[zooropa]

wow, is this a common theme around here this time of year or what?


I saw my T today for the last time before her vacation. I'm only missing one session, I'll see her again week after next, and I know some of you have Ts that are taking/have taken much longer breaks, but it still FEELS like a long time from now.

I gave her a little gift, just something I made, at the end of our session. I told her to have a good trip, and that I'll miss her. And I WILL miss her, but I feel okay. In a way I'm getting a vacation too, a vacation from the hard work of trauma processing. And I know I can come here for support as much or as little as I need to. We really do carry each other here.

wepow, I want to tell you that I mentioned you to my T today (not by name or anything, of course). I told her that one of my online friends said that if I really let myself feel this stuff, REALLY feel it, I only have to do that once and then it will be done. Thank you so much for sharing that with me and all of us. It has helped me so much, because I'm really in the thick of it now and I'm working SO HARD to let myself feel whatever it is, to not push it down or hide from it. And the only thing that gets me through is knowing that I won't have to keep feeling this forever.

I've noticed that I'm not dissociating as much during sessions anymore. That happened really gradually, but somehow it happened. Today we were talking about some really hard stuff and it was really hitting me, the images and the sounds and the physical sensations. And I did kind of freak out (putting my hands over my face, shaking, not being able to think of words to say) but I didn't check out the way I used to.

When I notice things like that I realize that I really am healing. I'm not done and I have a long way to go still, but I'm getting there.

[WikidPissah]

hurray for you zooropa! you're an inspiration!

[granite1]

zoo i was thinking about you today as i was also thinking about my situation in therapy i was wondering if you could share with me how you started to tell your T your story.some day i know ill talk .because i so want to tell her everything about what happened to me but at this point i cant and i'm ok with that but i really want to know how people just start telling T the story.you can pm me if you dont want to respond here or just let me know it is to hard to talk about also it will be ok .great work in therapy and welcome to the vacationing T's club i see mine on the 20th also but she has been gone for a week already

[zooropa]

granite, I know we aren't the only 2 who have Ts gone this week and next. In some way it makes me feel better, misery loves company maybe?

Anyway, we will get through it together, ok? The 20th will be here before we know it. I hope.

Ok, to answer your question...starting to tell the story was hard. HARD. Really hard. We talked for a few sessions about the fact that I was going to start telling before I actually started. I remember feeling like I HAD to tell, wepow likes to compare it to childbirth, when it's time it's TIME.

But oh, it was hard. The first session it took me a looooong time to just say the words "it was in the park" and that is ALL I SAID. I dissociated and we spent the rest of the time that was left just trying to get me grounded.

Then, the next week or a few weeks later (I'm not clear on the timing, it's all kind of a blur when I look back), T basically walked me through it with her asking questions and me answering. Mostly yes or no questions. I just nodded or shook my head most of the time. It was a way for her to get an idea of what we were dealing with, a road map or rough outline.

So that was the first time of going through the whole thing with anyone, EVER, but it wasn't really me telling the story. It was a good foot in the door, though. Ever since then, and that was last fall or winter probably, we've just been sort of slogging through the story in detail. As much detail as possible. Enough detail that it's extremely uncomfortable for me. Enough detail to bring up the huge feelings and the huge anxiety and the memories and everything, so that I can see how the feelings come and the feelings go and I'm still there, safe, in Ts office.

It's exposure therapy, basically. It's exposing me to the source of the anxiety, the source of the pain, enough times for me to learn that the feelings will come but they will go. And since I never emotionally processed the trauma at the time, I have to feel it now. I have to and it's difficult and painful and excruciating at times, but it's the way to healing. It's maybe not the ONLY way, but it's the road I'm on and the way my T does it and I trust her and so I'm doing it.

And it's working, it IS working. Even now, today, when I'm so raw from another difficult session, I can see and feel it working. I'm getting better. I'm maybe better now than I have ever been.

[granite1]

thanks for sharing zoo it means a lot and i will treat what you said with the up most respect.i'm kind of just looking for ways to use my voice and start telling my T what went on atleast what i can remember.it may not be soon and who knows but i really am working on this trust thing and IDK maybe it wont be so bad

[zooropa]

the trust part is so hard, granite. I really understand that, believe me.

I have found that I remember a lot more than I thought I did. Even during my session today I remembered a whole new set of details that I had just completely blocked out. I was kind of blind-sided by that, because I thought we were past the really hardest part of the story, but there are layers and layers that I haven't even looked at yet.

I'm not in your head so I don't know if it will be as bad as you think it will be, but I do know that telling is not as bad as not telling.

Originally Posted by zooropa

if I really let myself feel this stuff, REALLY feel it, I only have to do that once and then it will be done.

((((((((((zoo))))))))))))

This was my experience too. It was only really really really awful ONE time. Just one. It was hard and awful and scary and I didn't think I would make it...but then it was OVER. I still have a hard time sometimes - flashbacks, bad feelings, etc. - but it's not anything even remotely like telling my story for the first time.

It is so worth it.

[zooropa]

aww, tree, your avatar is a sight for sore eyes

last night was hard.
I spent the day with my oldest daughter (she's 18 and lives on her own) so that was awesome.
And then the T who is going to cover for my T's vacation called me just to touch base and let me know I can call her anytime I need to while my T is gone.

She also told me that group is starting again in Oct

[geez]

Thank you Zoo for sharing your experience
As hard as it was congratulations on starting to open up to your T.