[deliquesce]

hello everyone. i just really need some hugs. i'm not doing very well, i'm finding it hard to keep things together. my life feels all over the place and i feel like i'm falling apart.

i'm seeing austin-t on thursday and next tuesday and then he's going away for a month which is ok because i don't like him anymore anyway and i'm being super guarded around him so i'm being a waste of space. i haven't seen pdoc for 9 weeks now but i dont want to see him anyway because he'll want me to go back on my meds and i don't want to do that anymore.

my ptsd stuff is coming up and im dissociating and freaking out and i dont know what to do other than i really wish someone was around to wrap me up in a doona and hold me and let me go to sleep.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( DELI ))))

I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug right now. I'm sorry you're in such a bad place. Try to post more about how you're feeling....It can do wonders just to let it out and feel heard and cared for here....

(((( HUGS )))))

[rainbow8]

deli--first, lots of hugs for you.
Now, I'm just wondering. Why is it that you are cutting off your support and wanting to go off your meds? Sorry if you posted that in the past but I forgot. Maybe you want to find a brand new T or are you determined to do without? Why are you being so hard on yourself? May I suggest telling austin-t how you feel so he can help you get through this?

[Fartraveler]

he'll want me to go back on my meds and i don't want to do that anymore.

my ptsd stuff is coming up and im dissociating and freaking out and i dont know what to do

A hug for you, Deli, and it's good to see you again. Sorry things are so difficult at that moment.

And -- go back on your meds!!!

From your post, it looks like right now is not the time to be stopping them.

Take care,
-Far

[3velniai]

[jexa]

Oh, deli.

Don't know what else to say, except I'm in a bad place too and I get it. I'm sorry things are hard.

[purple_fins]

Sorry you are having such a hard time

you are not alone

fins

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Now, I'm just wondering. Why is it that you are cutting off your support and wanting to go off your meds? Sorry if you posted that in the past but I forgot. Maybe you want to find a brand new T or are you determined to do without? Why are you being so hard on yourself? May I suggest telling austin-t how you feel so he can help you get through this?

There, Deli, Rainbow asked all the things that I was thinking too.
These are for you dear

[googley]

((((((Deli))))))

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. Please keep posting so we can support you. I agree with the others. Talk to asutin-T about what you are feeling. Go see Pdoc. He can't make you take meds. But he can support you.

((((((((((((((safe hugs for Deli)))))))))))))))))

ps I love your avatar! I think it is sooo coool , just like you!

[WikidPissah]

sorry you're in such pain. I care...just so you know.

[zooropa]

((((deli))))
You have a home here. You can come, anytime, and talk about what's going on or just ask for hugs.

[googley]

I just wanted to add that I agree with Zoo. There is no need for you to sneak back. Come as you are at any time. We care about you.

[Amazonmom]

You are not a waste of space! Lots of people care about you, including the gang here at PC, Austin T, and pdoc.

I wish things were better for you.

[deliquesce]

aww, thank you all so much for your hugs & posts .

i dont know why im getting so down. i'm having a good time when i go out, but then i get home and i completely slump. it's such a disparate and disconnected feeling to how i might have been feeling earlier in the day/night. e.g., i've taken up dance classes and i've found myself a dance partner who is really lovely and i'd had a really good time on monday night and then yesterday it just felt so unreal because i felt so down. right now i'm feeling good and it feels unreal to me that i posted this last night in so much distress. what on earth is going on? (answer: beginning of a depressive slump. this is always how it starts ).

to reply to some posts (if i've missed someone out, i'm sorry -- my attn span isnt the best right now):

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Why is it that you are cutting off your support and wanting to go off your meds? Sorry if you posted that in the past but I forgot. Maybe you want to find a brand new T or are you determined to do without? Why are you being so hard on yourself? May I suggest telling austin-t how you feel so he can help you get through this?

i went off the meds on july 10, so it's been almost 7 weeks now. i went off them because i'd initially increased the dose and had intrusive suicidal thoughts and pdoc was on leave and austin-t was away and i didn't know what to do other than to go off them completely to make the thoughts stop.
re: withdrawing from austin-t... we've had a few meh sessions and then last week was pretty bad and now i'm really angry with him. i shut down when i'm angry, and that's no good because i trust him very little to begin with. so now i trust him even less and there's no point seeing someone i dont want to share even the most innocuous details of my life with (e.g., he asked me what type of exercise i'm doing but i didn't tell him that i've started dance now because i don't want to share anything with him).

Originally Posted by googley

Go see Pdoc. He can't make you take meds. But he can support you.

thank you, googley. i needed to hear this. maybe i'll try to see pdoc when austin-t is away.

Originally Posted by jbmomg

ps I love your avatar! I think it is sooo coool , just like you!

aw, this is the sweetest thing ever. thank you . i keep thinking i should change it because maybe no one else likes it but i'm glad someone else does .

[googley]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

aw, this is the sweetest thing ever. thank you . i keep thinking i should change it because maybe no one else likes it but i'm glad someone else does .

I love your avatar too. Though at first I thought it was a weird looking octopus or sea anemone . It took me a little while to see the real picture in it. (Though I liked it when I thought it was an octopus also.)

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i went off the meds on july 10, so it's been almost 7 weeks now. i went off them because i'd initially increased the dose and had intrusive suicidal thoughts and pdoc was on leave and austin-t was away and i didn't know what to do other than to go off them completely to make the thoughts stop.

Deli, the error in your thinking was going off the meds completely. You increased, had problems, stopped entirely (rather then just going back to the normal level), and are having very serious problems.

It's trite but true that MI people stop their meds sometimes and then are surprised when they start getting worse.

There's a biological/physiological basis for mental illnesses, hence treatment with chemicals to put a person closer to being in-balance often works.

I've had hordes of med problems--been on 50 so far--but some things do actually work. To stabilize you need to go back on meds, per pdoc's orders, asap (get him on the phone if you can't see him very, very soon. Or leave a brief note telling him what's up). Then you'll be better off to start working on the bad stuff you've been through lately rather than spinning your wheels or declining in modd and functioning.

You can do this Deli.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Hi Deli

about "Austin-T".... you have commented on all questions but one? what are your feelings/thoughts on finding another T? You have been with him for a while, but the trust relationship that is so important seems not to be there now, and wow he certainly seems to be very unavailable. Perhaps you need someone not so controlling (sorry, my opinion, memories of schedules he wrote for you etc) and more gentle, and certainly not so absent / out of reach.

I don't have any experience with meds but it does seem that if you increased them on your own, and then simply quit them on your own, you really might not be getting what you need. Please take care of this part first, could you? wishing you great peace.

[Fartraveler]

Deli,

About once or twice a year I decide I'm stable and managing well enough that I can go off my meds. And I never can. Generally I can do about one to two weeks, and then things start getting out of control, and then things have to get really bad before I realize -- 'wait, this is because I stopped taking paxil.'

So, that's just my experience. But I think it's a fairly common pattern.

Take care,
-Far