T anniversary

something I posted in another thread made me realize that my 2 year "anniversary" of seeing T is coming up. I had to pull out some paperwork to find the exact date of our first meeting: Oct 24, 2008. What a long, bumpy road it's been.

So, I see her on Tues, and I'm thinking about acknowledging the 2 year mark in some way. I know there are other threads here on this topic, but I'm asking again. What have you done, if anything, to celebrate those kinds of milestones with your T? What have you not done, but wished you had?

I don't expect I will get another year with T, and I'd like to let her know in some way that this date is important to me, and that I'm aware of it.

This makes me equal parts happy and sad. My life has changed almost completely in the past 2 years. It is so much better now than I ever thought possible. At the same time, I can't help but wish I could start over with T, not make the same mistakes, have so much T time ahead of me instead of the feeling of time running out that I have now.

I have a hard time expressing my feelings about T to T herself. I don't think she knows how important she is to me, how much I admire and respect her, how I know I'll be thinking about her for the rest of my life.

How do I say that? I don't think I could just SAY it. I'd be too embarrassed and awkward.

My T anniversary is just around the same time as yours. It's only my first, though so I don't have any past experience to draw on. I don't plan to acknowledge it to T in any special way because that just doesn't seem to fit our relationship.

I did want to add this, though... Sometimes, if T has said or done something that is particularly helpful, I will thank him for that either in person or in a voicemail message. Just something simple like "Thanks for encouraging me to come in today. I'm feeling much better and it really helped a lot." Really that simple. T has commented that he likes to get those messages or appreciates it when I thank him because it makes him feel good to know that something he's doing is having an impact.

So, my suggestion is kind of boring, but why not write your T an old-fashioned thank-you note. You don't have to be nervous about saying anything to her face. You can just give it to her (on your way out the door if you want her to read it later). She will surely appreciate whatever you have to say and you don't have to worry about whether or not she likes your "present."

Congrats on your anniversay!

but she'd probably be really accepting and it could be a really touching moment. i have a lot of trouble saying nice things about t to t. my inability to do that has brought up some important issues. which is always kinda ugh but important to work through. (and the things we really don't want to do are usually the most important things to do).

i've never celebrated an anniversary with t. it's usually a depressing realisation for me (up to 6.5 years now). but then there's no chance of me being ready to graduate from therapy any time soon

if it feels important to you, then its important to raise/share.

(((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))

My anniversary with T is coming up too (3 years)

It used to be REALLY hard for me to talk to my T about my feelings about him. REALLY hard. It felt embarrassing to love him so much and need him so much, and (because of past issues) I was afraid if I told him how grateful I am for him, he would suddenly realize he was being nice to me, and STOP. It felt like a REAL possibility.

I think the first time I really told him all of the big feelings I have for/about him, it was on a phone message. It was easier to do it with a little distance. Now, I can just sit there and tell him that I love him, that I'm so grateful that he's there and for the things he does for me, etc. Just like everything else in therapy, it took baby steps.

I like the idea of a thank you note. Maybe it would be easier to write down how you feel than to just say it? Or what about a small, meaningful gift? I give T (very) small gifts for his birthday, and they are always inexpensive but symbolic of something in our relationship, or in my therapy.

I know your T will appreciate your thoughtfulness, HOWEVER you decide to express it.

I agree that writing something is a good idea. I write poems but T will appreciate anything you write. Or, a greeting card, maybe a blank one with a pretty picture and you can write a brief thank-you note.

Even if you aren't artistic, you can make a collage like I did. If you like to bake, you can bake something for her.

There are other ways besides talking to show your appreciation!

What feels right to YOU about how you want to mark this anniversary?

this month is my one year anniversary also.i make cards as a hobby so i made her a thank you card that says thanks for putting up with me for so long.but i havnt given it to her .i'm scared dont know if i want to point out the fact that if i have been with her for a year .but if you make cards i think that would be a great idea .my T has always accepted cards that i have made her

Hallmark probably doesn't have anything for this occasion - how about a blank card where you write something simple?

If it seems right, bring a bottle of sparkling cider and 2 glasses, would make a fun celebration ;-) Or a cupcake with 2 candles?

Zoo,
I think that is a great idea for you to acknowlege your 2 year anniversary with t. Not only to show your love and appreciation for her but also to celebrate your hard work and determination. I think that all therapy is a dance of reciprocity when it comes to t and client. This has not been easy for you by any means. Make sure you celebrate yourself in this moment. Try not to worry about your time in the future with t or the bumpy road you have traveled in the past but stay in the present moment if just for the day and give yourself and your t a well deserved moment of admiring the intricate details of your t proccess. As for how to let your t know how you feel, only you know your t and what would mean a lot to her. I know personally I have given my t numerous gifts and the one's that meant the most to him were either something I had made or a card with heartfelt words. I know you will figure out something super-duper special and your t will love it.

thanks, you guys.

I have a number of handmade cards that I like to keep around just in case, and I went through those today and picked out a few that seemed appropriate and something that T might like. I'll work on figuring out what to write tomorrow, lol.

I like the idea of a cupcake with 2 candles, bc. My T is very physically fit and I know she watches what she eats, but surely half a cupcake won't blow her whole diet, will it?

What I'd really like to do is bring in a coffee for her (and one for me, of course) from Starbucks, but I don't know what she likes. I wish there was a way to find out. I thought of emailing my group T, she works and practices with my T and I know they are friends. She probably knows what Ts fave coffee drink is, but I'm worried she will tell my T I asked and thus spoil the surprise. Decisions, decisions!

zoo, sorry I haven't been around lately -- I just wanted to add that you could tell the other T that it is a surprise for your 2-year anniversary with T. I'm sure she won't spill the beans on you if you let her know the reason you need the info!

thanks for that, Jexa! I was worried it would be some kind of privacy thing where she would feel like she had to tell my T I had contacted her or something. I think I'll email group-T this morning and ask!

just wanted to come back and say I did email that other T, and she told me what my T likes from Starbucks. She also gave me a little lecture about Ts not accepting gifts from clients, but she gave me the relevant info, so it's all good.

She also said this: "You've come so far in two years. If anyone deserves that gift, it is you."

I am SO ready to see T tomorrow. I haven't talked to her since Wed, and that's a long time for me. I really miss her and I kind of hope she misses me, too, a little. it's been a while since I went 5 days without contacting T.

you deserved that comment from her, zoo -- you rock. I'm so proud of you!!

So you're for sure bringing her coffee??

thank you, jexa

Yeah, I have a card that I made and will bring to her, if I can figure out what to say inside. And the coffee, and probably a little coffee sleeve that I knitted, but maybe not. I am so shy about giving T things, it's ridiculous.

I want to spend a little T time tomorrow talking about the past 2 years, and the progress I've made. I'd like to hear about that from Ts point of view, and how she viewed me then vs now. It kind of makes me sad, actually. This feels like the beginning of goodbye.

Zooropa, this sounds like a lovely idea. I'm glad the other T gave you the info and not just the lecture!

"I want to spend a little T time tomorrow talking about the past 2 years, and the progress I've made. I'd like to hear about that from Ts point of view."

Just wanted to respond to this part of your post- my T and I write 'review letters' at important points like anniversaries or long therapy breaks describing the work we've done together and the progress I've made. I have tended to write about how my target behaviours have decreased, and about the steps I've taken towards my long term goals. I also write about how I feel about our relationship. My T then writes one back which sort of echoes my achievements but includes her feelings and perspective on the changes, and lots of positive relationship stuff. It always sounds so much more significant in her words than in mine, and I love the solidity of the letters (vs spoken words). The chance to take stock feels important.

Also, I think I read somewhere else that your T is quite directive and doesn't like to spend time talking about the therapeutic relationship. I think this is at least partly a DBT thing- DBT is quite prescribed in what is done during sessions, and therapists are taught how not to get derailed by client agendas. However, in DBT there's always the 'carrot' of the client being allowed to choose what session time is used for if they haven't engaged in destructive behaviours (and so don't need to use the time for a chain analysis). Marsha Linehan writes about one client of hers who engaged in dangerous self-destructive behaviours every week for months on end and then suddenly stopped. When asked why, she said "I realised I'd never get to talk about anything else unless I stopped!"

I think you might be doing Stage 2 (trauma) work though rather than Stage 1 behaviour chain analyses though? Stage 2 isn't well specified by DBT at all (it seems that you use whatever therapeutic model works for the client's specific difficulties rather than DBT as such), so this info may not help. I do think though that there's always room for negotiation, and that if you are engaging with the really hard stuff, you should get some of what you find rewarding too.

I very much hope that your session feels special and that your T allows you some time for reflection.

The coffee and card are a great idea - and I hope you bring the coffee sleeve too My T's birthday is coming and I want to knit him something little, but I haven't figured out what yet....

Let us know how it goes..I'll be thinking about you!

Zoo, I hope you do get to hear about this from your T's POV !!

Your life time is not running out though. Once you get to a certain point with a T's help, you can continue the process of therapy and learning even if you must be without an "external" T...

such a good point, Pachy. I think I have an ongoing issue of not feeling whole, of needing someone else to complete me. So when I think about losing T, maybe I feel like I'm losing me, too? I'm working on that. And you are right, my T time may or may not be running out, but my ME time isn't anymore.

Improving, thanks for your perspective. I like your idea of both of you writing letters at certain points in your journey together!

You are right about my T and the DBT protocols. She adheres pretty strictly to them, but there is always room for the unexpected. I am entering my 3rd year of DBT and we have moved well into stage 2. That's not to say that there aren't moments or days when I am squarely back in stage 1, of course.

I think DBT can work for people long term, but most of the literature is focused on the first year. That's what the studies are based on and what Linehan's books focus on, but I don't think Linehan herself intends for DBT to stop at the end of one or two years. There just hasn't been the time or inclination to focus yet on DBT as a long term therapy.

did T like her gifts