[Symbiosis]

I really, really need other peoples' opinions here.

So my T's wife is the Big Boss at my company. We had one conversation about confidentiality when I found out about the conflict a month ago. He said he kept his work life and personal life separate and that's the only way he could function. And everything said in the office stayed in the office.

I have absolutely no proof, just a gut feeling, that he has told her I'm a client. Here's some of my reasoning:

-She doesn't come at me with work things like I would expect that she would.
-Relating to the above, she is very slow to engage if she comes looking for my boss or someone else in my office and no one is there but me. Like she doesn't say, "Symbiosis, is so-n-so around," but stands there quietly, avoidant. Remember, she is the Big Boss. She seems like an otherwise direct person.
-But she always uses my name when she speaks to me, as if she is very aware of who I am.
-I just ran into her in the break room. You know what it feels like? Like when someone who you like (or you know who likes you) runs into each other by accident. Think junior high or high school. I mean, that reaction of surprise/worry/awkwardness coming from her. I specifically took my time to fully experience her reaction to being alone with me. In a word, panicked. As the relatively new Big Boss, I would expect her to be engaging...unless she had extra information! She is a nice person, btw.

Obviously, there is no concrete evidence here. What am I supposed to do when I can't imagine the way he might disclose to me that he broke confidentiality. That's way too serious of an offense. So when I bring it up tomorrow, no matter how reassuring he is, I won't believe that he would tell me if he did so I won't be able to believe him.

Also, I don't want a new T. I want to keep him. I'm afraid if I get too unruly, he'll want to refer me out.

I have his email now. Do I email? Or do I hold onto it for tomorrow's session? It irks me that I have to pay to talk about this issue, frankly. Then again, I'm not big on giving him preparation time. I want to be able to discern if he is telling the truth by his reaction (as well as keeping my eye on his wife's reactions).

I'm sounding crazy, aren't I?

You may be being a bit hypervigilant about this because you have an expectation that he has broken confidence. Possibly overinterpretting things? I don't know. Is talking to him about it really going to help if you've already decided he'll lie to you about it? You will need to vow to trust what response you get from him when you do ask him; otherwise, what is the point?

How bothersome is it if somehow she knows? I've been in a similar situation. I used to see a t in an office where another teacher I worked with happened to work after hours. He clearly put two and two together and I was pretty certain he shared that information with other people I worked with. I just chose not to let it bother me. We were all adults and I wasn't going to get hung up on it. Not quite the same as the t himself breaking confiidences, but similarly uncomfortable.

[Laurie1041]

Let's simplify things. . . your last statement is that you do not want to change therapists. So, you either trust your therapist to not break confidentiality or you have to accept that he may or may not have told his wife (your boss) that you were a client. Hopefully, if he did tell his wife that you were a client, the discussion ended right there.

The only way you are going to straighten this out and either get your trust restored or not is to approach this subject as honestly as you can and openly share with him what you have shared with us. Give him the whole picture of how it felt walking into the break room, etc.

This whole situation is about whether or not you can trust your therapist and in my opinion has very little to do about your boss. As you said, she seems to be a nice person.

A little reality testing: If your boss knew you were in therapy with her husband how would this change your job performance? Perhaps she would feel proud that you chose her husband as your therapist because he is so accomplished.

It's easy to get stuck in ruminating over the negative aspects and play the "what if?" game. The bigger challenge is putting the "truth to the lie". You could just as easily say to yourself, "who cares if my boss knows I see a therapist - many people see therapists". 0R you might have to draw a boundary and say, "I am not willing to see a therapist who I feel I cannot trust not to tell his wife about our sessions".

Confronting your therapist may feel very upsetting, however, I think that any professional can see the potential pitfalls in this situation and would be very compassionate towards your fears.

[Gus1234U]

dear Symbiosis,,, i believe every word you said. i believe we have senses we are hardly aware of, that warn us of danger, and yours are going off like fire alarms,, the damage is done,, can't put the worm back in the ground,, might as well bite the bullet, and slide the topic of Counseling into a conversation with the Boss,,, see what she says,, bring it out in the open, a little,,, best wishes, keep us posted,, Gus

[WikidPissah]

wow, is this an awkward situation! I think the bottom line is when you said:

Originally Posted by Symbiosis

Also, I don't want a new T. I want to keep him.

that's it. you have decided you want him as a T, so you are probably going to have to come to terms with his wife knowing/not knowing. You've already decided she knows, and the only other way around that would be a different T. So you need to make a decision to trust and continue. If she knows, the best way to break the awkwardness with his wife (your boss) is to engage her, just chat with her about life, the weather, the workload...etc. But don't confront her, she isn't the T, he is.

You don't sound crazy, it's an issue for you, that's not crazy.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Symbiosis

As the relatively new Big Boss, I would expect her to be engaging

Whoa! How can you decide how this woman "should be" with others? Just because she's the boss lady doesn't make her super woman. I know any number of professional people/women and men both, who are shy and/or "started" shy and took years to "become" outgoing.

I would take my T's word for it if we've already discussed it and he's said he doesn't talk about his clients. That doesn't mean she doesn't know you go to therapy/even therapy with her husband though; there are other ways she could see/find out that particular public information unless you go to your sessions incognito and park away from his office, etc.? But if she knows you see him is not "knowing" anything at all about your therapy!

I don't know how long you have worked there and/or how this boss woman treats other individuals (as individuals; when they're the only one in the room), etc. there are any number of reasons why you perceive her this way but the conclusion from your perception is biased, I think.

[Symbiosis]

Thank you all...lots of different perspectives and I appreciate that.

It is almost all about T not his wife. Really, it wouldn't matter that she knew by finding out by accident (but not T's carelessness I might add). It is the idea of respect. If he told her, he hasn't respected me as a client and I have gone out of my way to respect this situation. I mean, I have all sorts of information I wouldn't normally have but I am cognizant of his comfort level.

It just will suck if the way he's paid me back is by selling me out. And it troubles me that I will never know, unless by some miracle he comes out with it today in session. I find myself wanting him to say, "Yes I told her. Here's why and how..." more than anything because I can't imagine the way I might believe him that he hasn't told her.

Well, I'm nervous but in a few hours it'll be out there.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Symbiosis

It just will suck if the way he's paid me back is by selling me out. And it troubles me that I will never know, unless by some miracle he comes out with it today in session.

Are you going to ask him about it?