T, finally

I see T today after an 8 day break.

So much happened while he was gone...I am starting to feel all of the emotions that I pushed away bubbling to the surface. There was SO much fear, relief, sadness, joy...all of it...and I'm not sure I let myself fully feel any of it. It's too new and T was too far away.

After today, there is a 9 day break. The man will not stay in town. Blah.

((((((Tree)))))))

I'm so glad that you get to see T today. But I am sad that he is going away again. I remember that last year it was like this too. I'm happy that you are not having major ruptures like you were last year when he was out of town. You are so strong to sit with these feelings while he is away. Do you want pocket riders to kick him in the shins for going away again? I can do that for you, I played soccer and got really good at kicking people in the shins.

good luck today treehouse! be sure to come back and let us know how it went!!

jeeez, tree! He really can't stay in town, can he? Well, I guess it IS that time of year. I'm glad you get to see him today, though, and I hope it is a good, connected, healing session for you. Let us know!

=( summers are so hard for therapy. You're doing so very well with it all. have you been giving yourself credit??

maybe this will give you a small smile - your post reminded me of Soliaree.

(((((((((((Treehouse)))))))))))

T told me something in session that was so cool.

While he was gone, I left him a SERIES of messages over 4 or 5 days leading up to the scary thing I had to do on Saturday, and then I left him one after I did it on Saturday and everything had gone really well.

He told me that the messages just blew him away. He said that he erased all of the messages that were in between my messages from other people so he could listen to mine all in a row, because they told such a story. He said that he wanted to listen to it over and over again because it was such a fascinating story, and because he was "SOOOO PROUD" of me

He was so excited to see me today to talk about it

His telling me that made me feel like he really IS interested and he really DOES care about me. It was cool to know that even when he was so far away, I was still "with" him.

It was a really good session. Now, 9 more days. sigh.

awww, tree, that is awesome! Your T really does care about you and really does think about you, even when he's gone.

that's great tree, SO happy for you!!

((((((((( Tree )))))))))) I hope you carry this understanding and your T's words with you.... they will help you make it through the hard times. That is so wonderful that he CARES about you this much!!!!!!!!

Ugh - I'm in that love/pain place of therapy.

I LOVE T. I really do. And I know that he truly cares about me. Today, he was telling me his reaction to the story he created out of my phone messages on three levels: as someone hearing a story and thinking "wow, that is an amazing journey", as a therapist "wow, she's really using the tools she's learned in therapy" and on a personal level "wow, I am SOOO proud of her". I know that all of that is part of our relationship, and I like that all of that is part of our relationship.

AND. It's just that bittersweet feeling of feeling so loved, and of loving, and of somehow being alone at the same time. The whole love/loss thing. All at once.

I do have many people in my real life that I love, and my life is full and busy. I am lucky in that way. But there is something I get from T that I can't get anywhere else. And I really really miss it when he's gone so much.

I can't believe he's leaving again. I'm sure the time will pass quickly, but here, on day 1 (or not even day 1 yet actually) it feels LOOOOOOOONG.

I feel that, too, tree. The bittersweet part of missing that connected feeling, that feeling of value and importance. It IS really hard. I have hope that someday I will feel that on my own, or have a partner who will bring out that feeling in me, but right here, right now, it IS hard. And we can get through it.

Hi Treehouse,
About your first post, I think the whole thing with the messages is really interesting. I think it is really cool that your T picked up on the fact that all of them put together made a 'story' and that he took the time to delete the messages in between and listen to them all together. That speaks so much louder than anything he could say about how much he cares and how amazed he is with you. But also, did he offer to let you listen to the 'story'? Would you have wanted to? Many times when I leave a message for my T I forget what I said or it becomes kind of a jumbled mess in my head. I wonder if you would find it interesting to hear the progression of the story, and kind of look at it from an outsiders view.

About your second post, I had a lot of thoughts about ways you could look at T's absence and ways to deal with it to make it better. And then I realized - you have done this so many times before, you really know all of this!. You have pretty much explored every single angle of the situation and I think, at this point, all that needs to be said is that - it SUCKS. You know that and you also know that it won't last for ever. And even though it doesn't come close to giving you what you need from T, I'll give you some hugs anyway......

He actually started off telling me about saving the messages by saying "I wish I still had your messages so you could listen to them", and then proceeded to tell me about how he deleted the in between messages and listened to them all in a row. He seemed like he really wished he had saved it until my session so I could hear it too, but I was SO GLAD he didn't, because I would hate to hear me talking to T on his phone

Luckily for me () I sent a series of e-mails that basically lined up with the voice mail messages, so last night I went back and read them all in a row, to see if I could have the "story" experience T did. I could see what he was talking about, but since I was THERE, it had less of a "wow!" effect on me

I will get through his absence. I've had SO MUCH PRACTICE. AND I miss him.

Oh, treehouse. Do you know what it is that you are getting from him only and not getting from anyone else?

THAT is a really good question. What pops into my head is the fact that he knows me better than anyone ever has, and it feels good to be able to go and just be however I am and still be accepted and cared for. And I guess there's the fact that he doesn't want anything from me - I do a lot of "caretaking" - of my boys, my H, my friends, my alcoholic mom - and this is quite literally the first time someone has taken care of ME. It feels like finally getting a drink of water after spending years and years and years in the desert.

It feels like there's more. I think I'll ponder this today. Thanks, Ocean

((((( Tree ))))) I really honor your internal work. I love how you took what Oceanwave asked and made a choice to look at it from a healing point of view. That is very mature and wonderful growth. You tend to come across as someone who thinks deeply and honestly about things like this. Just wanted you to know I thought this as I read your post.