[doogie]

I'm almost (next month) a year into therapy with my current T. We are doing trauma work and I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I told her yesterday that I feel like I'm drowning and I'm just tired of staying afloat. I have a wonderful husband and 2 great kids - but sometimes nothing is more important than stopping all the pain and hurt and crying and remembering and fear. She promises me that I can do this. That this will get better, that I will get through all this. I just feel so stuck. No one else knows my story, not even my husband. I worry that she will grow tired of supporting me. I kept asking her over and over yesterday "are you tired of me?" I'm so afraid my neediness will push her away and I will be left alone with all this.

It's extra hard because my "outside" doesn't match my "inside", if that makes any sense at all. From the outside anyone who knows me probably thinks I have a pretty great life, while I'm completely falling apart on the inside. I don't know how to bring these two parts of me together. this is SO hard. I just need some support right now. I know I don't post here a lot - mostly because a lot of the threads are triggering to me, but PLEASE I need some support from some of you who have been through this. I'm really hanging on by my fingernails right now.

Doogie

[peaches100]

Hi Doogie,

Trauma work can be really difficult. There are times in my own trauma work when i tell my t that we need to slow down, or temporarily work on other things, until i can regain my sense of balance. Have you told your t that you feel too overwhelmed right now and need some extra help coping?

It does help to remember that the pain you feel now will not last forever. As you learn to deal with the pain, a little at a time, it will get easier. But it takes time. Kind of like having a bad boil. It hurts to lance it and drain it. But then it heals. Keep reminding yourself that you can get through this. But by all means, let your t know if the trauma work is feeling like "too much too soon."

I understand, oh so well, your fears about being needy. Many of us have worried about being too needy for our therapists or being abandoned by them. If you grew up feeling like your needs were "too much" for your parents, you may fear that they will also be too much for your t. But your t is there to help you, and she will understand your needy feelings. As you see her sticking with you through thick and thin, you'll learn to trust her presence and hopefully won't worry so much about being left by her.

Doogie, i too am really good about seeming all put together and fine on the outside. I'm an expert at masking the turmoil inside me. It's a two-edged sword, really, because on the one hand, i can pass for normal -- nobody would guess that i have mental health problems. But on the other hand, nobody really knows i'm hurting and need help, so i don't get offered any help!! So i often feel alone with it. But that's where having my t to talk to really helps. I use my sessions to open up about my problems and all those things i don't feel able to talk about with friends or coworkers. I also journal and pray about it, and that helps. Do you have any close friends you could share your feelings with? If you have a very empathetic, insightful, kind friend, the support could really be nice. In my case, i tried to share my problems with a couple of friends, but it turned out badly. They didn't understand what i was going through, or how to help, and they got critical. So i save the deep painful stuff for therapy, journaling, praying, and this PC community here online. It has been very supportive also. Hopefully, you can get some good support here also.

[doogie]

peaches, do you ever feel like your "outside" life is all a fake? I struggle with this a lot. Like, what is on the inside is what is real, and the good stuff on the outside is what fake and I'm really just a fraud to everyone. My t and I go around and around about it. She says that both parts are me - the good on the outside, and the bad I feel on the outside, but I just feel like the bad on the inside is the real me and everything else is just a mask I put on to fool everyone else. Like if people knew the real me (on the inside) they wouldn't like what they saw and would see all the outside stuff as fake and fraud. Just wondering, as this is an issue my t and I have discussed over and over.

[peaches100]

Doogie,
You are not a fake. We all put on “masks,” so to speak, depending upon the situation we are in. For example, the way a woman presents herself and behaves with her boss differs from how she interacts with her husband. How a parent talks to a child differs from how they talk to a coworker. Our interactions with strangers or acquaintances may be more superficial and brief, yet we may engage in deeper, more revealing conversations with family and friends. The parts of ourselves that we display and reveal to others differ, depending on the person, circumstance, and our level of comfort and trust. This is normal and is not dishonest. It’s a choice we make of what to share or not share. For example, I may feel comfortable revealing my deep personal struggles with my t, but not with my coworkers. I may feel sad and cry in my session, which is totally appropriate there, but hide my grief at work, where I’m expected to present myself in a composed, professional way. That’s not “fake,” it’s adjusting my outer self to the outer environment. Does that make sense?
Now the question. . .if people knew the real me inside, would they still like me? I’m assuming you mean if they knew about your weaknesses, fears, struggles, etc., right? Would they still like you if they knew these things? The answer is probably yes and no. Some would; some would not. People differ, and what attracts one person might turn somebody else away. So don’t twist yourself into knots trying to be somebody who everybody will accept and like. It’s not possible. Not for any of us. Just be true to who YOU are. Then find friends who love you for who YOU are. You don’t have to show all aspects of yourself right away, or tell them every flaw, every fear, every regret from your past, and then see if they like you or not. Start slowly. Reveal a little bit about yourself, and see how they react. Then show a little bit more as you feel comfortable doing so. As trust builds up in the relationship, the sharing can increase. If they like and accept who you are, then you’ve found a real friend.
I think it’s important also to realize that, in all honesty, no human will ever know “everything” about us. Not even family or friends. We’re complex creatures. Most likely, we don’t know everything there is to know even about ourselves. Throughout our lives, we keep learning about ourselves and about other people.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you have to reveal every single thing about yourself – and then be liked/accepted – before you like and accept yourself. Other people don’t have the gold standard to measure you against. They are just imperfect but well meaning people like you are. So rather than ask if other people will like you if they know the real you inside, ask yourself, “When I think about who I am – the real me inside -- do I accept/like myself?” You said, “I just feel like the bad on the inside is the real me.” Why should you discount the good you show externally, and only accept what you see as bad internally? Your t is right: both sides are you. None of us are either all “good” or all “bad.” We’re all a mix of good and bad – we do good things, and we also make mistakes, we have strengths and weaknesses, areas where we function well, and not so well. It’s part of being human.
I hope that you will continue to talk to your therapist about both your abandonment fears and your self-doubt, and that you’ll find a good source of support here on the PC board as well.
So glad you posted!

[doogie]

Thank you, peaches. If my t read that she would say "See, I told you so!!" I think accepting myself is the first step. And BOY is that a big step. It sounds so easy, but in reality, so hard. So so so hard. Thank you for what you said. I really mean that.

[doogie]

Makes me think of this song. It's by Amy Grant "Find What You Are Looking For"

What would they find if they uncovered all my tracks
Of roads I’d snuck down and darkness and never turn back
Well they’d find what they’re looking for
Secrets and so much more
What would they find if they searched for a heart of gold
They’d find sacrifices of time and money never told
Yeah they’d find what they’re looking for
Kindness and so much more

(Chorus)
Cause there’s so much good in the worst of us
So much bad in the best of us
It never makes sense for any of us
To criticize the rest of us
We’ll just find what we’re looking for
We’ll find it and so much more

What would I find if I turned back the time on your face
Could I piece together the memories that have made you this way
I might find what I’m looking for
Understanding and so much more

Repeat Chorus

Haven’t we all learned the best life lessons
By falling and falling down hard
If we’re looking for somebody’s failures
We won’t have to look very far

[peaches100]

Doogie,

Those are lovely lyrics! I'm glad what i said helped.

[jexa]

doogie,

I read this before and didn't really know what to say.. but thought I'd go ahead and give hugs. I'm so scared of this kind of work.. I know what you mean about feeling fake.. holy crap do I know what that feels like!