Sorry for the long post

I've had three sessions now since T returned from his long vacation. But I don't think I've connected with him yet in a positive way. While he was gone my whole world changed....H has been laid off, and is now home, making home life very different...new boss at work, etc. So many things and he wasn't around while I had to transition. So naturally I think I was angry underneath that he wasn't around to help. Coming back to session has been really hard. I get weird (lol) and feel strange. When I am on high alert, I think I become hypersensitive. So T and I have this repeating pattern. It has happened several times and often precipitates a rupture. I sink into old patterns of dissociative behavior and T gets insulted and asks why I can't "stay in the relationship and work things through." I tell him it's because something in the exchange is a repeat of old stuff and so I become afraid and naturally withdraw. He says that in that exchange, that he begins to feel like the abuser--that there is something in the way I react that makes him feel that way. I tell him that when he asks questions in rapid succession that it feels like I am being interrogated and don't have time to process. When I am withdrawing and trying really hard to stay present, it takes me a long time to process. Today I left him two messages after session and in the second I told him that I was sorry if I made him feel bad, that I was somewhat in a knot and trying to work it through. Then I was talking to H and it hit me that the pattern is exactly how H and I exchange at times and T feels how I feel when H shuts down on me.

Ugh. I hate therapy. I'm so afraid we won't connect. I feel ugly and stupid right now and I want to cry and hide.

Oh yeah, he also said that I should stay in the relationship rather than reverting to old self states. I said that right at that moment I was thinking, my poor little girl is nothing but an old self state. Yuck, I feel yucky, stupid and dirty, and sad.

Oh ((((((((Miss)))))))))))....isn't that the most awful feeling in the world? When I felt like that yesterday, I told T I *knew* it would change eventually but that I wanted a crystal ball so I would know when and how it would change. I'm sorry you're having all of those bad feelings.

Wow, a LOT happened in your life while T was gone. It totally makes sense that you would be angry and have a hard time reconnecting. I think it's hard to reconnect after a vacation anyhow, WITHOUT a bunch of giant life changing events.

Since you and I are both experts on ruptures (), I know that you and T will get though this. You will keep showing up and being brave and honest, and T will finally hear you and own his part, and the reconnection will happen. I hope it happens sooner rather than later. It's so so so so hard to be in that place.

to you (((((((((Miss))))))))))). I hope you feel better, soon.

miss c, firstly sorry for the misfortunes you have had, that sucks!

I'm mot sure what to say about your therapy...perhaps just sitting in the silence would Be as much as you can mamage right now and your withdrawing from the problems right now and not just T? Yes it tAkes a while to get back into the relationship after a brrak, but after a brrak and having to deal with lifes lemons then feeling anger is proberbly more than you could manange right now and withdrawing is a Safe setting....? Nothing about not staying in the relationship so much as tryiNg tostay with yourself?

Tree: So true! In fact, this is an annual September occurrence. I think I will go in tomorrow and announce that in fact, it is now October!

Melba:

Yeah--you're so wise....my guess is that's what T was getting at but he's a guy after all and trips over his words.

I do feel better today. As T says, I reconstitute more quickly now and that IS progress. But every time he says "reconstitute" I picture some freeze dried soup mix or something.

ouch! why does t have to tell you he feels like you're making him the abuser? what good does that do? and why does he have to put down your child side? Can't he accept YOU for all of you? (((((((((Miss C )))))))))))))))

Good idea - in my head it is already October also - since 2 ppl in my fam that i'm not speaking to, their birthdays are in Oct.

Hahahaha omg that is cute. but not a good feeling when applied to yourself

My t is leaving in a week for 3 weeks overseas. she will miss the two birthdays that are a grrrrrrrrr for me in my life, and god knows what else. The thing (speaking of Tree's crystal ball) is that typically i read your and Tree's posts about ruptures *right* before I have one with T. and here you are, and here she is leaving... and ... maybe this year (year 3) i can change this...
Best to you and your working thru this yet again!!!

(((((((KIya))))))))

Good to "see" you! I hope you can change the pattern too! I keep thinking I can also but this month marks my four year anniversary with T...and I have not been successful yet. I keep thinking it's going to get easier, but no dice! (Hey, my T was overseas too...what's up with them?)

So here's how I resolved the whole deal. I walked in today and said to T, "Can we start over?" He asked to what point? I said, well, tell me about your vacation , I never even asked. So he told me all about his trip and it was really nice to listen to him describe his trip. Then I told him about what I had been through while he was gone. We were very engaged the whole entire session. He was very empathic. All of a sudden, the dreaded 'time's up' was spoken. Then I said, "that was better, wasn't it?" He agreed. Case closed....rupture over. NEXT?

Thank you all for your support!

I guess I feel different, just saying ok lets start again hasn't solved anything? Hasn't brought any understanding for you Miss charlotte? I think talking about it some more would have been more beneficial, after all therapy is where we dont just forget and start again, its where we come to understand why and what it is we do in therapy.

Well, actually some things were resolved and that is exactly why I decided to take the road I chose for this session. I didn't mean to imply that I avoided anything.... I didn't just decide to do it all over on a whim; I realized that I had skipped over some important groundwork that must be laid for me to reconnect with T after a break; something I find intolerable. We did discuss the whys of that btw. Anyhow, for me, the therapeutic relationship involves give and take. During this session we both referred to the past couple of sessions and each of us offered to the other some explanations of comments we had made during the difficult sessions. So, it was healing and progress in its own rite.

i liked that! and it has humor, you were both heard, there was a reconnect, sounds good from where i sit! (((((((Miss C)))))))