The T, the Transference, and the Real Thing

so..... T spent the last 3 wks in Europe.
If I was REALLY brave and strong, I would go in there and say, well, what'd you bring me?

Hey, isn't that what I'd ask my Mom? So if I have to suffer with the stinkin' transference , can't I at least get a present out of it?

I thought to myself, heck, I would expect my Mom to bring me something.
and then....... I remembered.

My Mom did go off to Europe for a couple weeks once. She was supposed to get back on a particular Thursday night.
Bright and early on Friday I called her to say "welcome home" and was stunned at the frozen, hostile reception she gave me. It took forever to get her to tell me what was wrong. "Where have you been?" she said bitterly, "I got home on Wednesday."
Me: But you told me you were coming home on Thursday.
Mom: Well I didn't. I came in on Wednesday. And YOU didn't call.
Me: What? Why on earth would I call, if I knew you weren't there yet?!
Mom: You could have called to check. But you didn't.

No.... Oh no. Even with transference, T will never be like that.

wow i would hope your T would never be like that.i'm sorry what an awful responce you got.it sure would make me think twice about calling her back

((SAWE)) I'm sorry to read that your mom treated you that way.

SAWE, I'm sorry for that c**ppy interaction with your Mom in the past. Sometimes I read things like that and wonder, why do people make life so hard for themselves (and their loved ones)? How easy for your Mom just to say, "Oh, that explains it! I wondered why you didn't call. I should have just called you!" It's like she wanted to be pissed off at you and cause a "rupture". I see this in my own Mom in the past too. I always felt like she made life sooo difficult for herself (and everyone around her). Don't people want to have a happy life?

I think you were really brave too, to ask for the phone message from your T.

So, you were expected to be able to read your mother's mind...

Your T is bringing you the gift of bringing herself back to you, but you could ask in fun "Whadya bring me?"

ECHOES >>> So, you were expected to be able to read your mother's mind..
what got me into trouble was that I didn't - I relied on what she had told me. And look where it got me.

ECHOES >>> Your T is bringing you the gift of bringing herself back to you, but you could ask in fun "Whadya bring me?"
I might, if I think I can get through the rejection of hearing "I didn't bring you anything". Right now it's OK, but "in the moment" who knows.

So far the best I can do would be to counter with, "well I brought you something T." and hand her a 2nd copy of Maggie Scarf's "Intimate Worlds", about family dynamics on a dysfunctional scale 1-5. I think she would find it interesting (I am learning a lot).
It's 465 pages
maybe that will keep her home for a while

That's the kind of fun question I would ask! No, she won't have brought you a *thing*. But you can say "Well, tell me an interesting story about your vacation, tell me about something you learned" - or "Tell me a place you visited that you hope I'll get to see one day?"
From a T you get gifts of words, concepts, lessons. Lasts longer than the box of candy and does not collect dust like a mini-Eiffel Tower from the airport gift shop.

((((SAWE)))))) You do such amazing work internally !!!!! WOW !!!!
That is amazing how you could see through your feelings about T returning and feel about your mom.

I have an idea just to toss out there. When you see your T next, can you say "I need to correct something from my mom." Tell her just to stand there and you will walk out and walk back in and say "Hi Mom!! It is good to see you!!!" Have your T say "It is great to see you too!!! I actually got in a day early but I know you didn't know that. I am sorry I didn't call you to let you know. But it sure is good to see you now!"

For some reason I sense if you did this little role-playing with your T and then go over it, I bet the proper response in transference would help you heal from that very negative real response you got from your mom.

Tons of hugs!

: and

Well, maybe... but I'd be prepared for a T response like "You wish I had brought you something? Do you want to say more about that?" or "What do you wish I had brought you?"

... cracking up! (T's vacations can seem dysfunctional!) Is it a good book? I like to read psychology books.

ECHOES >> I'd be prepared for a T response like "You wish I had brought you something? Do you want to say more about that?" or "What do you wish I had brought you?"

before she went away, I left her a message. I said, I won't ask you to bring me a rosary, that's what I always ask of people I know who go to Europe" and then I said, you could do something for me, call and leave me a message.
So no of course I don't expect her to have brought me that, and no I don't expect her to have brought me anything; I just don't want to HEAR her say, no, I didn't (in other words, SAWE you never entered my mind for the past month).
Bringing herself is on point, all right. Soon it will be 3 days since she came back and I asked for a second message, and not a word. It has occurred to me that after a month's break, she is going to say, I think I need to refer you SAWE.

ECHOES >> Is it a good book?
Maggie Scarf's book "Intimate Worlds" - I feel like I am learning a lot from it.

** In the dysfunctional family, it is the parent who demands unconditional love from the developing child, and this is damaging on several levels...

** the idea of a parent projecting her destructive needs onto her children (that was a light bulb for me, we four older ones reminded her of her abusive husband, but the two younger ones didn't; her methods of discipline for each group, her entire program for each, were SO different and I never realized why.)

There are many copies of this title available for < $4 (plus postage) from http://www.abebooks.com

I understand this thinking because I've done it too. Many variations of T coming back but booting me out. (She realizes while she's on break that I'm hopeless, worthless, etc. or that she has decided to retire or move to where she vacationed, etc. Funny thing is, it is my mind's way of putting myself in her thoughts so it is a push/pull about that: I want her to think of me while she is away, but YIKES what if she actually does!)

Thank you for the book info