[Symbiosis]

Hi everyone,

Fairly new here, fairly new to T.

I got an email today from T that he had to cancelled because something unexpectedly came up. He couldn't reach me by phone (long story, not impt.) so he emailed me at work. Now, I don't blame him for emailing me at work because that's all he could do, but something to know is that T's wife is basically the Big Boss where I work. So I'm a little freaked out that he asked her for my email because I didn't ever give it to him. Of course, he might have been able to access it on the web. So I guess I'm going to have to ask him about that and see if there was a confidentiality breach there (I keep thinking he told her already! Just a hunch, but how would I be able to back that up anyway?)

Overriding the email thing is my general pissiness and hurt over the cancellation. He has had two month long vacations since we started. He is very established in his career so I wondered if unreliability would be an issue because he probably doesn't need the business. It is his first cancellation, but I don't know that we have even reached 10 appts. so far. I wouldn't want this to be a 1 in every 10 appt kind of thing.

Thoughts anyone? How many times does your T cancel on you?

[sharon123]

My t has never cancelled in 7 years. I would definitely bring the subject up and dicuss it with him. As a client, you have a right to certain expectations, etc.

Alicia

[tears_of_a_clown]

So a couple of issues here. First, did T breach confidentiality by asking his wife for your email? Second, is there a potential dual relationship here that could cause a problem? Lastly, is T providing a level of care that you need or want?

If yes to question 1 than I think question 2 can be answered affirmatively and he should refer you to another therapist. If no to question 1, question 2 should still be discussed with T to make sure that it does not cause a problem in the future.

Regarding the last issue, I think only you can decide that. Therapists need vacations and will sometimes have to cancel an appointment unexpectedly. My personal opinion - I think 3 or 4 times a year for the cancellations is reasonable, but beyond that I would be concerned. Again, it could be a discussion you have with therapist....is this typical for him, or an unsual occurrence.

[splitimage]

My T doesn't cancel on me too often - like maybe 5 times a year, but she does reschedule a lot. But the thing is she's a Trauma specialist who trains other T's so she's always going off to do training various places, which sometimes makes scheduling difficult. But even with that I rarely miss more than 2 weeks in a row. Plus there are her 2 annual vacations.

Overall I've found my T to be pretty reliable.

--splitimage

[WikidPissah]

I think if a T has to cancel for unforeseen reasons they should try to reschedule on a separate day that same week. Just my opinion. But crap happens, family gets sick...etc, so you really have to let it slide unless it happens frequently, like every month, then it could be a problem.

Breach of confidentiality. OUCH! That would be really bad, but you need to find out for sure. I had my pdoc discuss me with an ex-T in a social situation. He even had the gaul to tell me "I saw Dr. P last week, and he doesn't think you need the psych testing done, he thinks it's all PTSD. I was livid, but never said anything. Still with the same pdoc, but I don't trust him.

[Oceanwave]

Hi there,

The setup where your T's wife is your boss doesn't sound good at all. Whether he breached confidentiality or not, the fact that you think he might have shows that you don't seem to be very comfortable with this situation. Did you agree with this T at the beginning how he is to contact you if he needs to (email, phone number)?
Did he offer to rearrange or just cancel completely?
Two months off in a year sounds like a lot of vacation. Lucky man, if it was all vacation and not some long-term illness... But he is not necessarily the T you want to stick with long term, from the sound of it.

[granite1]

i have been in therapy for about a year and i really dont think i have ever had more than 4 appointments in a row yet

That stinks! You are not over-reacting! I would probably be frustrated with the entire thing, so I think your reactions are very normal. I would discuss the possible dual relationship with your T, if his wife is BIG boss at your job, what would happen if you ever had an issue with her? Would you ever feel you could discuss it with him?

It sounds like you are uncomfortable with your situation. I would discuss when he returns.

That stinks! You are not over-reacting! I would probably be frustrated with the entire thing, so I think your reactions are very normal. I would discuss the possible dual relationship with your T, if his wife is BIG boss at your job, what would happen if you ever had an issue with her? Would you ever feel you could discuss it with him?

It sounds like you are uncomfortable with your situation. I would discuss when he returns.

[geez]

The only time my T ever cancelled on me was she needed to see a client at the hospital - emergency. Another time she moved my appt ahead as she had another emergency with a different client. That has been it in the 2 1/2 years I've been going to T.

As for you situation with the email I would definatly ask questions. It can be scary to question T as I'm in the same boat. Hope this works out for you soon.

Wishing you peace.

[ECHOES]

My therapist very rarely cancels. In 3 1/2 years I think she has had to cancel once due to illness. She is also well established, with 30 years of experience.
She works 4 days a week, leaving Friday free for long weekends to travel to the adjoining state where her daughter and family live, and for other travel she enjoys. She is independently employed so she sets her own hours. So she has room in her own schedule for things that come up.

I would not be happy to receive an email at work when I had not offered the email address to him. I wonder why he didn't call you at work. I would have had a strong reaction not only to the cancellation but to the unexpectedness and intrusiveness of the email. I hope you will let him know that emailing you crossed your boundary.

[sunrise]

I find it odd he emailed you at work if you hadn't given him your email there. I would expect him to try calling you at work before emailing. I think it would be good to talk with him about how you wish to be reached in situations like this.

My T has canceled several times in the last few months, the night before the appointment. That is frequent for him. In prior years it was less. He is able to minimize the cancellations by scheduling only one appointment at a time. That way his schedule is more or less "set" by the time I and other clients make our appointments, so the chance of cancellation is less.

Does your boss know you are seeing her husband for therapy? I would worry that it would be hard for you to discuss work matters with him if his wife was part of the subject of discussion due to her being your boss. Could be kind of sticky!

[Symbiosis]

Thanks for all the replies! It helps give me perspective.

There had been some rearranging at work that made T's wife the Big Boss that I certainly could not have foreseen going into therapy. Well actually, even more relevant, she has a different last name than T so I just plain didn't know she was his wife until I got invited to a party at their house one day! Talk about being caught off-guard.

I guess it started there because he would have known right away of the conflict because he actually had me specify where I work in this big organization I work for. When I found out, he was matter-of-fact about confidentiality and said he keeps his work separate from his personal life. Also, that I could indeed talk about problems with his wife if it came up (it hasn't). And no, his wife shouldn't know about how I am his client because I was clear on that with T. I certainly haven't said anything. But...

I find myself guessing all the time as to whether or not she knows because T said something. Then this email thing comes up. Of course, I had someone from outside our company check and you can find my work email from the company directory just by googling it. So he very well could have done that.

He didn't reschedule per say, just told me same time next week. His wife isn't at work so something must be up. I'm trying not to be overly needy but it kind of sucks, for lack of a better word. Like the poster who said she hasn't had more than 4 sessions in a row yet...neither have I!!!! It is frustrating. I don't want to be overly attached to him, but at this point, I'm having trouble being attached at all...in an appropriate therapeutic way.

Then again, I understand that things come up. I do get evening appts. to fit my schedule.

Re: calling at work vs. emailing...not sure what would be better. It would have been no less of a surprise to get a phone call.

My biggest worry is that he is so established and far along in his career that this kind of thing will be status quo. Maybe I need to talk about that with him.

[BlackCanary]

Definitely sounds like there are some things to get settled! (BTW I always wondered how you handled that party situation!) I was double-booked on like my 2nd session, got a call and rescheduled, but at that point it didn't bother me. Only other cancellations were due to deep snow or a power failure at the building. A real work-a-holic, never a sick day.

You have to ask your questions....

• Canceling bothered you, will it happen often? You may want to pick a different time when he's less likely to cancel OR another therapist with a consistent schedule?
• How to reach you - did he just know the format of email addresses for the firm since his wife works there, how did he get that since you didn't give it to him?
• Getting a call - is there a way to reach you, even if it means you might not get the message until it's too late?
• Has he told his wife about you? (no he should not have, and he should NEVER).

[Symbiosis]

Right. His schedule & confidentiality are the two biggies.

Regarding the party, I did not go. It was an easy out because a whole bunch of people including my direct boss couldn't make it so I didn't feel a lot of pressure to go. What is kind of laughable though is that he ended up being at another party related to my work because he was escorting his wife. This one wasn't at his house. Still, when I turned around and saw him there I wanted to hide! I'm happy to say that I managed to avoid him the whole time so it wasn't an issue. Btw, he never brings any of this stuff up. I still don't even know if he knew I had an invitation to his house with his home phone and his cell number on it, etc.

I tell ya, it is a little weird. I end up with info about him that is harmless, but that I wouldn't otherwise have. His hobbies, what this cancellation might be about (his wife hasn't been into work since Monday), where he lives, etc. I want to be mature enough to handle it though. I don't want to make him uncomfortable either. It can't be fun for him either.

[Oceanwave]

Would it be better for you to get a new T, what do you think? If it is a small town with very few Ts it will be hard to avoid dual relationships. Otherwise these are really best avoided if you have a choice, esp. as you have already voiced doubts and worries. This is a valid concern, and an important boundary issue. It's nothing to do with maturity: you shouldn't have to handle things like this in the first place. Good luck,
Oceanwave