Regulator. My emotions want to throw all this at (the usurper) - BUT that is NOT fair! (the usurper) really isn't the cause - is just being (self). I am being me. We are merely filling the roles we know when our community will not set them up. If we are not taught otherwise, nor assisted to be held to our check points, then we have no alternative but to act out what we know. It is my opinion that we NEED GT or T through GT (or i, reminding you both, being the squeeky wheel once more) to inform us how to be; what our roles as group members are. Do we regulate it ourselves? Do we keep each other accountable? Do we monitor time for each other? Or should these in fact be the roles of GT? These are questions being asked by several of us each of the past few weeks, but I do not feel a firm grounding. Yet each week we're supposed to make "group rules". But when some get made, they are not being upheld by all present -and then people are upset.
The community has to help us help each other out. In my line of work (teaching), if I see another teacher struggling with something and I do not step in when I can see how this situation might be assisted, then I am doing us all a dis-service, yes? The teacher suffers, the students suffer, and in turn the school community suffers. This is a community clinic.... I guess I am stating my own expectations that this isn't my job to fix this. In my example, L, M and I are the "students". This is above and beyond us. We do not need to be caught in this situation when the "teachers" can surely put their heads together and form a solution - thus teaching us how to solve problems along the way. Yes?"

Ok that's all i have at this point... and thank you all in advance for positive feedback on how i can be heard in this situation. It really sucks to have to be the one to tell the Ts how to do this. But then again, GT always says "I can't give you what you need if you don't tell me". So, I guess I'm telling her...

Kiya
I responded in another social group here. Please read there...

Thanks for reading too - it's a LONG post!! And it has been consuming me for WEEKS.

Kiya, the group sounds like it has really been a struggle. I hope you have gotten something out of it. The GT just doesn't sound experienced or assertive enough to provide a helpful experience. I'm not sure the letter will change that. It sounds like you have tried for a long time to communicate to the GT and T and don't feel you have been heard. I don't know, Kiya--it sounds like a lost cause, especially since the group is ending shortly. Do you think putting it in writing will be more effective than the feedback you have already given? Will you try to find another group when this one is done? Maybe when you look around for groups to join, you can suss them out a bit first--determine group leader philosophy and skills, etc.

Sorry the group has been such a frustrating experience.

Guilty of not reading the whole letter, but read some, and I get the sense you are brave, and thoughtful and passionate, all valuable qualities.
Wanted to give you some support. Some situations are oh so messy in life, some worth fighting for. You've decided to fight for this one to the best of your ability.
My own rule for myself is have I maintained my integrity in a situation and done my personal best? Sounds like that's what you're doing.

I'm kind of frustrated with the T for not intervening. It's the Ts JOB to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen.

Kiya:

I dont know what just happened to my post. I was typing and suddenly my page skipped and my posting box was no longer there. whoops.

what I started to say was I thought your letter was too long, even for me who is used to reading college textbooks for hours at a time. I also got confused because your introduction to us about what was going on and about the letter did not match the content of your letter.

points you made in the introduction to us -

someone in the group was monopolizing the group
the person running the group is doing nothing about it
everyone in the group is resenting the monopolizer.

points you made in the letter all center on -

you have taken on the role of rule monitor, trying to make sure others are following the rules.

Kiya in this case I think simpler would be better. this letter Im assuming because of the way you opened the letter with all the initials you are going to read this letter in your group.

they all know you in the group and if you are reading this in the group they know you are talking to them all so my opinion is you dont need to open with dear so and so.

how about something like when its your turn to talk say something simple and to the point like I have a problem I would like to talk to you all about. then go into what the problem is. Lately you have noticed the group has changed to where now it seems like not everyone is getting time to share what they would like to share. its not very fun nor productive for any of us to monopolize the group time so no one else gets their time too. I was wondering if anyone else felt the same way I do and if so if theres any way we can all fix this problem together.

short and sweet and no one is being singled out by initials and as a group you and the group can solve the groups problem together.

my writing that wasnt a here use this instead, I was just giving you an example of what I mean. but by all means if I have helped and you would like to use this as a starter and make it your own go to it. LOL

Kiya, maybe the group T is letting this go, so you will learn and intervene and send this e-mail?

Just a thought.

Maybe the point is that you all learn something about yourself?

Kiya, just a quick response to this. I think your letter is rather lengthy and you could achieve more if you make your point clearly and very early on, i.e., that you (and the rest of the group) are not happy with one person dominating the group sessions. Also, I think a better approach would be to raise this directly with the group therapist, either by yourself or as a group. It is her job to be in charge of the group dynamic and at present most people are not happy with that. It is kind of sad that she doesn't notice this but as things stand you (or the group, if many people are unhappy) need to give her feedback.

One of the things I got from the letter was that you expect to be told the "rules". I found there are no rules in life or group :-) For me, in a group the group makes the rules and adjusts as group goes on and people learn about each other; which person is controlling and which holds back and doesn't share, etc. That's the point of being in a group, to learn how to get and give support to other people; that's what happens here in PC and in all groups.

Your T's know, as T's, that good T's don't control groups. Your T's have to show that to you, have to practice that, not tell you, "T's don't control"; it's like with writing, you "show, don't tell". You are supposed to be practicing noticing, and questioning everything you're noticing. Other people can only control "us" if we let them. How is it one individual has got several of you in an uproar? She talks; cannot one of you not reply but change the subject to themselves instead? Can you all not be silent so she gets no response? You all respond to her, and like a negative parent's response being better than none, she keeps doing what gets her responses! Why would she change? I wouldn't! If I want it to be about ME, guess who I'm going to talk about?

I would let Mz. Obnoxious Controller say her thing, look right at her, smile at her, even give a fake laugh and change the subject, launch into something about you/a concern you have. If the others have learned anything, they'll start offering responses to you and if she responds at the same time, you can politely say, "Excuse me, OC, I wanted to hear what so-and-so had to say." That's what you're supposed to be learning in group; that's what group is all about, how to make it out in the "world" where there are a zillion OC's.

It could be someone won't like your tactics and will call you on them, tell you you are "rude" and you can explain that the discussion is about your comments and you "own" the floor, that you're not trying to be rude but that OC was talking over the comments of so-and-so you were listening to and working with and that YOU find THAT rude.

It's not like individual therapy; the T's aren't going to make direct comments, "tell" you much out right. You have to see what happens in actual experience; think of group as being like the lab class for your individual therapy.

My response is so much tied to work, where we have thousands of smart, tough and determined people. You are in a tougher spot - no one is getting paid, everyone is struggling with something, I'm not making light of it at all. I know that group therapy has different dynamics from work, but maybe some of the solutions we use at work to get "unstuck" can also help your group.
At first I thought, HEY, this group needs a facilitator to ensure equal time and a flip chart and a "parking lot" page for off-topic issues -- just like so many meetings at work.
But then I read Perna's message - and maybe the point IS for you to learn how to confront the difficult person and to encourage the other people to claim their time to speak about their stuff. And the point is for the difficult person to realize how the time-hogging behavior impacts the ENTIRE group.
It's the situation-behavior-impact model - http://mindmapblog.files.wordpress.c.../sbi-model.jpg
I hope that your group finds a way to change. If not, I hope you find a way to get something from it anyway.

Yeah - this situation has already taken up a month. Mr. OC has been rerouted, redirected, aksed, told, confronted.... And yet each week is the same.

In the end I did send the letter, after I did a lot of editing - taking out all the lines where i felt i needed to rant or explain - and did send it to both T's and the 3 member's emails i had. Then was riddled with fear that i'd crossed a line or boundary, there would be consequences, i might get terminated.... Both T's told me they liked my letter; I was clear, non-accusatory, and strong. The two other members also felt it said everything that needed to be said and were glad i said it. The one who hogs group still felt that they didn't know what i was talking about or was taking too much time. I have decided this member is a lost cause, if after 4 weeks of talking about himself, he still has NO idea. Evidently the group T didn't know either.... so whatever. Next week is the last one, and I am glad.
Mr OC was rather pissy and moody - sulking all through group, saying little to nothing. Cest la vie.
Perna I'd like to send on your explanation to my other 2 group members for future =)
Thanks all for the support!

Hi Kiya, long time no see!

I remember when I used to spend a day or two figuring out what to do about a sticky situation and occasionally putting together letters like that. Sometimes I sent them, sometimes I just journaled them for my own satisfaction. Whatever effect the finished letter might have had, I'm pretty sure it was less important in the long run than the process of writing it was for me. I admire your commitment, creativity and persistence.

For practice? Pretty much the same way that putting together that letter seems to have been great practice for you!

No doubt the group T has had a lot of experience in groups and has acquired skills that the members haven't yet. Still, my hunch is that there's only so much she can do to steer the group in a particular direction. If she were to exercise more control than she has been, her interventions might spare the group some unpleasantness but might also serve to keep some members suppressed who were already looking for an excuse to hang back. Perhaps the best argument for her staying out of the way a bit, is that it gives members like you an incentive to step in and start developing your own skills.

I suspect that if that group had functioned entirely normally and focused 100% on therapy, you'd have ended up getting quite a bit less out of it than you did this way.

Hey - yeah it has been a while!

yeah, maybe... she does keep saying "you're a leader..." and so forth. *sigh*. as for what i am getting out of it, that's why i was so angry - no one was getting anything out of it for the past 2 months because only one guy was talking. And T encouraged him to talk! and talk... and talk... and......................... The silents stayed silent, the irritateds stayed irritated, yet tried to rerout.... and T said she had no idea... each time. When group goes down from 3x a week to once a week, it is really noticable how much doesn't get said by others. (not that there's still a flame under me on this one ) only one more week YAY!