[zooropa]

just that...therapy is so hard. Working on trauma, it's so freaking hard. We only talked about it for 15 mins today and I am torn up and exhausted physically and emotionally. I don't know if we're even getting anywhere.

I guess I did remember some new stuff while I was there today, so that's getting somewhere. It sure feels like 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, though.

[geez]

The process can be frustrating. Zoo please take care of yourself. You did allot of work today.

[googley]

((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

You are still ahead by one step.

(((((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))))

The path you are on is the path to really being free someday. You are doing it. It's exhausting, but you are not alone, and it will be worth it when you get to the other side.

YOU are worth it.

[zooropa]

I am trying so hard not to spiral out, you guys. I can't quit thinking about the thing I remembered in session today. I am just so raw and ashamed and wish I hadn't told my T, can't believe I even did. I think I lost my usual filters for a minute there and just told her what I was thinking, which I rarely do.

Anyway. I keep thinking T must think I'm so gross and bad and just...yuck. How can she not think of that when she thinks of me? I don't want that. I don't want to be that person.

I sent T an email this afternoon, here's what it said (slightly edited to remove graphic details):

I just wanted to say thank you. In general for being awesome, and specifically for remembering ***************, about ******, and for saying it today. I don't really remember telling you that, and having you say it first today made it possible for me to say it, too. I said it, right? I hate how foggy my head gets around this stuff.

Anyway, thank you, and maybe when you have time you could write back and tell me something, anything, that will help me not feel like I'm full of shards of broken glass.

[Kacey2]

Zoo,
A little bit at a time. You are doing a good job. Therapy is exhausting (physically and emotionally). Be patient with yourself.

I wish trauma work wasn't so freaking hard myself. Maybe I would try and process my own sometime if I wasn't so afraid of the hard, painful work.

I think what you and your t are doing together right now is a beautiful thing in spite of the pain it is causing you.

T told me last week that when he sees me, he doesn't think of my story, he thinks of the person in front of him, now.

But I SO get feeling like now that T knows, she will think you're gross, yucky, etc. From the outside, it's SO clear that you're not, but that the people who hurt you are. I know how different it feels from the inside.

Just like T with me, when we talk on PC, I don't think of your story. I think of you, and the things we have in common that we've shared with each other, and how caring and brave you are.

Be gentle with you

[WePow]

(((((Zoo))))) you also used that word 'broken' ... That is an emotion I understand and can relate with on almost every day. I am so sorry you had to remember what you did. But it can heal now that it is OUT THERE rather than inside you.

[zooropa]

thanks you guys

I am so sore, physically (well emotionally too I guess ) today. I woke up just aching. I get so tense in therapy that my muscles ache the next day. Ugh.

I'm feeling a little better, though. I got an email and a text from my T today. For now, it still feels like she's out there, and I can lean on her when I need to.

This trauma work is SO HARD, and I don't think either of us thought it would take this long when we started a year ago. I mean, I know it's a process, but just the telling part of the one trauma has already taken a year, and we're not done yet. It feels like I'm going to be fighting this uphill battle forever.

[jexa]

so hard zoo I don't know what to say. I'm terrified to do what you're doing now. You're brave.

[skeksi]

The trauma work is brutal. But it does end, and you will feel better.

I get the sore muscles the day after sometimes, too. It's a 'no pain, no gain' kind of hurt for me. I hope you are feeling a little lighter today.

[zooropa]

I am feeling lighter, thanks. I'm exhausted and sad, but not as raw and ripped-up feeling like I was yesterday. I want to call my T and I'm trying not to. I'm telling myself I can call her tomorrow if I still want to.

(((((((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))))))

[zooropa]

someone's going to laugh at me for this, and that's ok. Laugh.
But after I posted I thought about how many times, many many times, my T has said "call me if you want to or need to." So, I called her.

I said, I'm ok and I'm home and I just wanted to talk to you. I've never done that before, called her without a specific reason. She was like "Ok! I'm here." And then I said stuff and she said stuff and I cried and she was quiet and soothing and said it'll get better. That is has gotten better, and I can look back on my diary cards and see that. And that it will keep getting better. And I said thank you and cried again and she said "do something soothing and go to bed. You're doing this, one step at a time. We're doing this together."

and so. I'm going to do something soothing and go to bed. And I can still call T tomorrow if I want to, lol.

[jexa]

Why would we laugh? Glad you called T, zoo! I think it is awesome that you're open to doing this, to trusting her, to allowing her in to those sort of sad and lonely moments.. hope you get good rest tonight, zoo.

[Lauru]

(((((((((zoo))))))))))

long time no see. I am so proud of you for working on the trauma stuff. It, the trauma, is icky and gross, but YOU could NEVER be. I worked on trauma for about 3-4 years. It's been so long ago, I don't even remember when I did it exactly. It sucked. It was the worst thing I ever went through, and the best. I found myself again. I had gotten lost so long ago. I want you to find you again, and make friends. You deserve so much goodness in your life, I am sorry you have had such badness done to you.

Just know that it does get better, a lot better. I hardly ever even think about it anymore. And I am not acting out with impulsive behaviors all over the place either. DBT is great in that it gives you a rope, a tether to the present, so that you don't get lost in the past. So, bravo for you for taking this difficult path, just remember your way out again too ok? Sending you safe